Showing posts with label critiques. Show all posts
Showing posts with label critiques. Show all posts

First Impact: WARRIORS OVER DARKNESS AND THE UNSETTLED GRAVE by Clarissa

I hope you all had a good vacation. Because it's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.




This week we have the first page of a YA urban fantasy from Clarissa. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page
The highlighted bit is a little vague
for me, but okay. I'm curious who
thinks bloodshed is a good thing.

2nd sentence is a bit awkward.
After-hours at the lakefront carnival was a perfect place for bloodshed, especially the kind saddled with revenge. As an assassin of daemonic creatures, Aleera Merrick knew that fun fact all too well considering the shoreline was where she found plenty of her victims and even dumped them in the very handy Lake Michigan. Plus, the high rides and skyscrapers were great stakeout points. 

Isn't a lager a kind of beer?

The longish, awkward sentences are
starting to get to me.
It was past the pier’s midnight closing hour, but teenage lagers in their drunken stumbles were taking forever to leave the grounds. She could hear their hoots and slurred tongues along with the wasted giggles and sloppy kisses of insecure girls. They didn’t see Aleera of course; but the eeriness her mere presence exuded could put more pep in their steps than any vicious canine. She supposed it was wrong, but even after decades of looking like a youngster fresh out of school, abusing her abilities was a habit no rehab could ever break. 

I like these two highlighted lines.
And abuse them she did. Her exhale was the prickly sensations bouncing across their necks. Her intense gray stare burning cracks in their backs was the feeling of a predator on prey. The dark whispers melting from her lips were the voices inside their heads. Like the devilish ones that tell long-face men to kill, kill, kill their loved ones in disgusting ways…but Aleera vowed to never go that far.

And just like that they were gone. 

If she wasn’t careful she could drive folks mad. The extent of her power tugged slyness at her lips. Mundane humans never changed. They would always be so easy to manipulate. It was in their nature; Adam and Eve were proof enough. That’s precisely why she had to protect them from creatures like to her…the untamed ones.


Adam's Thoughts
I don't think I really got into this until the third paragraph. And I think the reason is that there's a lot of thinking and telling here, but the third paragraph is where we really get to see what Aleera can do. And it's awesome and it's creepy.

Not that you can't ever tell. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do. But it'll draw the reader in more if she's doing something, and if we can learn about her through what she does.

I think this is why people say you should start with action. Not because you need exciting openings with explosions, but because we want to do something with the character, rather than read her thoughts.

And it does seem like a fascinating world. Aleera is an intriguing anti-hero, and I'm curious what shakes up her world.

So, what do the rest of you guys think?

First Impact: TALIHINA GRACE by Randal J. Brewer

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.



This week we have a query letter for a commercial literary novel. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query
I wasn't sure if these were part of the
query, or here just for me. If the
former, write it in paragraph form and
round the words to the nearest 1,000.
Talihina Grace - The hard place no one plans for and the person that meets us there.
93,451 words/complete
Commercial literary fiction


Make sure line breaks between the
paragraphs make it into your e-mail.
After Yola Hernandez kills her abusive boyfriend in a sudden rage and flees in a panic, she finds herself stranded in a small Eastern Oklahoma town with nothing but a new name and a young daughter. It’s a temporary stop; just a place to hide and save a little money before moving on; not a good place to become connected to the people, and not a good place to fall in love.

You should mention the name of the
town in para 1. It's not clear this is
the same town Yola's in.
Vivian Greene has moved from the city into her grandmother’s mountain home and opens a café in Talihina. Her pending divorce feels like freedom to her, but has placed her teenage daughter in the same unhappy situation Vivian once lived through.
Cale Williams has tried to fill the void left by his wife's death by working, raising twin boys, and pastoring a small church, but the arrival of two new women in Talihina has thrown off his careful balance. He is attracted to Vivian, but conflicted by his position as her pastor and the proper counsel he should be giving her. He is equally conflicted, perhaps even tormented by the visions he has of the beautiful and secretive waitress at Vivian’s café whom the folks of Talihina know as Teresa.


See here for why I cut this. And you
can talk about future novels if/when
the agent considers representation.
I have no writing credits or education to offer other than a time as a sports editor for small local newspapers. I am self-taught, and Talihina Grace is my debut effort. I am very proud of the result, and the sequel (Talihina Hope?) is underway. I plan to make these the first of many future novels.

