TITLE: BREAK FREE
GENRE: YA FANTASY
This is a lot of setup. I think you can just put "they're a team" after the first sentence and cut all but the last. "Diligence to write down ideas" feels like a lame ability next to David's. |
More questions: What turmoil? How is his gov't deceitful? Why is David the only one who can make Demia prosper? Where's home and who's luring him there? And most importantly: what's the bait? |
I'm betting your work deals with science fact, not fiction ;-) |
It was cloudy the day Kai killed his god. He'd expected earthquakes, blood rain, darkness at the very least, but the day his god died—and the day they would execute Kai for killing him—looked the same as any other. As if it were not a god who had died, but a man.8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
I like this opening. But unless kids do get locked away in this story, I'd snip that bit. Get to the point. |
I was initially confused, as "diaries" are different from ships' logs. Love the voice at the end. |
This snipped bit slows things down, I think. And it's info you can give later. |
Good description (all of this is, btw), but now that we have a goal (Mama), I immediately want to know more. I think some of this could be snipped to get us there faster. |
I don't imagine necromancers with mustaches so much, but otherwise I love this opening. |
The 2nd half of this sentence feels cliche and vague to me. |
I'm unsure of the meaning of the highlighted bit here. |
I'm not sure "bigotry" is the right term here. It makes me hate the princess more than I think is warranted. |
"The walls between worlds" feels repetitive to me here. |
In the DeLorean's inaugural voyage, Ein would've crashed into a house 12 miles west of the mall. |
"Was that . . . a DeLorean?" |
Who's not thinking 4th dimensionally now, Doc? |
I dreamt about facehuggers last night -- that scene where Ripley and Newt are locked in a room with 2 of them :-P
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
You have to understand, guys, I HATE facehuggers. Worse than spiders, scorpions, needles, or that cat bus from Totoro.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
YES THE CAT BUS FROM TOTORO WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
The only thing that freaks me out more than facehuggers is open water.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
Anyway, I was trapped in that room with Newt and Ripley for HOURS. I woke up totally stressed out.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
I told my wife about it and tried to explain how terrible facehuggers are (she, of course, didn't really want to know).
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
I said, "We were trapped in this room right here." I slapped my hand against the bulletproof glass NOT REALIZING I WAS STILL IN THE DREAM.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012
The middle of this paragraph feels like telling to me. I say get to the story, so we can see what Anne does. |
The 2nd sentence here moves too fast for me. A lot of events appear out of nowhere (it feels like). "With her own crew": Is she a pirate now? The end of this gets vague (for me) and telling again. |
I'd cut the first two sentences, unless you got pro rate (5+ cents/word) for one of those markets. |
Original picture by HeyGabe, creative commons. |
Original Picture: Sam Sanford |
This part doesn't come across like you'd think it would. Cut it. |
Not sure why the italics. Otherwise, this is a decent start. |
This is a big paragraph. Can it be broken up? I'm in for this whole thing until the last two sentences. It gets vague, and I don't see a compelling choice like I want to. |
Brief and to the point. Good. |
Maybe mention the year right away? Not sure how I feel about this final line. |
I think we skipped the bit where she reunited with her family. Again, not sure about the last line. |
Italicize the newspaper title? |
Not sure whether this is necessary. |