Logline Revision Critiques #10

— October 12, 2012 (7 comments)
TITLE: Unwritten
GENRE: Contemporary Romance

Singer/songwriter Katherine Hayes has worked hard to achieve superstar status, and to guard a tragic secret from her past. When her estranged mother launches a smear campaign that threatens everything, Kate finds unlikely refuge with college professor Josh Randall, a man who sees through her defenses but is unwilling to take chances with his own heart. Now, Kate must overcome her traumatic past to repair her reputation and fight for her chance at love.

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  1. I like this is a lot! It seems very solid to me. The only thing i wondered about was how a college professor ends up friends/in a relationship with a superstar singer, but i'm assuming that's explained in the book.

  2. This is pretty good. I think the only suggestion I'd have is change "and to guard" to "while guarding". To streamline, you could probably cut "but is unwilling to take chances with his own heart" since it isn't totally relevant to the logline.

  3. Much better than the previous one. I would suggest: "secret [about] her past."

  4. I think this logline has all the main parts of a logline but is a bit long. Just to give you an idea of a short version, I will try to write one for you - hope it helps :)

    When a professional singer's reputation is smeared by secrets her mother dredges up from the past, she finds refuge with a college professor with a guarded heart. Now she must battle to repair her reputation and fight for her chance at love before everything she loves is lost.

    or something like that ...

  5. I really like this premise, it kind of has a The Bodyguard feel to it, which is a movie I adore. The logline is very effective, but I know it's too long and I'm sure you do too. Cutting it will be hard because this is written so well, it flows nicely, and it's understandable on the first read. But still, it may be smart to cut it about 10 to 15 words; *cringe,* simply because the length may scare folks away.

    Good luck!

  6. I love Jessica's rewrite. I think it captures everything in your longer version!
    I really can't do better.

  7. I love Jessica's rewrite, but I'd include Katherine's name and make the stakes more specific. "Fighting for a chance at love" is extremely generic.