Thank you for the opportunity to submit this letter and for your your time and consideration,
Randal J. Brewer


Adam's Thoughts
The meat of the query, the story, is not bad at all. It shows me you can write, and it sounds interesting.

I want a little more though. Maybe connect the three characters sooner (for example, you could tell us Yola is working at Vivian's cafe in Yola's paragraph, maybe). And I really want a sense of the plot. This is a good setup, and I would read the sample pages, but I still don't know what happens. What compelling choice do these characters need to make?

Writing a query highlighting three different characters can be difficult. So another thing you might consider is sticking to a single point of view and focusing on fewer characters.

Lastly, in your submission you said that TALIHINA GRACE has already been self-published. This is something you need to mention in the query. Rachelle Gardner wrote a post on this topic that you definitely should read. I don't know whether it will hurt your chances (probably depends on the agent), but if you don't tell them up front, your chances will still be the same and the agent might be upset you didn't tell them. No need to risk that.

What do the rest of you guys think, about the query in particular?

First Impact: DEATHSIGN by C.A. Schmidt

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.



This week we have the first page of a cool-looking YA fantasy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page
I’m supposed to have powers, not nightmares.

But every night it’s the same. A young man’s scream. A shattering blow and a white flash. Then the wizard comes to me through the gloom, wearing a sleep tunic and shabby sheepskin slippers. “Just a dream, Lina.” He hugs me, beard prickling my forehead, and I gasp. He’s real, he's Barba Luc, an old man with corkscrew curls and eyes of profound blue. The young man is just a dream. I clutch the rough wool of my blankets as my cheeks begin a slow burn.

I'm not following this yet.
Because, really.


I’m the tyro, apprenticed to one of the world’s seven wizards. Fifteen summers old and now, as Barba Luc steps beyond my canopy, utterly mortified.

Because I’m supposed to have powers, not nightmares.

Suddenly, she doesn't seem so
mortified.
It’s a cold morning, just past Spring Smallfire—the Games ended yesterday—so I pull on a tunic and wrap my cloak around me. The cloak is pale gray lamb’s wool, lined with fleece so soft it’s like wearing a cloud. I love the the way it drapes around my shoulders, the way it makes me look, reflected in my little bronze handmirror. Squint a little and I might look wizardly.

Or not. A thin face and dark-but-not-quite-black hair. A bruise splotching my forehead and freckles dusting my nose. I blame that bruise for my nightmares and my memory lapses, but the freckles and I don’t get along, either. As for the hair, well, hair’s hair. I drag a comb through it, then push my way through the canopy and out into the cottage.

Seven shuttered windows and an enormous bearskin rug. The hearthboy is chopping goatbites for breakfast, his open-backed tunic showing a shaggy black mane down to his waist. He grunts “morning blessings” without even looking at me. Typical. No respect.

I’m supposed to have powers, not nightmares.


Adam's Thoughts
The writing is good. You've got a great handle on craft, and there's some good voice in here (I particularly like the line: "well, hair's hair.").

I have two concerns here. The first is a first person POV technique so common it has become cliche: describing the narrator in a mirror. Now I, personally, have not seen this trope enough to be bothered by it, but I'm certain other people have (that's how I know this is a cliche).

But also, the reason the mirror trick usually doesn't work is because it's artificial. The narrator has been wearing this same cloak, and seeing this same face, all her life. Why is she thinking about them now?

The second concern is also a common trope: starting with a dream. The reason this usually doesn't work is because the reader isn't grounded yet, and a dream is ridiculously hard to get grounded in because we know it's not real. I don't even know the gender of the narrator (I'm guessing about the "she"), let alone what her conflict is: why is it so terrible that she has nightmares? Why does she gasp when the old man (whom I also don't know) hugs her?

These are things the narrator knows, so the reader should know them too. We don't need to know them right away, necessarily, but the conflict and tension currently in the open are lost on us because we don't know what's going on yet.

(Also, I'm pretty sure the young man is going to turn out to be real, to be someone she meets, and (if I'm right about the "Because, really" line) to be a love interest. That's another problem with the dream trope: if it's prophetic (they often are) then it's also predictable, and you don't want that.)

What do the rest of you guys think? Do these things feel cliche to you?

First Impact: MY SISTER'S DATING A SERIAL KILLER by Carolyn Chambers Clark

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

Congratulations to commenter PATCHI! The gods of probability have favored you for November's prize!

