Form Rejections

In honor of the Rejectionist's blog birthday, I give you a top 10 list of what form rejections REALLY mean:

#10
"If it makes you feel any better, getting this rejection means you're not on my blacklist. Yet."

#9
"My cat threw up on my keyboard, but I still have to answer these stupid queries."

#8
"No."

#7
"Your query did not give my computer a virus. Good work."

#6
"Congratulations. You successfully bypassed my spam filter."

#5
"On the bright side, that query service you hired sent it to at least one real agent."

#4
"I can only request 1 partial per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either."

#3
"I'm only rejecting you now because the queries never stop. They just keep coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. They're relentless. Every day they pile up more and more and more! And you gotta get them out, but the more you get them out the more they keep coming in. And then your computer freezes and it's the last day of NaNoWriMo!"

#2
"No!"

And the number one thing form rejections really mean...

#1
"This rejection means the same as if I said nothing. Except if I actually said nothing, you'd pester me with e-mails or (God forbid) phone calls asking why I haven't said SOMETHING. Even though you give your resume to hundreds of human resource departments without wondering if they received it. Even though you give your phone number to God-knows-how-many potential girl/boyfriends, yet never track them down to see if maybe they lost it. For whatever reason, those expectations do not apply to me.

"So consider this your non-interview. Your fake number. I am turning you down in the nicest way I have available to me. Please, please, PLEASE don't e-mail again asking why."


Happy birthday, Le R! Thank you for brightening our depressing, rejection-filled existences.

14 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

Great list! Are you going to add your link now?

Adam Heine said...

Just did :-)

fairyhedgehog said...

Cool!

Sarah W said...

Nice!

Number one is why form rejections are still better than silence. . .

Anonymous said...

This makes perfect sense. I should never find myself bewildered by a rejection letter ever again!

J. A. Platt said...

I was hoping it was a prize for following all the bizarre submission instructions. If you send a one page query, a two and three quarters page synopsis in Sanskrit and your first three chapters in courier triple spaced you get a written rejection!

Ellen said...

"Even though you give your resume to hundreds of human resource departments without wondering if they received it."
But I do! I hates it when people don't reply! Sss... >.> hehe, good list though :)

Lucy Woodhull said...

I consider getting by the spam filter a major accomplishment in my day. Of course, I also feel proud for successfully navigating stairs.

Sarah Enni said...

#1 is PERFECT. Silence kills, form rejections are at least cordial.

The Rejectionist said...

Also: "Jesus, is it lunchtime yet."

Elaine AM Smith said...

Form rejection is the eye-contact that acknowledges your existence, while passing on the other side of the street.

aspiring_x said...

awesome list adam!

maine character said...

I'd actually enjoy getting a form rejection like that.

Hello Thailand!

Myrna Foster said...

Number seven made me laugh.