Logline Revision Critiques #11

TITLE: Havoc's Knot
GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy
Logline: Jake had no idea a trip to the local museum would transform him from wallflower to warrior. When he accidentally takes the place of another boy, he also takes on a prophecy not intended for him. Now he must defeat the wolf king if he ever wants to see home again, or keep the people he loves alive.

10 comments:

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I like the voice better in this version, especially the first sentence. There are still a few missing details to make it more understandable though. When he takes the boy's place, is he transported to a different world or something?

Sarah Ahiers said...

This is close, i think. I feel it just needs more specific details. Like, how does he change places with another boy? And who is this boy? And what's this prophecy? I think if you can focus on some of those details, the logline will be stronger for it

GSMarlene said...

I agree, I'd like more detail on how he takes the other boy's place - borrows his jacket?
It does sound more MG than YA and we probably do need to know if he is transported to another world (expected from the Epic Fantasy label).

Patchi said...

I like this version better, but I think you should change "accidentally takes the place of another boy" with something more specific.

Lyla said...

I really like this, overall, especially the "wallflower to warrior" bit. The sentence about taking on the prophecy is a little clumsy, though, and the wolf king seems to come out of nowhere. But other than that, you're onto something with this.

DJ said...

So close! Okay, let me think...

"When Jake bumps into a museum display and triggers an ancient spell, he is transformed into the body of another boy. Now this former wallflower must become a warrior to fulfill the other boy's prophecy, or Jake will never see his family alive again."

Okay, so I'm channeling some "Shaggy Dog" here, but I don't know the details. And I don't care for my ending- I think it could be better. Anyway, take it away and keep at it!

K Callard said...

I like this better than the original. I really like your voice, but I agree that you could use some more specifics. Like the others said, how does he "accidentally change places?" I'm fine with the prophecy being vague, but I was confused by the last line "ever wants to see home again" - I assume he's in another world - but "or keep the people he loves alive" - are these people his family at home? (if so why are they in danger?) or are they new people he's come to love in the new world?

I think you're really close on this one. Good luck.

Wendy said...

I wasn't sure what you mean by "taking the place" of another boy. Did he switch lives? Just take someone's place in line and get a prophecy? Does it matter?
Maybe try something like:
When __ year-old Jake visits the local museum he becomes the accidental recipient of an ancient prophecy (fortelling X) and is transformed from wallflower to warrior and transported to Y.

I added the bit about transported to Y because in the second sentence, I wasn't sure if he was trapped in the museum, or in some alternate world.
Good luck with this!

Princess Sara said...

I agree that your second sentence is confusing, and that you need to make a nod to the fact that the museum sent Jake to another world. Perhaps:

"*whatever age* wallflower Jake had no idea a trip to the local museum would transport him to another world, let alone a world that mistakes him for a hero of legend. Unless he can exchange his pencils for something pointier and defeat the wolf king, he'll never see home again--and the people he loves may die with him."

Rachel said...

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! Narrowing it down again to be more specific on this next revision!