December's prize will be the same: either $10 for Amazon/B&N OR a 20-page critique from me (seriously, guys, I've had ZERO time to think of/hunt people down for better prizes; I can't imagine why). Anyone who leaves their thoughts in the comments is eligible.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.




This week we have a query for a YA thriller from Carolyn Chambers Clark. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, everything here is just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query
Opening sentence is a bit long and
awkward for me.

I laughed a little imagining her tying
corpses to her sister's boyfriend ;-)
Junior year could be her last for sixteen-year-old Cammie Carter who knows her big sister's dating a serial killer, but she needs more proof. Cammie races to find a couple of dead bodies and tie them to her sister's boyfriend before he puts Cammie and sister on his To Murder List.

Don't need to repeat her name & age.
Sixteen-year-old Cammie Carter appoints herself amateur detective in her town when the local police in Sleepy Valley, SC, spend more time drinking beer and playing cards than paying attention to evidence.
How does she catch him? What does
she see?

What's her plan?
After she catches a guy in what she's sure is attempted murder, she tries to stop her sister from dating him, but big sis, her parents, and the police all tell her she has an over-active imagination. No one listens to Cammie excerpt her over-the-wall Nana, but that just makes her more determined to find evidence the guy's murdering people. Based on the TV mysteries she watches, she devises what could be a foolproof plan ... unless her sister's boyfriend catches on.

MY SISTER'S DATING A SERIAL KILLER is a young adult thriller, complete at 60,000 words.

Contests: Unless they're HUGE and
PRESTIGIOUS, cut them.

Publications: Unless you got paid pro
rates for them, cut them.

Critique group: Cut it.
I won 2nd place for YA fiction from the Florida State Writing Competition and first place for YA fiction from the Utica Writer's Club Competition. PALM PRINTS, the University of South Florida's writer's journal and RIVERWALK have each published one of my short stories. I've been extremely active (top 7%) for a couple of years at www.critiquecircle.com, critiquing others' work and having mine critiqued.

Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,
Carolyn Chambers Clark


Adam's Thoughts
I like a good thriller, and this has as much potential as any, but I'm afraid there's not enough meat for me to tell.

I think you did the thing where you start with a hook paragraph and then back up to tell your story. I've talked about why this is a bad idea before. Short version: Get right to your inciting incident (Cammie saw her sister's boyfriend dumping a dead body in a lake!), then use the rest of the space to lead into your compelling choice (if Cammie exposes him, her sister will hate her forever, but if she doesn't, her sister will die!).

Obviously I made up an incident and choice, but I had to. That's another issue I had with the query: I wanted more specifics. Tell us how she knows the guy's a killer, what (specifically!) she plans to do about it, and what the stakes are if she fails.

Also, some folks may take issue with my last comment (the one that basically says cut the whole bio paragraph). I can understand that, but you can save your issues for Friday. I'm going to write a post on that particular topic.

Otherwise, what do the rest of you guys think? Your comments are at least as valuable as mine.

First Impact: JUMPING ANTS by Lori Goldstein

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.




Here, in Lori's own words: I'm submitting two takes on a pitch that would go in my query letter for my upmarket novel, Jumping Ants.

These posts aren't usually double-pitches, but I did say anything under 300 words, so let's get to it! Remember, this is all just my opinion, so take it or leave it, as you will.

Query Pitch #1
If he was already unpaid and broke
anyway, why do his parents suddenly
get fed up just because he's fired?

I get lost at the "older, rounder
version of himself." Can't tell if it's
literal or not.
At twenty-nine, the charming but aimless Max Walker is too old to be an unpaid intern at a Manhattan advertising agency. He’s also too old to be single, broke, and living with his parents. But he is. When a raunchy photo of a drunken night between the sheets with the busty HR assistant gets him fired, Max’s formerly indulgent parents kick him out onto their suburban New Jersey lawn. A chance stop at a fast-food drive-thru presents Max with a much bigger problem when a stranger opens his car door, puts a gun to his head, and orders him to drive. The weekend-long adventure with this desperate, older, rounder version of himself leaves Max with a black eye, a crush on a feisty bartender, and the truth that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t fooled anyone, least of all himself.

