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Last week, we had a YA paranormal query from Nicole Zoltack. This week, we're looking at the first page of that manuscript. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. Everything here is just my opinion. As always, your mileage may vary.
|I like this image.|
"Crystal! Why aren't you doing your homework?" Mom stands at the top of the stairs, her arms crossed, two trash bags dangling from her hands.
"I wanted to see—"
Mom hurries down the stairs. "Can you take these bags down to the living room for me?" She forces a smile.
She hands me the bags, then lifts the steps, closes up the attic and locks it before I can even get a glimpse inside it. Now I'm even more
|Not sure if this last line is supposed|
to be internal thought or what.
My temple tingles. Great. A headache. What else could go wrong today? I rub my eyes and sit down in front of the computer when Mom comes into the room.
"I'm sorry for snapping. You just caught me by surprise." Dust is sprinkled throughout Mom's dyed hair, covering her strawberry blonde strands with gray.
"What were you doing up there?"
"Just a little cleaning. There's so much crud up there it isn't funny. I don't know why I kept so many doubles of pictures… We're lucky the house hasn't caught on fire, but at least I'm making some progress."
"Do you want
"Oh, hon, you don't want to go in the attic." She shudders. "There are mice up there."
Ah, the mice.
This is a great opening, Nicole. It's got a clever voice and just enough tension to keep me reading.
I . . . can't think of anything bad to say. If the next few pages move as well as this starts, I think you've got the beginning of something good.
But who knows, maybe one of our more-intelligent-than-me readers can give you something to improve. Thoughts, guys?