tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post1685346849719573870..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: A QUESTION OF FAITH (first page)Adam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-84621523693868072532012-11-17T08:26:44.564+07:002012-11-17T08:26:44.564+07:00Thanks, guys!
And she does peek in the bags. That...Thanks, guys!<br /><br />And she does peek in the bags. That's on the next page. :)Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-54210539495313104072012-11-15T07:47:36.379+07:002012-11-15T07:47:36.379+07:00When I first read this, I had the feeling that it ...When I first read this, I had the feeling that it was a MG novel because of the voice and the apparent helplessness of the main character. If the MC is a teenager, why is it so hard for her to figure out what's in the attic? This was unclear to me. But maybe this is made clearer in the following pages...the extreme lengths her mother goes through to keep the attic locked, etc.<br /><br />Also, I was bothered by the first paragraph. At first I was confused because I imagined this a stairway with a door in a wall, not stairs coming from the ceiling. I think what gave me that impression was the fact that you mention the door being padlocked. How does one padlock a door on the ceiling? Perhaps this could be your way to show the lengths her mother goes through to keep the attic hidden - she stands on a chair to lock the ceiling door each time, etc.<br /><br />I also thought it strange the MC does not peek inside the bags. Also, the part about the headache is also disjointed. I have the feeling you mention this part to show a passage of time before Mom comes into the room. You could do this instead with a little internal dialog about the MC's curiosity (see other comments above for good suggestions).<br /><br />I has a lot of potential. Good luck with this! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01978474302944767837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-56185059018126712162012-11-15T03:11:07.075+07:002012-11-15T03:11:07.075+07:00Really like the voice and the enticement of attic ...Really like the voice and the enticement of attic adventures - and Ninjas. LOL My one question was, why is she SO interested? Has she heard noises? Seen something strange? It could be a one-sentence oddity that tells the reader why Crystal is so eager to go help clean in a dusty, mice-ridden environment. Otherwise, I have a hard time believing she'd WANT to.Victoria Dixonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08978050059674596756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-80318229981651138122012-11-15T02:38:49.467+07:002012-11-15T02:38:49.467+07:00Like Deniz and Patchi, the only problem I had was ...Like Deniz and Patchi, the only problem I had was with the bags.<br /><br />I couldn't get an image if they were full or not, especially if the mother is holding them with "her arms crossed, two trash bags dangling from her hands." That sounds like they're empty, instead of hanging heavy at her sides.<br /><br />The same when she's handed them - if she's curious, she should be feeling how heavy they are, jiggling them a little, or even peeking in when she sets them down. Anything to get some sense of whether what's in them is clothes, old books, or crystal balls.<br /><br />Beyond that, good mystery and voice.<br /><br />Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-78072088800567853572012-11-14T23:15:07.642+07:002012-11-14T23:15:07.642+07:00I really like the setup. My only nitpick is why di...I really like the setup. My only nitpick is why did she not look inside the bag? Wasn't she curious? I would have done that instead of sitting at the computer... and probably get caught by Mom before I got very far.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-51435585313006603842012-11-14T22:58:36.504+07:002012-11-14T22:58:36.504+07:00If I had to nit something, I'd sort of wonder ...If I had to nit something, I'd sort of wonder what kind of garbage (if it is garbage) is in those bags. Seems odd to bring them into the living room, no?Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-77849771760435127932012-11-14T22:58:06.328+07:002012-11-14T22:58:06.328+07:00Ooh, now I'm curious!Ooh, now I'm curious!Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-33366721055604692782012-11-14T22:24:03.661+07:002012-11-14T22:24:03.661+07:00This has great intrigue, and makes me want to keep...This has great intrigue, and makes me want to keep reading.<br /><br />My comments on the internal thoughts would be to try to not distance the character from them by labeling them. Rather than "Wondered what's inside them", make the thought direct: "What's inside them?" For more voice, name some possibilities to show us how Crystal's imagination works. Like this: What's inside them? More pictures of lakes and trees from vacation? A decade of Christmas cards? Syrupy love letters from Mom's poet boyfriends of old? <br />--You get the picture. <br /><br />Ditto with the line, "now I'm even more curious to go up there." That's Distant and telling. Instead, show the feeling viscerally. How does it FEEL to be curious? She might describe it as magnetic pull or as a wish for wire cutters. <br /> Laurel Garverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03657218435228802535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-43502600257901512692012-11-14T20:40:07.935+07:002012-11-14T20:40:07.935+07:00The idea of a locked attic is so intriguing by its...The idea of a locked attic is so intriguing by itself that I would read on based on that alone. I mean, who locks their attic, right?<br /><br />Fascinating.<br /><br />I really can't find anything to nitpick, except for the minor points Adam has already made.<br /><br />The one thing I would want is more italics for internal thoughts. But, this is all first person narrative, so that's not a rule, just a style choice, so it would all depend on your editor.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-87633965886181082342012-11-14T19:09:51.707+07:002012-11-14T19:09:51.707+07:00Overall I really like this first page because it i...Overall I really like this first page because it introduces several mysteries all at once: (1) what is in the attic and (2) why won’t her mother let Crystal near it? I especially liked “Ah, the mice.” Clearly it’s not the first time Crystal has heard this.<br /><br />The only thing I’d like to point out is the paragraph about the sudden headache. After that one mention, I don’t get the feeling that it’s bothering her. Although maybe you mention it in the first line of the second page or later throughout the scene, in which case forget I mentioned it. If not, maybe you need a better transition between this and the preceding paragraph. Or perhaps the “[w]hat else could go wrong today?” should be made clearer. Is not seeing the attic part of what had already gone wrong? Although I understand Crystal is curious to see, so far it doesn’t come off to me as something gone wrong yet. If it refers to something else, maybe consider moving it to a spot where it is directly relevant. And when you have a headache, it makes little sense to use a computer—at least as far as I’m concerned.<br /><br />(On a side note, I highly doubt I’m more intelligent, Adam. ;))Valeriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12306033411312062146noreply@blogger.com