tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post8821066087336455365..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: Out of the Water by Deniz BevanAdam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-73621676454928326402012-08-26T18:43:42.890+07:002012-08-26T18:43:42.890+07:00Thank you, Jay!Thank you, Jay!Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-17904281092390715502012-08-24T10:53:35.465+07:002012-08-24T10:53:35.465+07:00I think this query is shaping up very well.
The ...I think this query is shaping up very well. <br /><br />The only thing I can say is that final paragraph where revisions took place is unnecessary.Jay Noelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04757777693161610861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-68978016723566406132012-08-23T20:24:36.056+07:002012-08-23T20:24:36.056+07:00Thanks maine!
You're right, specific is always...Thanks maine!<br />You're right, specific is always better. I should definitely mention that they'll be sailing. Lots of hints to be made about the close quarters on a ship :-)Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-73024745353309288832012-08-23T10:01:33.314+07:002012-08-23T10:01:33.314+07:00The story sounds great, but here's a few notes...The story sounds great, but here's a few notes on how things are phrased.<br /><br />"...returning to the Ottoman Empire." Not sure if you need this, since we know he’s going to Constantinople.<br /><br />You might try something like “returning home along the same trade road,” which would help 'cause it doesn't say how they're travelling. For some reason I got an image of them sitting together on a train, and I don’t think that fits. :-)<br /><br />I agree with Adam that there should be a couple words about once she finds her family. And with that lead-off sentence, in the second paragraph, it seems that the next line would explain their family's resistance further, but it’s a different obstacle altogether.<br /><br />So maybe something like "What’s more, Constantinople..." or even better, what Susan suggested.<br /><br />I'd also like to know why her father and brother were arrested.<br /><br />And for this line - "Rosa and Baha risk their lives to rescue them" – I'd want to know more detail, such as will it be a months-long strategy of impersonation to get close to the Grand Vizier, or making contacts in the underground to get enough gunpowder to blow the dungeon doors down.<br /><br />Good luck with it!Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-29423613165375512012012-08-23T00:03:01.736+07:002012-08-23T00:03:01.736+07:00Thanks, Susan! That's a great help. It's s...Thanks, Susan! That's a great help. It's so hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes...Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-56247809686743789482012-08-23T00:02:29.703+07:002012-08-23T00:02:29.703+07:00Thanks for taking the time to read so carefully, j...Thanks for taking the time to read so carefully, jedlight. I like your idea of switching up the sentences to be more action oriented, a lot!Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-76917438799993672222012-08-23T00:01:46.307+07:002012-08-23T00:01:46.307+07:00Thanks, Matthew! You got to see it when I'd ju...Thanks, Matthew! You got to see it when I'd just started querying... Now I'm a few months in and it's time to shake things up!Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-45949583126068747632012-08-23T00:01:14.653+07:002012-08-23T00:01:14.653+07:00Thanks so much, Adam! I'd already sorta come t...Thanks so much, Adam! I'd already sorta come to the conclusion that this was a rather flat query and your comment about choices has given me a way to fix that.<br />*Sadistic* choices, mwah ha ha!Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-8368032680334426012012-08-22T20:41:20.618+07:002012-08-22T20:41:20.618+07:00Sounds like a fascinating period of time, and whil...Sounds like a fascinating period of time, and while I don't read a lot of historical romance, now I'm thinking I should. :)<br /><br />I agree with Adam that the last line of the first paragraph needs some help. I think the struggle is that she's comparing apples (her love of family) to oranges (her love of the man) and there's not an immediate sense that this is a <i>problem</i>. And it should be a problem, if it's the anchor sentence of your first paragraph (the problem comes in the next sentence/paragraph). I would combine those two: "As they travel together, Rosa's deepening desire for the man at her side crashes into her family's refusal to accept this man of a different faith." (only better)<br /><br />Now you have the crux of the whole romance (because the conflict in a romance is always "how in the heck will these two get together" and having your family hate him over religious differences is about as fundamental as that gets). Then I would start the next paragraph with "the complication" (i.e. now they're in Constantinople, but it's not the refuge they thought) and hints that the complication might actually be the solution as well - risking their lives to save her family might win them over, yet, they might all end up in the dungeons.<br /><br />Sounds like you've got a fantastic story - you just need to get it all into that query! Good luck!! Susan Kaye Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07348197999397141067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-72105891953309847812012-08-22T20:08:52.401+07:002012-08-22T20:08:52.401+07:00I love the concept of the story and my initial rea...I love the concept of the story and my initial reaction is "prepare to be transported!" I think your experience in Turkey and the writing workshop says that the story will be well-written and authentic with lots of accurate detail and setting. But as Adam says you may want to leave the workshop out and let the query speak for your writing style.<br /><br />That said, I think the query could convey more action and conflict. By this I mean "refuses to accept" could be "rejects" and "love can withstand their differences" could be "love destroys their doubt and differences." Not that exactly, but something stronger than "can withstand" which seems passive. I think it needs more punch that relates the choices it seems she has to make throughout. <br /><br />I don't like the line "I hope you find my . . . a good fit for your interests." This is the whole point of a query you don't need to say it. And again it's a bit passive. You don't really hope it's a "good fit for your interests" you hope the agent will want and need to read the manuscript immediately and love it as much as you do. You could change that sentence to something like "My 15th-Century historical romance OUT OF THE WATER is complete at 115 thousand words.<br /><br />These are just some thoughts. I really think your books sounds fascinating.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-6359828788428222912012-08-22T19:18:00.519+07:002012-08-22T19:18:00.519+07:00I critiqued this query on my blog some time ago. I...I critiqued this query on my blog some time ago. I can't tell right away how different it is, but I remember thinking it was already in great shape back then, and it certainly still is now.<br /><br />I agree with Adam's points, but I also think not every query has to have a choice. I know, I talk about the three Cs a lot, but the first two are the most critical.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com