You are encouraged to share your comments as well. Every (real) critique will be entered to win a prize at the end of the month. This month's prizes are: $10 for Amazon/B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.
UPDATE: Just a reminder that a "real" critique does not have to be long (though long critiques are certainly useful and awesome). Mostly, all you have to do is say whether or not you'd want to read more and (the important part) why.
A huge thanks to Utsav Mukherjee for being brave enough to submit the first query. His superhero sci-fi sounds intriguing, so let's get right to it. My in-line comments are off to the right, with overall comments at the end. Line edits are in red. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it.
|Not bad, but I'm always wary of|
"logline" openings. I don't think
this one is necessary.
|This is a good start, but I feel like|
that first sentence could snap more.
Also, the highlighted terms raise
too many questions for me. Maybe
they can be cut or, at the least,
|This paragraph raises a couple minor|
world-building questions for me, but
mostly I love it. It has good movement
and great emotion.
|I think the highlighted part here is|
too vague. Vague secrets won't make
an agent want to read more. A
compelling choice will. Because
we don't know what the deception
is, we don't know what Jimmy's
real choice is.
|I'm not a fan of telling comparisons|
like this. I'd stick with the standard:
"available on request."
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I gotta say, Utsav, this sounds like a cool story that I'd totally read. I love that even with latent psionics, Jimmy just can't escape his ordinariness (though I hope he does by the end!).
The big issue for me is the choice at the end. You have one -- which is great! -- but it feels to me like a false choice. For one, I don't see why Jimmy can't do both. But also saving the people vs. personal gain seems like a no-brainer for a likable hero.
I suspect that knowing more about the nature of the deception will clarify how sadistic this choice really is. I don't think you need to give it all away, just enough that we know what Jimmy is choosing between and why it's so hard.
But that's just my opinion. What do the rest of you guys think?
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