TORMENT KICKSTARTER IS LIVE!

UPDATE: Holy crap, you guys! We funded in just SIX HOURS! Keep going! Maybe we really can make this game as big as we want it.

We have 30 days to raise almost a million dollars as big of a budget as we can, so go pledge now! GO! GO! GO!

Wait. What is this? Where are we?
You may recall I'm a designer/writer for a computer game called Torment: Tides of Numenera, which is a successor to a game I helped make 14 years ago called Planescape: Torment. The new Torment will only happen become awesomer if we reach our funding goal on Kickstarter. Hence the noise.


Planescape what now?
Planescape: Torment. A computer role-playing game from 1999 that won a lot of awards and became the standard for deep characterization and storytelling in PC games (a standard which many feel has not been met since). It didn't sell very well at the time, but it has gained a lot of fans since then.


Why should I give you money?
Well, first, you're not giving money to me. But if Torment reaches its goal, it means I'll have a job (the extent of which depends on how much Torment exceeds its goal).

You should give money to the Kickstarter if:

• You are a fan of Planescape: Torment, or have even ever heard of it.
• You are a fan of RPGs with deep, emotional stories.
• You like what you see in our pitch video or on the Kickstarter page.
• You like my writing and want to see more of it (I should add here that one of the rewards includes a novella from me).
• You like me and want to help me have something approximating job security.

Whether you pledge or not, please spread the word!


Actually I don't know what pledging is. Or Kickstarter.
I probably should've asked this first...
Kickstarter is a funding platform for any kind of creative project. You pledge money to projects that you want to see happen, because most of them won't happen without your help. If the project doesn't meet its goal, then they don't take your money (which is why we say "pledge" instead of "pay" or "donate").

Learn more about Kickstarter here, and read here for how it's been used in the recent past.


So, is this all you're going to talk about for the next 30 days?
Don't worry. I'll leave a short sticky post at the top of this blog throughout the campaign so you can watch our progress. Then, with the exception of a couple of posts here and there (which you'll be interested in, trust me), I'll return to our regular schedule of First Impact critiques, drawings, and what not.

But seriously, you should go pledge right now.

8 Things That Are True

1. There is only one flavor of Pop Tart.

2. Firefly is still on the air. Wash is fine.

3. No one's ever made a live-action version of Avatar. Also I am an Earth Bender.

4. Bacon is good for me.

5. Eventually, my logical, well-supported arguments will convince people I am right.

6. There are only three Star Wars movies, but they might be making a fourth (WE'LL SEE, ABRAMS).

7. Rivendell is real. It looks exactly like this. It's in New Zealand, and I will visit Elrond there someday.

8. All comments that deny these truths will be deleted.

What else is true?

First Impact: SHADOWCATCHERS by Kimberly Callard

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the query for an upper-MG fantasy from Kimberly Callard. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query Letter

At only 14 years old Zane Blackthorne is the youngest Shadowcatcher on the force. He's also the best. He has to be. The ridiculous amount of gold he earns hunting down tax evaders is the only thing keeping him from ending up back in the slums where he was raised. And he'd rather eat a Narcow than end up back there.

Zane thinks he's hit the jackpot when the Empress commissions him to collect the shadow of a political opponent. Sure, she threatens to sic bounty hunters on him if he fails, but that doesn't scare Zane. He's too good to fail. At least, he is until a rat-faced urchin named Meescha gets in his way.

=D

A victim of the Shadowcatchers herself, Meescha shows Zane what happens to those who can't afford to buy their shadows back. Most become husks of their former selves, withering away with agonizing slowness; the rest die instantly, their lives snuffed out like street lamps at dawn. Haunted by the faces of the suffering shadowless, Zane must make a choice: continue living in luxury as the Empress's enforcer or quit do the right thing and spend what's left of his life hiding in the slums with a target on his back.

I believe agents assume it's a
multiple submission.

SHADOWCATCHERS is a 48,000-word Upper MG fantasy told from two viewpoints: Zane's and Meescha's. I am submitting it to you because (insert personalization here). Please note it is a multiple submission.

I am an associate member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Adam's Thoughts
There is a LOT of good here. Stakes and voice in the intro. Inciting incident in the 2nd paragraph. Sadistic choice in the 3rd. It's almost as if you've been reading my comments to the others, Kimberly.

The only comment I have is a nitpick about the choice. It's sadistic all right, but I kind of know what he's going to pick, and I'm curious about where the story goes after that. He doesn't hide in the slums, so what does he do? What's his new goal?

All that to say I feel like there's more story here. Honestly, this is probably good enough to garner requests, but if you wanted to improve it, that's the direction I'd go (but not too far in that direction, lest the query get too long, aye?).

What do the rest of you think?

Chicken Little Gets Some Real Help

Cross-posted from Anthdrawlogy's Chicken Little week.

What I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

I hate having only First Impact posts go up, but I am trying to make money at this writing thing, so. Anyway, here are some of the things I've been doing in the last few weeks instead of blogging.

ON TORMENT...
Designing an alignment system. Basically codifying all of human experience and emotion into little boxes so we can tell the player things like, "You're Lawful Good." (Note: We're not using Lawful Good.) FUN LEVEL: High.

Thinking about what makes RPG combat interesting. There is quite a lot of debate in the hardcore CRPG world about whether combat should be turn-based or not. Part of my job has been to think about this a lot. FUN LEVEL: Medium (only because I'd rather get into specifics, but I can't yet).

Writing design docs. Fact: if we don't document it, it gets forgotten. FUN LEVEL: Tedious (but like our producer told me and Colin the other day, we don't get to do the fun stuff until we actually have money to do it).

