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The random numbers have favored critiquer Melodie Wright for February's prize. Congratulations, Melodie! And the rest of you remember: anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.
This week we have the query for a YA dystopian from Joan He. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
|I think the phrase is "the sky is the|
limit," but also it's a bit cliche. You
can do better.
|Why is Peers capitalized?|
At the moment, I think her life is
more important than these things :-)
|My confusion in the 2nd paragraph|
is making this one impossible to
INGENICIDE is a YA dystopian/adventure novel complete at 58,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
First of all, I love dystopian novels, and this sounds like it has some cool stuff in it.
Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time figuring out what that cool stuff is. Who are the Peers? Who are the Ingenium? Which one is Sibyl? And why are they designing rooms? That part, in particular, sounds potentially cool, but I can't tell because I don't understand it.
Now understand, the way to fix this is not necessarily to add the information into the existing query. Very often that leads to a bloated query that just raises new questions. Look for things you can cut so that you don't even raise the questions to begin with. For example, do we really need to know about Peers and Ingenium? Maybe you can just say "Sibyl's people," and use the space you save to explain the rooms. Which way you go is up to you and what you want to convey in the query. Just remember, it's okay to skip stuff; the goal is to make the agent want to read more.
What do the rest of you guys think?