Love Stories, the Maturation of the Male Writer

STAGE 1: Ignorance
"There are girls in Lord of the Rings?"

At first, the subject is aware of love stories in general, but has either never read any or is unaware that he has. Attempts at bringing romance to the subject's attention may result in discomfort, interrupted thought patterns, or an irrational desire to play Splinter Cell. 

STAGE 2: Avoidance
They were close enough to feel the warmth of-- "BO-RING." *flip* *flip* *flip*

In the second stage, the subject exhibits an acute awareness and dislike of romance. He will sometimes go out of his way to learn about popular series with romantic storylines just so he can deride them. Studies show a strong correlation between writers in this stage and bachelors.

STAGE 3: Tolerance
"I like the rest of this story. I guess I can put up with a kissing scene or two."

Often triggered by a well-written adventure/romance novel, or a series of real-life break ups, writers in the third stage begin to actually read romantic subplots, if not enjoy them. This is provided, of course, that the main plot involves terrorists, aliens, pirates, serial killers, or some other form of mortal terror.

STAGE 4: Curiosity
"Women read a lot, and they seem to like this stuff. I bet if I can fake it, they'll read my stuff too."

Writers begin to see romance as a means to "trick" women into reading their book. They pay more attention to love stories, trying to see "how it's done." It's important at this stage that they learn from fiction, because even after thousands of years of studying women in real life, men still have no clue what they want.

STAGE 5: Secret Acceptance
In the last stage, the subject comes to terms with the fact that romance is a part of life, and therefore a part of fiction. Although certain cultural pressures still apply.

In public: "I don't care who she ends up with. I just want to see her blow stuff up!"
At home: "Why can't she see how much Gale cares for her?" *tissue*

18 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

For me that's a look into another world!

aspiring_x said...

HA!!!! This is so funny! but it's not just true for men... this is like the journey of my last ten years as a reader! :)

Adam Heine said...

That's actually really encouraging, aspiring. I would've bet it was just me :-)

writtenwyrdd said...

Hilarious, Adam! I think this describes my journey to dabbling in erotica. I always read romances, but the more racy stuff had me going through pretty much the process you describe until I started writing it.

Susan Kaye Quinn said...

*tears from laughing*

I so heart this.

My husband wanted to read my book, out of some terribly sweet sense of love that he only gruffly was willing to acknowledge. I made a face. "You know it's a love story, right?"

"Yeah, just give it to me, okay?"

When he was done, he mostly commented that there was "too much kissing." I kissed him anyway.

p.s. Gale? Gale?? Yeah, my husband would have picked him too.

Adam Heine said...

Yeah sorry, Susan. I liked Peeta and all, but he wasn't as real to me. I had trouble believing any guy could be that perfect ;-)

Plus I didn't like the treatment he got at the end.

lotusgirl said...

LOL! Okay. I'll be checking in here. This was too funny.

Tara Maya said...

This was hilarious!

*Note to self: have more mortal danger to "trick" male readers into reading books despite love scenes...* Hey. Maybe we all need to learn to stretch a little!

Laura said...

"Is this a kissing book?"

All of these stages are perfectly demonstrated by The Grandson in "The Princess Bride".

Adam Heine said...

@lotusgirl: Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for stopping by!

@Tara: I laughed out loud. Honestly, I think your "trick" would work!

@Laura: I didn't realize it before, but you're right! That's probably the fastest any guy has ever gone through all 5 stages (although it is fiction).

Emmet said...

There are girls in LOTR? No seriously, are there?
Was tempted to say, "That's why I like 'The Hobbit'."

Myrna Foster said...

I loved your last line.

So, how'd you miss the part where Eowyn and Merry took out the Lord of the Nazgul? Was it because she dressed like a guy?

Adam Heine said...

Emmet, the funny thing is I had no problem noticing them in the movies (hello, Liv Tyler).

Myrna, I noticed that part, but the part where she liked Aragorn, or where Faramir liked her? Yeah, totally over my head until a few years ago.

Tara Maya said...

Well, Tolkien hid a lot of the good scenes in the bonus material after Return of the King. Sneaky.

And Laura, you're totally right about the Grandson!

L. T. Host said...

I only have one word: priceless.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Hilarious! I love this!

Matthew Rush said...

OMG, this is the best post ever. All I can think of is Fred Savage in The Princess Bride.

Iliadfan said...

LOL, brilliant post! Definitely following you now. And I was rooting for Gale, too. :)