Query Pitch #2
The opening question made me laugh
(though maybe because I just read
Pitch #1).
Who gets fired from an unpaid internship? The charming but aimless Max whose has a talent for self-sabotage that gets him hired, fired, and evicted from his parents’ house in the same week. The twenty-nine-year-old is waiting in line at a fast-food drive-thru assessing which friend’s couch he’ll now call home when a stranger opens his car door, points a gun at him, and orders him to drive. The weekend-long journey with this older, rounder, more desperate version of himself leaves Max with a black eye, a crush on a feisty bartender, and the truth that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t been fooling anyone, least of all himself.


Adam's Thoughts
First, a query basic: paragraph breaks. These both need some.

So, personally, I like the second pitch better, primarily because it doesn't raise the question of why his previously-indulgent parents suddenly get fed up with him. (Remember that, guys: When people have problems with your plot or your world, sometimes the best solution is to cut whatever raised questions.)

But both of them have the same last sentence, which is where I have a couple problems. A minor problem is the one I mentioned in my comment: I can't tell if the "older, rounder version of himself" is meant to be taken literally or figuratively. Likely this is due to all the spec fic I read, so you might be able to ignore it.

The more major problem is that this is all setup. His firing and eviction is the inciting incident, with the gun to his head as the turning point. But that leaves 3/4 of the novel that we know almost nothing about.

I've noted before this is a common problem. The solution is to get to, and through, your turning point as fast as possible, then use the rest of the space to lead up to a sadistic choice -- two compelling things Max must choose between that will make the reader go, "What will he do?!!!"

What do the rest of you guys think?

First Impact: A QUESTION OF FAITH (first page)

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.



Last week, we had a YA paranormal query from Nicole Zoltack. This week, we're looking at the first page of that manuscript. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. As always, your mileage may vary.

First Page
I like this image.
The attic door was always secured and padlocked, but now the stairs hang down into the hallway like a lolling tongue from a particularly dark and dusty mouth.

"Crystal! Why aren't you doing your homework?" Mom stands at the top of the stairs, her arms crossed, two trash bags dangling from her hands.

LOL!
My chance to finally see inside the attic thwarted. Of course. Mom's the attic ninja.

"I wanted to see—"

Mom hurries down the stairs. "Can you take these bags down to the living room for me?" She forces a smile.

"But…"

She hands me the bags, then lifts the steps, closes up the attic and locks it before I can even get a glimpse inside it. Now I'm even more curiositycurious to go up there.

Not sure if this last line is supposed
to be internal thought or what.
After another glance at the attic, I do as she asks and drop the bags near the living room desk. Wonder what's inside them.

My temple tingles. Great. A headache. What else could go wrong today? I rub my eyes and sit down in front of the computer when Mom comes into the room.

"I'm sorry for snapping. You just caught me by surprise." Dust is sprinkled throughout Mom's dyed hair, covering her strawberry blonde strands with gray.

"What were you doing up there?"

"Just a little cleaning. There's so much crud up there it isn't funny. I don't know why I kept so many doubles of pictures… We're lucky the house hasn't caught on fire, but at least I'm making some progress."

"Do you want me to help?" I ask eagerly.

"Oh, hon, you don't want to go in the attic." She shudders. "There are mice up there."

Ah, the mice. Her mMom's reason for locking the attic. Or excuse for keeping me out.


Adam's Thoughts
This is a great opening, Nicole. It's got a clever voice and just enough tension to keep me reading.

I . . . can't think of anything bad to say. If the next few pages move as well as this starts, I think you've got the beginning of something good.

But who knows, maybe one of our more-intelligent-than-me readers can give you something to improve. Thoughts, guys?

First Impact: A QUESTION OF FAITH by Nicole Zoltack


It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Thank you so much for your submissions and critiques in October. Through randomology, I have determined that the critiquer who wins a 15-page critique from Jodi Meadows is Fiction Writer!! Send me an e-mail, and I'll put you in contact with Jodi right away.

November's prize will be winner's choice: either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me. Anyone who offers their comments on First Impact posts in November is eligible.



This week we have a YA paranormal query from Nicole Zoltack. Thank you, Nicole! My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. As always, your mileage may vary.

Query
This first line is nice, but I feel like
the rest of the paragraph wanders a
bit. Could we skip tracking down the
witches and go straight to the truth?
Fifteen-year-old Crystal Miller isn’t a Bible thumper, but how can she not believe in God when He answers nearly all of her prayers? Learning her birthmother sought the help of witches to conceive her shakes her previously unwavering faith. Since curiosity isn't a sin, she tracks down the witches and learns she's the incarnation of magic. Supposedly, that makes her the only person whose magical potential is limitless.

