And I will still take First Impact submissions as they come in. So if you want a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.
Huge thanks to J.J. DeBenedictis for submitting the query for her novel, ROGUE PRINCESS. If you don't already know, J.J. runs her own excellent query critiquing/rewriting blog. You may recall she helped make my own query successful. I'm more than happy to return the favor!
Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.
|I don't imagine necromancers with|
mustaches so much, but otherwise
I love this opening.
|The 2nd half of this sentence feels|
cliche and vague to me.
|I'm unsure of the meaning of the |
highlighted bit here.
|I'm not sure "bigotry" is the right|
term here. It makes me hate the
princess more than I think is
|"The walls between worlds" feels|
repetitive to me here.
ROGUE PRINCESS is a 77,000-word fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoy the dark humor and relentless action of Joe Abercrombie's novels or Richard Morgan's A LAND FIT FOR HEROES series. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This sounds like fun! I think the voice and Wynne's character comes through really well, and the plot sounds intriguing. I do want a more sadistic choice to leave me wanting more (I always do, don't I?), but I think this does a good job getting the story across. I think most agents would immediately be able to tell if this was the kind of story they were into.
One thing you do want to be careful of is wordiness. You can see I trimmed a lot, and I bet you could trim even more. There's plenty of great voice and word choice here that you can stand to streamline it without losing any of it (though even I'm rethinking cutting the word "shimmies" -- it's a great image).
What do the rest of you guys think? Would you read this?