Logline Revision Critiques #17

TITLE: The Duct Tape, Cereal Box Knight
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

When an oversized eleven-year-old with a penchant for creative recycling unites two halves of an oyster shell, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of storms that threaten to flood the world. To stop the catastrophe, he'll have to slay a sinister dragon who bears more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears.

Logline Revision Critiques #16

TITLE: The Disappointment Country

GENRE: Adventure/thriller

Never dare someone who runs on one leg. When idealistic outdoorsman Cutter overcomes his amputation to build an “adventure ranch” in remote Colorado, a vengeful former mentor with a war-crimes secret schemes to take it over to hide a mercenary training operation. Cutter must survive wildfire set by a beautiful pawn and a midnight mountain bike chase to save Double Dare Ranch.

Logline Revision Critiques #15

TITLE: FORCED TO FLY

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Lori Gibbs can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten. If Lori fails, she'll hang.

Logline Revision Critiques #14

TITLE: Vitro/Vivo

GENRE: Sci-Fi dystopia

Original critique on MSFV

When Vitro geneticist Drei stumbles across a conspiracy to eradicate her City's life-saving genetic material, she is forced to flee the City before she can find out who is behind the conspiracy or how to stop them. In order to survive the wild lands outside and find a way back in, she must forge a reluctant partnership with Jag, one of the violent, superstitious Vivos, as they discover it is not only Drei's people who are in danger of extinction.

Logline Revision Critiques #13

TITLE: Flint
GENRE: YA Dystopian/Post-Apocalyptic
Original critique on MSFV

In the plague-decimated shell of America, Bekka has no one but her younger sister, who has been inexplicably abducted by the military settlement scouts responsible for her father’s murder six years ago. When one scout returns, claiming she’s had a change of heart, Bekka is sure she’s lying. But accepting the scout's help might be the only way for Bekka to bring her sister home.

Logline Revision Critiques #12

TITLE: The Sculptor
GENRE: Suspense Thriller
Original critique on MSFV

An American graduate student in Rome is targeted by a serial killer, The Sculptor, as the prized masterpiece in his growing collection of plastered victims. After uncovering the family secrets that draws him to her, she ultimately must rely on those secrets to turn the tables on The Sculptor in a terrifying confrontation.

Logline Revision Critiques #11

TITLE: Havoc's Knot

GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Logline: Jake had no idea a trip to the local museum would transform him from wallflower to warrior. When he accidentally takes the place of another boy, he also takes on a prophecy not intended for him. Now he must defeat the wolf king if he ever wants to see home again, or keep the people he loves alive.

Logline Revision Critiques #10

TITLE: Unwritten

GENRE: Contemporary Romance

Original critique on MSFV

Singer/songwriter Katherine Hayes has worked hard to achieve superstar status, and to guard a tragic secret from her past. When her estranged mother launches a smear campaign that threatens everything, Kate finds unlikely refuge with college professor Josh Randall, a man who sees through her defenses but is unwilling to take chances with his own heart. Now, Kate must overcome her traumatic past to repair her reputation and fight for her chance at love.

Logline Revision Critiques #9

TITLE: NOOKS & GRANNIES
GENRE: Humorous Paranormal
Original critique on MSFV

NOOKS & GRANNIES reveals childhood friends Keegan and Amelia as the late-bloomers they are--accepting their respective quirks and his homosexuality--while coping with ghostly whispers and levitating objects in Keegan's grandmother’s house. Comfortable with their misfit status, they now must learn how to react when two young men come along to shake up their mostly reclusive lives.

Logline Revision Critiques #8

TITLE: Through the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
Original critique on MSFV

When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. If Izzy fails, both her sister and the Changelings will end up as ingredients in the queen's youth elixir.

Logline Revision Critiques #7

TITLE: Beyond Chains and Stars

GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

Original critique on MSFV

When twins Chosi and Juhan are stolen from their home world and sold into slavery, they vow to return home. But with Chosi in the gladiator arena and her brother sold into political intrigue, keeping that vow might kill them.