BIG paragraph. Better break it up.

I don't understand how this is
nonsense. She gets whatever she
asks for, right? Sounds cool to me.

I think you can trim this paragraph.
It flows, but it feels more synopsis
than query, and I'm not clear on why
certain events are happening.
Crystal can’t believe her birthmother fell for such nonsense and vows to forget about magic, but when her boyfriend’s mom is seriously injured, she’s tempted to do more than just pray. Surely God won’t mind if she’s using magic to help people. After her boyfriend's mother miraculously recovers, Crystal doesn't know who saved her. Despite worrying her magic will damn her to Hell or, worse, that she doesn’t even have a soul to condemn, she sets out to master her power. Unfortunately, flying and playing with fireballs attracts dangerous attention. When a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and shamans snatch her aunt in an effort to control her, Crystal can no longer ignore who she really is. But she’s still new to magic and if she can't figure out what she's capable of, forget about saving those she loves--she just might start the apocalypse.

A QUESTION OF FAITH is an 87,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.

I am the author of a fantasy romance trilogy, Kingdom of Arnhem - Woman of Honor (2009), Knight of Glory (2010), and Champion of Valor (2011) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. Fifteen of my short works have appeared in various anthologies, including Mertales by Wyvern Publications, and many collections by Pill Hill Press, with one more to be published next year, as well as another novel from Desert Breeze Publishing.

Nicole Zoltack
www.NicoleZoltack.com
~Where Fantasy and Love Take Flight~
The Kingdom of Arnhem trilogy: Woman of Honor, Knight of Glory, and Champion of Valor
Available from DBP ~ Amazon ~ ARe ~ B&N


Adam's Thoughts
I like the opening line. It made me smile and got me intrigued. 

But I think I interpreted it wrong. I thought that God answering nearly all her prayers was actually her magic powers manifesting. But Crystal's later conflict between her powers and God got me confused.

Does God really answer all her prayers? I'm having my own faith crisis right now wondering if I believe that or if it sounds like fantasy (and wondering what it says about me that my first thought was that was part of the fantasy). If God does answer her prayers (and it's not magic), I think this might raise the same question with other people, which distracts from your story.

If it's not really God (if it is her magical abilities manifesting), then I feel like her inner conflict of staying faithful vs. using her powers is a false one. They're the same thing. Shouldn't that be her inner conflict (i.e. are these powers from God or have I been believing a lie my whole life)?

The story sounds cool, but I'm not sure I'm clear on the central conflict. It's sad (and like I said, crisis-inducing) that I let this one phrase confuse me so much. I wonder if it's just me. What did the rest of you guys think when you read this one?

First Impact: MIST OF KAVALA by Carolyn Abiad

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start, and we're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win a 15-page critique from INCARNATE author, Jodi Meadows. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful.



This week we have a sci-fi query from Carolyn Abiad. Thanks for submitting, Carolyn! My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. As always, your mileage may vary.

Query
Dear Mr. (agent),

The 2nd sentence feels misleading to
me. I'm sure he feels responsible, but
I wouldn't say he is.
In the biodome of Kavala, fifteen-year-old Taner is a pacifist who worships the goddess Tyche, like the rest of his outcast family. No one suspects he’s responsible for his father’s violent death. The Shadowcloak’s fatal shot was meant for Taner, who was pocketing the thief’s artifact.


I like the term mods in this sense.
A mix of guilt and vengeance drives Taner to defy his creed and secretly train to fight the Shadowcloaks. He activates the artifact, hoping to find the thieves, but what he discovers is not a portal or a passage. The artifact mods things, literally changes them. Taner mods his weapon, an auto-aim scope appears out of thin air, and the action alerts Tyche’s rival god, Mithra.
I'm having trouble tracking which
god is which here.
Mithra’s Elite Guards give Taner a choice: follow Tyche from his prison cell, or use his instinctive military skills to capture Shadowcloaks with the Guard.

Whoops, you lost me here. This
sounds like a cool reveal, but in the
query you might need to keep it
simpler.
At Guard boot camp, Taner follows a raiding thief into the Shadowcloak dome, and discovers nothing he knows is solid. Biodomes are holographic, driven by Mithra’s exploitive codes. Mods are part of the fight to control reality. And the Shadowcloaks once followed Tyche.

