tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post8477486595700720049..comments2023-09-16T15:03:34.579+07:00Comments on Adam Heine: First Impact: INGENICIDE by Joan He (Query)Adam Heinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-88425667877570651172013-03-12T21:51:54.167+07:002013-03-12T21:51:54.167+07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jay Noelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11571082583740830927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-73190800630733957752013-03-09T05:54:14.522+07:002013-03-09T05:54:14.522+07:00Hey guys! Thanks SO much for all your lovely feedb...Hey guys! Thanks SO much for all your lovely feedback :D I definitely agree with all the points that you have made--since submitting this I've tossed out the unnecessary terms so yay!Joan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-20477606942211994952013-03-09T02:40:35.003+07:002013-03-09T02:40:35.003+07:00First of all, for a guy who makes charts - that on...First of all, for a guy who makes charts - that one about the fundraiser is all wrong. You're supposed to <i>work up</i> to your goal, not soar away from it. :p<br /><br />For the query, I got confused, too. I get how she's using group names, but she uses both the Normals and the leaders of the Genocide to mean the same thing (I think). It's also not clear if the Genocide is an event or a group.<br /><br />Unique spin with the decorating over the usual gladiator games.Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-14427646605587425682013-03-08T23:26:53.832+07:002013-03-08T23:26:53.832+07:00Normally, specificity is the key to a great query,...Normally, specificity is the key to a great query, but with certain types of stories, especially spec fic, you can't get too specific in the query, or no one will know what you're talking about.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-76097919083160809972013-03-08T23:22:29.980+07:002013-03-08T23:22:29.980+07:00First, I wonder if perhaps "the sky is HER li...First, I wonder if perhaps "the sky is HER limit" was an intentional modification of the standard phrase... and I expected to find a further explanation of that.. but it never came. <br />Next, to have a Hunger Games type of situation... the leaders (?Normals?) against the downtrodden (?Peers?, or perhaps Ingenia?) but have the competition be something other than violence, is not a bad concept.. but I just can't get into the notion of the winning downtrodden being the one who creates the best room for enemy headquarters. If you want to use something other than strongest/most violent/smartest... I think it needs to either be more significant than interior design, or you need to make me care about interior design.Laurie Gienapphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12393041676803349767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-39006148386142245592013-03-08T22:47:08.195+07:002013-03-08T22:47:08.195+07:00I like the premise that something most would find ...I like the premise that something most would find fickle is what might save a population from genocide, but I agree that this query is very confusing. Focus on the interior design, if that is the heart of the story. Tell us why the second chance competition is for teenagers and not more experienced designers. <br /><br />Good luck!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-87294941031296356822013-03-08T22:45:07.408+07:002013-03-08T22:45:07.408+07:00I'm with Adam. i was really confused by all th...I'm with Adam. i was really confused by all the terms. I had a hard time figuing out which was which, and since you don't really explain anything about any of the groups (who are these people, why are they segregated, etc) there's no weight behind them.<br /><br />So i'm with Adam. Probably the best bet is to drop the terms that you don't need. Peers most likely. Any that you do keep, you'll need to give us a snipet (as short as possible) explaining them.<br /><br />But this sounds exciting and fun! And the query structure is there and ready to go, you just need to make sure you don't lose us before we get to the conflict and choice at the endSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4665052536053897386.post-63882857521297983012013-03-08T22:28:23.004+07:002013-03-08T22:28:23.004+07:00I read through it twice, the first time ignoring t...I read through it twice, the first time ignoring the comments so I can try and see what I get from the query itself. Then with the comments.<br /><br />I'm getting the feeling there's two rivaling factions: Ingenium and those that are part of the Genocide. Because genocide evokes such strong connotations, I was admittedly taken aback by the second chance offer. At the same time, I found the concept of survival of fittest by room design very different than the usual Hunger Games "violence takes all" angle so that really intrigued me.<br /><br />Like Adam, the jargon is probably what is throwing me off the most. Simplifying that could probably go a long way in strengthening this query.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.com