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Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win a 15-page critique from INCARNATE author, Jodi Meadows. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful.
This week we have a sci-fi query from Carolyn Abiad. Thanks for submitting, Carolyn! My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. As always, your mileage may vary.
Dear Mr. (agent),
|The 2nd sentence feels misleading to|
me. I'm sure he feels responsible, but
I wouldn't say he is.
|I like the term mods in this sense.|
|I'm having trouble tracking which|
god is which here.
|Whoops, you lost me here. This|
sounds like a cool reveal, but in the
query you might need to keep it
|Clear stakes. Good.|
|Linking to your website is great, but|
I doubt agents will be interested in
the background of your book.
I believe you might like my YA sci-fi, MIST OF KAVALA (because).
Thank you for your consideration of my work.
Carolyn Snow Abiad
Women’s National Book Association
- Charlotte Membership Chair
This sounds like a cool world with a clear plot. I haven't actually played an MMORPG since 1989, but as a gamer I would totally read this.
I do think the query gets a bit confusing when it comes to the gods of the world. Part of that is I didn't realize the gods were actual characters until Mithra was introduced (usually gods are non-participants in a story), so I wasn't paying attention.
Actually, you might be able to skip mentioning Tyche entirely just to simplify it. Something like: "When a thief kills Taner's father, Taner leaves his family's pacifist religion, secretly training to fight the Shadowcloaks." But better, you know?
I like that even though the story is based on MMORPGs, it doesn't feel like a game-turned-novel. And who knows? You might find an agent who likes MMORPGs as well.
What do the rest of you guys think?