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This week we have the first page of a black comedy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
As I stared at the two little blue lines, my grandpa’s words
from a few months before echoed in my head. Doped up and pregnant.
|I think adrenaline is produced in the|
brain. And it actually enhances your
The memory is a blur thanks to the massive dose of adrenaline my heart shot out when I asked to live with him while working at his competitor’s restaurant. I only remember snippets of conversation and images, like the half deer carcass over his shoulder.
No granddaughter of mine.
The cleaver, gleaming in the afternoon sun as he lifted it above his head.
Forty years I’ve run this resort. I know what goes on.
His grey eyes boring into me from over his half moon glasses.
You’ll end up doped up and pregnant, just like all those other poor innocent small town girls.
The cleaver again, this time coming down between ribs with a heavy thunk.
Looking at those blue lines,
I could feel adrenaline clouding my thoughts again. Two lines, I thought. Two beings, one body. Me and my baby. My fetus. My... embryo? Whatever. Two. One too many to prove my grandfather wrong.
|I'm having trouble parsing this|
I like the end line.
There's a lot of good stuff here. There's some nice voice and a so-far-compelling character. I like how you intertwined her grandfather's words with his actions in the flashback. This feels like a good start to me.
Be careful you don't over-explain why you're doing things. You don't need to explain that her memory is blurred and in snippets in order to introduce that particular flashback. Most of the time, you can just jump into it. Keep things tight and snappy.
And I know the adrenaline thing is really nitpicky, but that's the kind of thing that can either gain or lose the reader's trust. You have to have the reader's trust, and it starts with the small details. You don't have to research every little thing (I mean, I do, but I'm slow and obsessive), but do get good critique partners who can catch this kind of thing. It's one thing we nerds are good at :-)
How do the rest of you feel about this opening?