Logline Revision Critiques #6

TITLE: Elemental Fire
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

Revised logline:
Grieving fourteen-year-old Brook discovers a gate to another world and inadvertently carries the gate key to the hub world of Tirasvara. Merrick, a stranded madman, seeks the key to control travel between Tirasvara and parallel Earths. Merrick’s plans would destroy all existing gates. If Brook doesn’t return it to her own world, while fighting the temptation use the key to flee to a world where her mother still lives, she’ll cause the same destruction.

Alternate format:
When fourteen-year-old Brook follows her physicist father though a gate to the world of Tirasvara, she discovers a plot to alter the physical laws governing travel between parallel worlds. If she can’t stop a madman determined to control access to all worlds, physical disasters will reverberate through her world and destroy her gateway home.

Logline Revision Critiques #5

TITLE: Dias de los Muertos: Days of the Dead

GENRE: Middle Grade

Original critique on MSFV

Thirteen-year-old Fortunato is left as the reluctant head of his dysfunctional family when his abusive father dies. After finding a 500-year-old journal, Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse that threatens to destroy him and the rest of his family. Can he pacify the ghost of a murdered Aztec woman by replacing the artifact his ancestor stole, or will the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries claim Fortunato as well?

Logline Revision Critiques #4

TITLE: The Withering of Amblethorn
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Original critique on MSFV

The girls of an exclusive New England school are disappearing only to be returned aged beyond recognition. When authorities brush the case aside two unlikely friends, school outcast Vera and social butterfly Peyton, team up to figure out who-or what- is behind it.

Logline Revision Critiques #3

Title: Running Down the Dragon

Genre: Adult Thriller/Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Thalia Drake of the U.S. Military's elite shapeshifter forces, and the world's last dragon, must stop a serial killer whose ultimate goal is exterminating shapeshifters. But stopping him means exposing the deadly secret she's hidden for thousands of years - her true identity.

Logline Revision Critiques #2

Title: ACE OF SHADES

Genre: YA steampunk fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Seventeen-year-old Enne Alfero must find her lost mother in the shadow world before she loses herself in casino royales, hot street lords, and an unbreakable vow to work as an assassin that pits her against the city's politicians in a deadly game for her life.

Logline Revision Critiques #1

Title: CHRYSALIS
Genre: YA
Original critique on MSFV

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel is an archangel with amnesia.

William and Lucian, long time enemies, are both sent to retrieve the gift Ivy guards, the healing power for all mankind.

One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both and save the world?

First Impact: The Legacy of the Eye, by Patricia Moussatche

Before we get to our First Impact critique, I need to announce that on Friday, Author's Echo is hosting revised versions of Authoress's Round One Logline Critiques. That means two things for you:

1. More chances to win this month's First Impact prize. All critiques offered to these logline revisions will be entered for the monthly prize.
2. There will be a deluge of posts on Friday (e-mail subscribers, I'm so, so sorry).

Remember, anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments of this post, and the logline revisions on Friday, will be eligible to win a 15-page critique from Jodi Meadows, author of INCARNATE. Each post you critique is another chance to win.

We always need more stuff to critique, so if you would like to submit your query/first page/etc, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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This week we have a sci-fi query from Patricia Moussatche. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. And remember, this is just one guy's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

This is a lot of setup. I think you can
just put "they're a team" after the
first sentence and cut all but the last.

"Diligence to write down ideas" feels
like a lame ability next to David's.

Query
David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates. David has brilliant ideas and Catrine has the diligence to write them down. Catrine is shy, so David gives their thoughts a strong voice. When David’s temper flares, it is always Catrine who calms him down. They are a team. At least until the day he kisses her.

Woah, this paragraph raises a lot of
world-building questions. How does
the throne have authority if it doesn't
exist? What has David accomplished?
How does the throne represent
hypocrisy? What kind of hypocrisy?

