Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!
A big thank you to Ranee for submitting the query for her YA fantasy, BLOOM.
Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.
|This part doesn't come across like|
you'd think it would. Cut it.
In BLOOM, a Young Adult fantasy novel complete at 86,000 words, the comfortably sweet yet still sassy voice of Finna Claremont will captivate readers.
|Not sure why the italics. Otherwise,|
this is a decent start.
|This is a big paragraph. Can it be|
I'm in for this whole thing until the
last two sentences. It gets vague, and
I don't see a compelling choice like
I want to.
|Brief and to the point. Good.|
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Ranee` S. Clark
ANWA PM Writers President
This is a solid start. The story sounds cool, the character and conflict are clear, and you've got a strong, fun voice.
Which brings me to point #1: Don't tell us what the voice is. Show us. Don't say it will captivate readers. Captivate us.
I think you did a great job of showing the voice in the rest of the query, but it's funny how saying what the voice is has the opposite effect intended. Like if a guy asks you out and says, "I promise I'm not a creepy stalker who'll research your personal history on Facebook."
He might be telling the truth, but it feels weird.
Point #2: a compelling choice. I know I harp on this, but that's because it works. "Do or die" is not really a choice. We all know she's going to try, else there wouldn't be a story. What makes her situation impossible? What makes us think we have no idea what we would do in her shoes?
But all in all, this feels like a great start to me. What do the rest of you guys think? What would you change?