tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post3504278238983124766..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: THE FIRE LOTUS (First Page) by Renee AhdiehAdam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-9364082121096765452013-04-23T18:10:05.267+07:002013-04-23T18:10:05.267+07:00I apologize for being blunt - but if I hadn't ...I apologize for being blunt - but if I hadn't read the query I would be wondering where this was going and hoping it was going to get more interesting pretty quickly. You have a family packing up a picnic with a storm rolling in. Then you pad it out with mundane things like shaking out the blanket, getting rid of the trash, wondering where the brother is and 'don't throw out the silverware' (what is the relevance of the silverware??). Sorry, but there is nothing on the first page to entice me to read on.<br /><br />My suggestion would be to get to the 'dying' much quicker. If you want to build upon the relationship between the siblings (which I'm assuming is what the banter is about) then it could be build in as memories and something Jia misses later on. On the first page it isn't enough to encourage me to turn the page.<br /><br />KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-77054445678195564222013-04-23T10:27:39.352+07:002013-04-23T10:27:39.352+07:00With you on the POV.
Also, some of the writing is...With you on the POV.<br /><br />Also, some of the writing is really evocative, like, "The echoing tolls rolled closer as grey clouds swirled above and the horizon hissed with a charge of menace."<br /><br />But the next line is a little too flowery: "Wet moss and bitter earth perfumed the air, leaving behind a metallic tang as an afterthought." Great for a romantic scene or poetry, but maybe not here.<br /><br />Also, there's places that can be trimmed, like instead of "oak tree," you can just say "oak," and instead of "their mother shook a blanket in the air to dislodge the lingering crumbs from its surface," you can just say, "their mother shook a blanket," since we all know why she's doing it.<br /><br />Finally, I like how the ominous line in the dialogue characterizes them, but it does seem out of place for this scene.Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-20731079051955701422013-04-23T00:59:04.504+07:002013-04-23T00:59:04.504+07:00Completely agree about the POV. The jump from the ...Completely agree about the POV. The jump from the ominous weather into the sudden lighthearted conversation definitely felt jarring.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com