What Are Your 5 Worst Movies?

Disclaimer the First, when I say worst movies, I don't mean B-movies or movies that are so bad they're good. For example: Army of Darkness, B-movie that revels in its B-ness. Surf Ninjas, so bad it's hilarious (my family still watches it). My "worst movies," on the other hand, are those I would rather didn't exist.

Disclaimer the Second, I can only talk about movies I've seen. There are a lot of movies I've heard are bad, but if I haven't seen them, I can't rank them. I guess my life is richer for that?

Disclaimer the Third, this is just my opinion. Get over it.

#5) Dungeons & Dragons

I don't remember much about this movie (which already says something), but I do remember thinking the story was confusing, the acting was weird, and Beholders -- one of the most terrifying creatures in the D&D world -- were leashed and used like watchdogs. Lame.

#4) On Deadly Ground

With the exception of Under Siege, I am not a fan of Steven Seagal. He's his own Mary Sue. In On Deadly Ground, in particular, he never takes a single hit or is in danger of losing at any time. He's awesome in a pretentious, cocky way (so: not awesome). Combine that with an Eskimo peyote trip, a super-preachy message, and the fact that he "saves" the environment by blowing up an oil rig, and you can see why this made my list.

#3) Battlefield: Earth

I like John Travolta, and I really wanted to like this. But the costumes were weird, the acting ridiculous, and the plot filled with more holes than my socks (the cavemen beat the world-dominating aliens with Harrier jets, that they found lying around in a base and learned to fly in a week).

#2) Avatar: The Last Airbender

It's really hard for me to judge this apart from the series. I know that's unfair to the movie, but then the movie was unfair to me, so I guess we're even. I've talked about what's wrong with this movie before. Now let's never speak of it again.

#1) Highlander II: The Quickening

This movie is so bad it actually makes its prequel (which I liked) worse by its very existence. It took a decent premise (there are immortals who wander the Earth trying to kill each other) and destroyed it (the immortals are alien exiles from another planet; the winner gets to choose whether to live their life out on Earth or return to "Zeist"). Then they punched holes in the plot they just revealed (the winner already chose to live out his life on Earth, but the ruler of Zeist was scared of him still so he sent people to kill him) and invalidated their already laughable premise (the winner kills those sent after him and . . . becomes immortal again?).

As if that weren't enough, they inexplicably brought back Sean Connery's character. That should be okay (it is Sean Connery), but they brought him back and then killed him again for no reason. (Which, by the way, is also something we've talked about).

All right, your turn. What are some of the worst movies you've ever seen?


Matthew MacNish said...

The worst thing about what makes these movies so bad, is that they could've been, should've been, and would've been good, if they hadn't sucked so bad.

Matthew MacNish said...

Well, except Deadly Ground. That one was going to stink no matter what.

vic caswell said...

are the two that pop into my head first.

Dr. Cheryl Carvajal said...

ARMAGEDDON. Terrible movie. Horrifyingly obtuse and inaccurate--emotional "heart-strings" pulled with utter clumsiness.

TL Conway said...

I really want to watch The Last Airbender in the same way that when your mom tells you not to touch the hot stove, you feel compelled to see just how hot it really is... BUT, I think I'll skip it. I loved the cartoons too much. Reading your review (and the link to your other blog post on it) makes me too sad.

But seeing the commenter above me list Armageddon made me laugh. I loved that movie.

Steph Sessa said...

I love Surf Ninjas! So glad there are other fans out there...

I agree with TL about The Last Airbender. Heard so many terrible things, but loved the cartoons, so it's hard to resist (but I've been doing it so far.)

I really didn't like Limitless, that movie with Bradley Cooper, despite it being filmed in Philly. No character arc whatsoever and nothing changed/was learned at the end.

As for really bad movies, Bloodrayne, one of those stupid vampire movies, was awful. Why did I go see it in the first place? I have no idea...

Steve MC said...

Never seen any of these, and will now be sure that stays that way.

He "saves" the environment by blowing up an oil rig.


Philip Siegel said...

I can't believe I only just now found your blog! My most hated movies are Spanglish (a total waste of 2 hours of people talking, but not in a good quentin tarantino way), Scary Movie 2 (no plot, consistency, or funny jokes), and Atonement (boring, and hated hated hated the ending)

Keriann Greaney Martin said...

The first one that came to mind was a recent one, and it was just disgusting. "The Change-Up" with Ryan Reynolds. OMG, the whole point of the movie was to be as awkward and disgusting as possible. I hate that kind of movie.

Luckily, I've never seen any of the movies you listed. Now I won't have to!