Logline Revision Critiques #6

TITLE: Elemental Fire
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

Revised logline:
Grieving fourteen-year-old Brook discovers a gate to another world and inadvertently carries the gate key to the hub world of Tirasvara. Merrick, a stranded madman, seeks the key to control travel between Tirasvara and parallel Earths. Merrick’s plans would destroy all existing gates. If Brook doesn’t return it to her own world, while fighting the temptation use the key to flee to a world where her mother still lives, she’ll cause the same destruction.

Alternate format:
When fourteen-year-old Brook follows her physicist father though a gate to the world of Tirasvara, she discovers a plot to alter the physical laws governing travel between parallel worlds. If she can’t stop a madman determined to control access to all worlds, physical disasters will reverberate through her world and destroy her gateway home.

10 comments:

Sarah Ahiers said...

okay, well if we're looking at both of these, i prefer the bottom one. It's more succinct and cleaner than the first one, which seems to drag on a bit too much.

I would watch some of your word choices. You use "world" 4 times and phycial twice. But outside of this, it sounds exciting and i'd keep reading

Patchi said...

I prefer the alternate. The first sentence is perfect, but I think the second one could be improved. How about:

When fourteen-year-old Brook follows her physicist father though a gate to the world of Tirasvara, she discovers a plot to alter the physical laws governing travel between parallel worlds. Brook must protect the gate key she carries from a madman determined to control access to all worlds, while fighting the temptation to use the key to find her mother.

xC0000005 said...

Vote for second one, if it's vote, but it could be more succinct.

When fourteen-year-old Brook follows her father though a gate to the world of Tirasvara, she discovers a plot to alter the laws governing travel between parallel worlds. If she can’t stop a madman determined to control access to all worlds, disasters will reverberate through her world.

Why would I suggest eliminating these? Well, does it matter that her father is a physicist? This is a logline, intended to make people want to read more. Unless you are going to have a lot of physicists reading it, that word won't hook many additional readers. Same deal for the "physical." The last bit, however, I suggest changing because if disasters tear up her home world, AND she could go to another one, does it matter that she can't go home?

A Little Push said...

The first one has way too much going on. I like the alternate version much better!

K Callard said...

Definitely the second one. I like xC0000005's suggestion. Will the physical disaters only go through Earth or through all the worlds? If it's all of them then I think you could say "the worlds" (instead of "her world") and keep "destroy her gateway home." Keep going, you're just about there.

KayC said...

This has a lot of confusing descriptions and 'big' words for an MG fantasy. Sorry, but I wouldn't pick this up for my kids to read if this was on the back cover of the book.

I'd simplify this a lot, and try and inject a little bit of voice to show the agents that your target audience really is MG. Do away with the grieving, and the physical laws governing travel, the parallel worlds. Physical disasters will reverberate through her world - tells me nothing!

Cut to the important issues - Brook accidentally follows her dead father (I'm assuming he is dead because she is grieving?)through the gateway to his next life. She has to somehow stop a madman who plans to destroy the gateways between worlds - and Brook's way home.

Not sure that the father is dead, but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to get across.

Good luck

Princess Sara said...

The alternate is better, but it could still use tightening. Perhaps something along these lines: "After fourteen-year-old Brook discovers a gate to another world, she must stop a madman from destroying the gate and stranding her there forever."

Rissa Snepp said...

I prefer the bottom one as well. It gets down to the nitty gritty without the unnecessary filler in the first one. Interesting premise, good luck! ;-)

Wendy said...

I prefer the second one, and esp. xc000005's revision of it. I agree that knowing the pull for your MC between seeing mom and saving the rest of humanity really ups the stakes and I like the way xc included both.

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

I like the second version and think that xC0000005's suggestions strengthen your logline, but even in that version, I'd like to know what kind of disasters are going to reverberate through her world, so I'd include the piece about destroying her gateway home.