That day, David notices a tiny tattoo hidden beneath her hair that marks Catrine as next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on their planet. Will his own accomplishments count for naught when the next ruler is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he always believed in?

More questions: What turmoil? How
is his gov't deceitful? Why is David
the only one who can make Demia
prosper? Where's home and who's
luring him there? And most
importantly: what's the bait?

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia--a position that does not exist--by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist.

I'm betting your work deals with
science fact, not fiction ;-)

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is science fiction with romantic elements and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [where I work].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche


Adam's Thoughts
World-building is so, so, so, so, so hard to get across clearly -- decuply so in a query. The trick in a query is to stay 100% focused on what matters: the main character, his goal, his conflict, and what terrible choice he must make. Don't hint at anything you can't explain, and don't explain anything you don't absolutely have to.

This query actually does feel focused on the main storyline, but it hints at a bunch of things we don't understand. You either need to explain things, or even better, cut the bits that raise questions.

For example, instead of saying "a hereditary throne that should not exist," go straight to what's sinister about it. "She's marked as the next Queen Poobah. The Poobahs were supposed to have been removed from power centuries ago, but they've been ruling the utopian Demia from the shadows. Now David's parents are conspiring to make him the next King."

Or instead of explaining it, skip his relationship with Catrine and the tattoo, and go straight to David's parents conspiring to marry him to Demia's next shadow ruler. Then explain why this is a bad thing (stakes) and why just saying no is not an option (sadistic choice).

Anyway, that's just my idea. What do the rest of you think?

First Impact: MG Fantasy from Kristen Wixted

First off, I have to thank Matt MacNish for promoting this feature and single-handedly filling up October with submissions. You should thank him too, because until those submissions came in, there wasn't going to be a prize this month (and it's a good prize; keep reading).

Second, the winner of September's prize -- $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page crit from me -- is PATCHI! Please contact me and let me know which prize you want.

And thank all of you for your thoughts. keep them coming. The authors always tell me how much they appreciate it.

Lastly, I have a special prize for October: a 15-page critique from the amazing and talented Jodi Meadows! To win, leave a critique on any First Impact post this month. Purchasing a copy of Jodi's fantastic INCARNATE won't improve your chances, but it will keep you good company and cure acne (maybe). Plus! Dragons!

Somebody stop me. We have a critique to do.

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Disclaimer: This is all just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it. Overall comments at the end.

First Page

I like this opening. But unless kids
do get locked away in this story, I'd
snip that bit. Get to the point.

Not all attics are full of shadows, spider webs, and ugly hatboxes dotted with evidence of unwelcome creatures; those are the kind of attics where children get locked away. Some attics smell like lavender soap, are strewn with treasures, and if the right child should come in at the right moment, are full of possibility.

I was initially confused, as "diaries"
are different from ships' logs.

Love the voice at the end.

The treasures in Aunt Tibby’s attic were mostly old diaries. Crooked, nearly toppling stacks of antique journals and ships’ logs covered the wooden floorboards and wide shelves, because the museum had run out of room and Aunt Tibby wasn’t about to throw them away. Heavens no.

This snipped bit slows things down, I
think. And it's info you can give later.

Somewhere, in one of the piles of antique leather and cloth-covered books was a particular diary that Eve, Aunt Tibby’s grand-niece, couldn’t wait to find. It was the key to her questions, because now that she was eleven she had lots of questions, about her Mama.

Good description (all of this is, btw),
but now that we have a goal (Mama),
I immediately want to know more. I
think some of this could be snipped
to get us there faster.

So for months, every time she visited her great aunt on Martha’s Vineyard, Eve put on her favorite old jeans and sweatshirt—clothes that she would never be allowed to wear at home in New York City—and she scoured. She searched. She investigated, explored, and rummaged around in the attic. She flipped through yellowed books, she tossed aside threadbare scarves and feathered hats so she could get at more old books. One time, to reach a pile of diaries that was off in a corner, she was even forced to pick up, with two reluctant fingers, a ratty, blonde wig and fling it aside.


