tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post519921842093362289..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: THE EYELET DOVE by Lindsay Kitson (First Page)Adam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-75348118214432587842013-03-26T22:09:15.212+07:002013-03-26T22:09:15.212+07:00Thanks for your comments, everyone. You're cor...Thanks for your comments, everyone. You're correct in guessing that Thomas was teaching her, and that's made clearer in the paragraph immediately following the end of the excerpt. <br /><br />I haven't read Leviathan, but I guess I'll have to dig out the copy I picked up and never got around to to read the opening and make sure it's not too close. It is right at the opening that they're similar?<br /><br />The ladies division bit will be easy to clarify - I've rewritten that line: "That was why she’d joined the Ladies Division of the Avaline Air Guard, to work on the hangar deck refueling and towing aeroplanes, and any other job thought suitable for a woman to do." I think that should take care of it without making it too clunky, no?The Dieselpunkettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957945738556312135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-78535904077665979902013-03-22T19:46:58.764+07:002013-03-22T19:46:58.764+07:00I really liked the setting. What I go was that she...I really liked the setting. What I go was that she was dating the guy because he was willing to teach her to fly. Means to an end, I get that. The creep part is off-putting so I would leave it for later. I'd focus on what's really important to her about flying before letting the reader know what she put up with to get there. Show passion to build sympathy so we can be on her side.<br /><br />Other than that, I think this is a great opening.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-83601952826948352072013-03-22T16:29:04.264+07:002013-03-22T16:29:04.264+07:00I found the first sentence on it's own quite c...I found the first sentence on it's own quite clunky. I'd prefer to see it roll into the second, and then show (rather than tell) Claire tucking in her hair and adjusting her goggle and clothes so she masks her chest. There are also places you can tighten your sentences to make them flow better. E.g. 'the clouds were high up' would be smoother as 'the clouds were high'<br /><br />I agree with Adam - you need to clarify what the Ladies Division is.<br /><br />I'm not quite sure why, if the boyfriend was prepared to teach her how to fly, he would then rat her out if he was there. I get that he's a creep, but it didn't flow to me. I'd also rather you 'showed me' how her skin crawls and how much of a slime bag he is, rather than just telling me.<br /><br /><br /><br />KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-41112513162435474872013-03-22T06:51:47.378+07:002013-03-22T06:51:47.378+07:00I didn't comment this morning 'cause I cou...I didn't comment this morning 'cause I couldn't think of anything to add. I guess others felt the same.<br /><br />Really, all I could think to offer was that "the clouds were high up" didn't sound like what a pilot would say, but then, she's not a pilot yet, so I kept my mouth shut. :pSteve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-82369999155530557372013-03-21T23:11:23.978+07:002013-03-21T23:11:23.978+07:00I'm pretty well into this too. The issues are ...I'm pretty well into this too. The issues are easily fixed, if they're not already cleared up in the next page or two.<br /><br />Isn't it dreadnaught, though, with an A?<br /><br />... actually, no. I looked it up, and I'm totally wrong about that. Sorry!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-82535455252524146382013-03-21T22:14:33.232+07:002013-03-21T22:14:33.232+07:00I was thinking the same thing about the boyfriend....I was thinking the same thing about the boyfriend. If he creeps her out so much, why is she with him?Cap'n Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13374110956066710321noreply@blogger.com