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Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.
This week we have a query letter for a YA urban fantasy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
|A one-sentence logline? I'm wary :-)|
|Oh! You went right on with the plot|
instead of backing up. Great!
A lot of great voice here.
|Just some suggestions here. Reword|
them to taste and, you know, accuracy.
|The family issues here feel like|
first world problems to me. Focus on
|The query shows Zuza's character.|
You don't need to tell it.
This highlighted bit is exactly how
to write about yourself (if you're
going to do that).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
[address, email, blog address]
There is a lot of Great here. The voice and the story sound solid enough that you could probably get requests with this as is. But I bet we can make it better.
For me, the threads start to fray in the last plot paragraph ("It's just one more complication..."). Up to that point, I'm totally hooked by the character and conflict, and all I need is to know the stakes -- what she has to do and why it matters. But instead I get dumped back into family matters (which, to be honest, sound a little whiny to me considering she's got telekinesis and healing factor).
Introduce Raven for sure, but be more clear about the trouble Zuza's in. The bounty hunter paragraph makes it sound like it's an ongoing problem, rather than something new and deadly that she needs help with.
Where I really got interested again was how her powers were unstable. That's a great hook and I want to know more about it. What does she need to do before her time runs out? That's what I'm unclear on: her goal.
Those are my thoughts. What do the rest of you guys think?