Clear stakes. Good.
If Taner doesn't stop Mithra’s manipulation, the Shadowcloaks and everyone he loves in Kavala will be destroyed.
Linking to your website is great, but
I doubt agents will be interested in
the background of your book.
MIST OF KAVALA is a 59,000-word YA science fiction novel. Kavala’s world rules draw on Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing games, the mods that plague them, and the ancient military cult of Mithra. More information about the mythology in the book can be found at carolynsnowabiad (dot) com.

I believe you might like my YA sci-fi, MIST OF KAVALA (because).

Thank you for your consideration of my work.

Best,
Carolyn Snow Abiad
Women’s National Book Association
- Charlotte Membership Chair
SCBWI Member


Adam's Thoughts
This sounds like a cool world with a clear plot. I haven't actually played an MMORPG since 1989, but as a gamer I would totally read this.

I do think the query gets a bit confusing when it comes to the gods of the world. Part of that is I didn't realize the gods were actual characters until Mithra was introduced (usually gods are non-participants in a story), so I wasn't paying attention.

Actually, you might be able to skip mentioning Tyche entirely just to simplify it. Something like: "When a thief kills Taner's father, Taner leaves his family's pacifist religion, secretly training to fight the Shadowcloaks." But better, you know?

I like that even though the story is based on MMORPGs, it doesn't feel like a game-turned-novel. And who knows? You might find an agent who likes MMORPGs as well.

What do the rest of you guys think?

First Impact: FATHER'S DAY by Hilary Swann

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where I take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start, and we're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win a 15-page critique from INCARNATE author, Jodi Meadows. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful.



We have a short one this week: a picture book query from Hilary Swann. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.


Query
I think even with such small word
counts, you're still supposed to
round to the nearest hundred.
Mia wants to celebrate Father's Day, but with two moms and no dad she doesn't quite know how. When her mom suggests making the day special, Mia has brunch, goes ice skating, and meets other families: some with dads and some without. Father's Day is story about embracing your family no matter what shape or size. It is 567 600 words.
  
Thank you for your time and consideration.


Adam's Thoughts
I have to start by saying I haven't seen a lot of picture book queries. I believe you usually submit the entire manuscript along with the query, and so the query is more like a cover letter. Mary Kole over at KidLit.com seems to agree with me.

But that doesn't mean the query isn't important. This looks really short, but I have to admit, I like this concept and would read this.

The only thing I think you could add is a little more meat about the middle. Does she have brunch and go ice skating by herself? Does she do anything with the other families? Don't go crazy, because I think this already does its job: entice the agent or editor to read on.

What do the rest of you guys think? Would you read this?

First Impact: GRIMOIRE by Marcy

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win a 15-page critique from author Jodi Meadows.

And this feature can only continue with your submissions! If you have a query letter, first page, or even back cover blurb you'd like critiqued, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.



Thank you, Marcy, for letting us take a look at your YA Historical Paranormal. As always, this is just my opinion. You are welcome to disagree.


Chapter One ~ February 1805

The last sentence threw me off on my
first read. I think the problem is the
first sentences are a bit misleading.
It was a fine day for a sale, brisk but sunny; -- a good day for traveling, as evidenced by the crowd in the lane. Most came to buy. Some came out of curiosity. But none of them noticed her sitting in the hall, left with nothing but a single trunk.

I love this paragraph. Great voice.
Great emotion. Totally draws me in.
Arlen watched them, blinking back furious tears, winding her fingers together so tight it hurt. She itched to slap their hands away from whatever they touched, snatch back what they'd bought. How dare they? These were her things!

Except they weren't.

Not anymore.

How long ago did this happen? How
fresh is her pain?

This last sentence is a bit awkward.
It had been an accident according to the coroner. Her parents, coming home from a dinner party in nearby Saxton Greene, were killed when their carriage careened into the pond at the entrance to the property. They were found with their driver all frozen and stiff the next morning when one of the kitchen maids walked in from the village.

And according to Mr. P. T. James Esquire, Ssolicitor to her father's estate, there was no money, therefore, nothing to bequest bequeath. In fact, the estate's debts were such that everything would have to be sold.

Now all the pretty things her parents had collected, the baubles and crystal lamps, the paintings in their gilt frames, the plants in the conservatory - even the lovely gown she was supposed to wear for her coming out ball - were walking out in the hands of strangers.

It was all she could do not to scream.


Adam's Thoughts
What a horrible day for Arlen. This is such a great start -- I'm feeling Arlen's pain and wondering what the heck is going to happen to her (does she become Batman? Please tell me she becomes Batman).

