tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post4174994185151407454..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: FATHER'S DAY by Hilary SwannAdam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-6174180340169020502012-10-25T16:33:09.904+07:002012-10-25T16:33:09.904+07:00My immediate thought with the first sentence was -...My immediate thought with the first sentence was - why does she have two mom's? Are they are in a gay relationship? Is one a mother and one a step mother and her father is dead? <br /><br />If the story is about a child with gay parents then I'd probably try and make that a little clearer in the query. <br /><br />I'd also try and build in something unique about your story, to set it apart from every other book out there about children embracing their family life.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-52247779204956271722012-10-25T02:35:39.613+07:002012-10-25T02:35:39.613+07:00I don't know enough about PBs to feel qualifie...I don't know enough about PBs to feel qualified to speak on this, but my friend Ishta Mercurio has a blog where she (at least used to) critique a lot of PB queries.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-81667302443601544412012-10-24T22:44:00.892+07:002012-10-24T22:44:00.892+07:00I like the premise and I'd check out the book....I like the premise and I'd check out the book. Adding some specifics to spice up the fun and/or show the unique bits of the story might make the query stand out a little more though. i.e Does she enlist the help of her frog, her imaginary dino, or anything? For me it would also help if Mia were a little more proactive. i.e ....Mia "has" brunch etc. makes her sound like she's going along for the ride, but if she "enlists the help of (insert sidekick)" or "journeys out with so and so", I get a sense of her personality and feel like she's driving the action. <br /><br />Good luck!<br />Deb Smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10990130480508998598noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-77511676746877707872012-10-24T22:22:16.266+07:002012-10-24T22:22:16.266+07:00Yeah i agree with Adam. I would definitely pick th...Yeah i agree with Adam. I would definitely pick this up and take a look at it. I don't have much experience with PB queries, but what you have is succinct and clear. I think if you wanted to, you could build it up a bit more, but like Adam said, not too much, because you don't want it stuffed with filler and fluff.<br /><br />Good luck!!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.com