Adam's Thoughts
I don't have a lot to say except to elaborate on my comments there. The voice, and especially the descriptions, are really good. I get the feeling I'm about to step into a mystery or possibly an adventure.

My only real complaint is at the end, and honestly that could be just because it's cut off as a first page. If the very next line was like, "Her mama had died when she was little . . . " or else, "Then one day she found it," I probably wouldn't have a problem with the length of that last paragraph at all.

So I'm just being nitpicky, really, because I don't know how much longer I have to wait to get to the meat. This first page is enticing (that's why I want the meat!), and though I do see occasional tangents that slow things down, they're not so bad that I wouldn't keep going.

What do the rest of you think?

First Impact: ROGUE PRINCESS by J.J. DeBenedictis

We've got one last First Impact submission for September! This might be the last critique for which I offer a monthly prize so remember: anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

And I will still take First Impact submissions as they come in. So if you want a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Huge thanks to J.J. DeBenedictis for submitting the query for her novel, ROGUE PRINCESS. If you don't already know, J.J. runs her own excellent query critiquing/rewriting blog. You may recall she helped make my own query successful. I'm more than happy to return the favor!

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query Letter

I don't imagine necromancers with
mustaches so much, but otherwise
I love this opening.

Everyone thinks necromancers are moustache-twirlers in goth make-up and disturbing wardrobe choices. But really, they're more like Wynne--a considers himself sensitive and friendly young man who. He sees his job less as magically wrangling souls and more as offering comfort and closure to the bereaved.

The 2nd half of this sentence feels
cliche and vague to me.

So when the king tries to kill Wynne to hide the fact the queen has been murdered and reanimated, it thrusts the necromancer into a world of intrigue and violence he has no capacity for.

I'm unsure of the meaning of the
highlighted bit here.

To save his life, Wynne shimmies escapes down a drainpipe and joins the Rogues' League, a military company that offers sanctuary to criminals in exchange for service to the crown. Unfortunately, Wynne's plan to then enlist the help of the warfront necromancers disintegrates. The queen's continued un-life is weakening the walls between worlds, and Wynne's peers are too busy stopping angry souls from creeping onto the battlefield as walking dead to help Wynne crowbar the queen back out of her corpse.

I'm not sure "bigotry" is the right
term here. It makes me hate the
princess more than I think is
warranted.

In fact, the only person willing to help him is the bigotry-driven princess (also hiding out in the Rogues' League) who murdered the queen in the first place. Unfortunately, her bigotry mainly consists of hating she hates anything to do with necromancy, and Wynne isn't sure this is an alliance he can survive.

"The walls between worlds" feels
repetitive to me here.

But he has to. There's more at stake than the comfortable life he had planned. If Wynne doesn't break past the palace's security and re-kill the queen, the walls between worlds will tear, angels and demons alike will spill through to wreak havoc, and the dead will rise and begin to eat the living.

ROGUE PRINCESS is a 77,000-word fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoy the dark humor and relentless action of Joe Abercrombie's novels or Richard Morgan's A LAND FIT FOR HEROES series. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Adam's Thoughts
This sounds like fun! I think the voice and Wynne's character comes through really well, and the plot sounds intriguing. I do want a more sadistic choice to leave me wanting more (I always do, don't I?), but I think this does a good job getting the story across. I think most agents would immediately be able to tell if this was the kind of story they were into.

One thing you do want to be careful of is wordiness. You can see I trimmed a lot, and I bet you could trim even more. There's plenty of great voice and word choice here that you can stand to streamline it without losing any of it (though even I'm rethinking cutting the word "shimmies" -- it's a great image).

What do the rest of you guys think? Would you read this?