Logline Revision Critiques #15

TITLE: FORCED TO FLY
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Lori Gibbs can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten. If Lori fails, she'll hang.

12 comments:

Patchi said...

I like this a lot better than the original one. I think the stakes are clear now.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I like this. The stakes and conflict are clear. It comes off as a bit MG, to me, though, but i think that just may have to do with the Talent show bit (the last sentence definitely comes off older). It could just be me, though.
Good luck!

GSMarlene said...

Oh yes, much better! Very clear stakes and motivation for her parents.

I think I agree that it sounds more MG. Maybe because Lori feels like a pawn, we don't see her agreement or disagreement with the situation? A kid might go along with whatever, a teenager is going to be looking to escape, overthrow the government. Just a thought and I might be wrong. I've struggled with the same thing with my logline/query sounding MG and I have zero clue why.

Bill Scott said...

Nicely done. I wouldn't have got middle grade form this. If others do, you might consider Sixteen-year-old Lori or Gifted teenager Lori. As is, it works for me.

DJ said...

I agree, I think "Sixteen-year-old Lori has a rare gift, the ability to fly, so her..." sounds better.

Another book I need to read!

K Callard said...

I agree with the others. This has come a long way and it's sounding great. I do like DJ's suggestion of putting in the age, just to ensure that everyone gets it's YA.

Great job!

A Little Push said...

My only concern is that your MC comes off very passive in the logline. What does she want? Does she want to impress the judges, or fly away from it all and be true to herself? Good luck!

KayC said...

This is so much better, well done. I would suggest leaving out 'of Easten' after 'the ruling Council' as it reads a little awkwardly to me.

The only thing I stumbled over is why will she hang if she fails? I know you need to include motivation, but this seems a little extreme.

Jessica Hutchison said...

I like this rewrite and agree with the comments above. Maybe something like:

Sixteen-year-old Lori can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register in Easten's talent show (not sure why you have it capitalized). If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling council and she can finally be free of their oppression (or something like this - something Lori wants). If she fails, she'll hang.

Fiction Writer said...

Don't think you need to tell us flying is a rare gift; that's a given. I know I can't.

Agree with others, what is her stand on being shoved around by her parents and how does she play it out in the talent show. Why will she be free of her parents' oppression if she impresses the judges? Make this clearer.

Wendy said...

I like your revision, but agree that you could add her age to signal the YA level up front. And I also wondered why she would hang if she didn't fly. Since most people can't, why would she hang? Does everyone who enters the talent show hang if they fail, or is this something particular to her situation? Maybe just add a few words to clarify:
If she fails, she'll hang for _____.

Princess Sara said...

I think your logline is fine. The only things I'd cut would be "a rare gift" and "of Easten" ("the ruling Council" is fine on its own). Good job!