The only major thing I want to say about this is about the opening paragraph. It feels tricksy to me, but not in a good way. I like the irony of it -- that it's a nice day for a sale, but the sale totally sucks. But I don't like feeling like I was tricked into believing one thing, when the story's about another.

I also noticed a lot of little errors here and there -- misplaced commas, bad capitals, misused semicolons, etc. Not so much that I think you can't write (you obviously can, and well), but enough that I noticed.

On the one hand, I understand you shouldn't have to worry about these things until the meat of the story is polished. I get that.

On the other hand, I consider them to be our katas. Ultimately, we should be so familiar with them we don't even think about them anymore. We just do it right. I say this for everyone, myself included. Learn to care :-)

What do you guys think about this piece? Does the opening paragraph work for you? If not, how would you fix it?

MSFV's Logline Critiques, Revision Round

The entries have been posted for Miss Snark's First Victim's Logline Critique Revision Round.* Each one you critique will earn you an entry toward October's First Impact prize: a 15-page critique from Jodi Meadows, author of INCARNATE.

A logline is one or two sentences that answers the question, "What's the book about?" To critique them, you just need to say whether it sounds interesting and why or why not.

And a big welcome to the logline authors! If I messed something up, shoot me an e-mail. I hope the critiques you get here will be useful (they should be; we have some very talented readers). And [plug] if you ever need a query or first page critique, feel free to send those in as well [/plug].

* Blog feed subscribers may have to click over to the blog to read them.

Logline Revision Critiques #26

TITLE: My Sister's Dating a Serial Killer
GENRE: YA Thriller
Original critique on MSFV

High school's a bummer for sixteen-year-old Cameo "Cammie" Carter who must stop her eighteen-year-old sister from dating a serial killer. The only way is to get hard evidence on him, but if Cammie doesn't hurry, the killer might just put her and her sister on his To Do Murder List.

Logline Revision Critiques #25

TITLE: Jennifer Strange
GENRE: YA Paranormal Horror
Original critique on MSFV

Fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus must protect his family from a soul-eating wraith but his only hope is Jennifer Strange who doesn't believe she can touch ghosts.

Logline Revision Critiques #24

TITLE: The Wanderers
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Clouds of dead souls are filling the skies of Erion. When a ruthless scientist professes to have found a solution, Rhanee travels back in time to find a way to free the dead before he succeeds and claims ultimate power as his reward.

Logline Revision Critiques #23

TITLE: Artashad
GENRE: Historical

When exiled Prince Tiridates hears how his people suffer under Persian occupation, he convinces the Romans to send a liberating force to Armenia. The Roman warlords have their own motives, and the Persians will violently defend their claim, but if Tiridates must achieve the throne or his nation will cease to exist.

Logline Revision Critiques #22

TITLE: DEATHLESS
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

When an army of ancient monsters threatens to overrun her country, 17-year-old fugitive, Zee, joins the army to win a reprieve from her death sentence, only to discover that she is the key to awakening the centuries-old goddesses the monsters are fighting to free.

Logline Revision Critiques #21

TITLE: Amongst
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

No one has ever left Verandale…at least not with their body still wrapped around their soul.
But thirteen year-old Enoch believes he has discovered a way to escape.

Logline Revision Critiques #20

TITLE: Twenty-Four Hour Boy
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade
Original critique on MSFV


Up all night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris is happy with his freakish lifestyle. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door his parents question his sanity and Hunter has to prove that he was telling the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

Logline Revision Critiques #19

TITLE: BREAK FREE
GENRE: YA FANTASY
Indentured servant Kiel Reaux has one goal: deliver a spell-stone to his boss, the Baron of Old Town, and earn his freedom before his chains become a noose. But when the delivery goes balls up, and lands him in the hands of slavers, Kiel is sold to a priestess who promises him freedom if he escorts her through a murderous magical jungle. Caught between the deadly jungle and the equally deadly Baron who’s tired of waiting for his spell-stone, freedom becomes the least of Kiel’s problems. Freedom means nothing if he’s dead.

Logline Revision Critiques #18


TITLE:  Listening In The Snow
GENRE: Middle Grade Fiction
In the deep of a dark Vermont winter, eleven-year-old Nathan Hayes, a shy stutterer, breaks into the long-abandoned Specter house, willing to brave its legendary ghosts in order to find the magic charm he believes will bring his mother home.