(Anyway, tedious is a relative term. The most boring game design task is way cooler than anything I did for my Office Space job. I just want to think up cool stuff all day and have someone else write it down for me, is all.)

Writing Kickstarter copy. You'd be surprised how much work goes into a major crowd-funding campaign. I mean, look at a typical big-budget Kickstarter. Someone has to write all that stuff. FUN LEVEL: Tedious.

Planning Kickstarter videos. FUN LEVEL: High (until they start talking about my video update, then Abject Terror).

Iterating. I get an e-mail asking what I think of a design doc. I critique said design doc. What do I think of the latest concept art? Review and reply with my thoughts. Music? Videos? Someone's possible response to a forum question? Review and respond. Oh, and also respond to all the critiques of my stuff. FUN LEVEL: Surprisingly High.


OTHER THINGS I'M DOING...
Waiting on Air Pirates. Submissions, man. FUN LEVEL: Zero.

Revising Post-Apoc Ninjas. FUN LEVEL: Really slow.

Playing chess online. Our producer, Kevin, saw this drawing and said he might challenge me sometime. I can't let him win. FUN LEVEL: High.

Playing games with the kids. We raise gamers. I can't imagine why. FUN LEVEL: High until their attention spans wear out (so about five minutes).

Fending off tiny tyrants. This one, in particular. She gets mad at me when I work. Or cook. Or read. Or do anything except give her 110% of my attention. FUN LEVEL: I don't like it when she screams at me.

Driving. Yeah. I'm basically a soccer dad. FUN LEVEL: Usually High (this is where I come up with ideas).


So... what are you all up to?

First Impact: WANDERERS by KayC

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the first page of a YA fantasy from KayC. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page

It wasn’t a white feathery cloud, the sort that danced around in the sunlight on a spring afternoon. It was flat, and dark, and moved with intent.

This is a little too much description
for me. It slows things down. I wanna
know what the cloud is.

Rhanee stood on top of a bare knoll as the mist sank towards her. In the distance, a crimson moon followed its smaller white counterpart over the rim of a mountain range. Behind her the sun sank toward the horizon.

What does the image of her grand-
mother have to do with the creepy
cloud that's trying to grab her?

The leading edge of the cloud reared up and wispy tentacles slithered towards her. She swallowed as an image of her grandmother, lying in the hospital bed with staring, blank eyes, flitted through her mind. Her legs began to tremble. It was too late to change her mind, too late to run.

What barrier?

She clutched her arms to her chest and scrunched her face in concentration. The air around her shimmered and a translucent bubble appeared. Her arms dropped to her sides as the mist crept around the glassy surface of the barrier.

I really want to know what she's
talking about.

She chewed on her lip and sighed. But I’ve got to do it now, before I really lose my nerve. She clenched both hands until her fingernails dug into her palm. Be brave. The adults are too afraid, but I’m not! She clamped her teeth and released the barrier. Sweat broke out along her forehead as the cloud closed in and began to wrap around her. Wave after wave of despair washed over her.

Be brave. She sucked in a lung full of air and lifted her chin. “What are you? Where did you come from?”

No answer.

The swirling mantle thickened. Icy shards of grief and longing stabbed at her, burrowing like frenzied worms. Rhanee swiped at a tear as she dropped to one knee. I didn’t think it would be this bad.

Adam's Thoughts
Writing? Solid. Voice? Great. I've got nothing to say about these things.

My problem here is I don't know what's going on. Normally that wouldn't be so bad, but the problem is that the narrator does know what's going on, and I feel like she's not telling me. She knows what she's there to do. She knows about the barrier (that I guess she made?). She knows what the cloud is, or at least thinks she does.

And because I don't know, I'm not in there with her. I don't feel her fear, because I don't understand why she's afraid, or what she thinks the cloud is going to do to her. I don't know her goal or the stakes or anything.

So my suggestion is don't be afraid to explain things. You don't have to explain them in paragraph one, but by two or three, I want to know what Rhanee thinks the cloud is, what her understanding of it is. Not all of it, but enough so I can follow the rest with her.

What do the rest of you guys think?

First Impact: DRUID'S MOON by Deniz Bevan

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

BUT BEFORE WE GET THERE, I neglected to announce a winner for January. That winner is . . . . . . . . . K Callard! E-mail me at adamheine@gmail.com, and let me know if you'd like the gift card or the critique.

The rest of you remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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This week we have the first page of a paranormal romance from Deniz Bevan. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page
“’The Curse of the Octopus,’” Lyne read out loud, translating the runes as she went. The vellum crackled in her hands, even inside its plastic covering.

“Octopus? Are you certain of that?” Professor Ronald peered over her shoulder. His brows rose as he read, lips moving. “There seems to be a mark here,” he muttered, and tilted the sheet towards the light coming from the entrance to the cave.

The rest of the team was outside, tiny figures in the distance, kneeling on grass and mud. Lyne had been continuing her excavations near the well at the far end of the site, when she’d uncovered the crumbling parchment. She’d raced back to the cave to tell Professor Ronald and gather up the protective covering and other tools. Once the Professor was satisfied there were no other sheets, and not even so much as a lead case to hold the lone parchment, she’d followed him to the cave, eager to be there as he speculated on the meaning of the inscription.

She worked out the next two lines under his pointing finger. “Beast brought forth by man’s blood / the mound-keeper repays the sacrifice, but shall sense the wind.”

If she didn't speak them aloud, maybe
they should be in italics.

She hadn’t spoken them aloud, but a thrill went through her at the words. There was violence inherent in their tone, even if she had no idea what they meant.


Adam's Thoughts
The language geek in me is loving this.

Honestly, this whole opening sounds really good to me. The writing is solid. The mystery draws me in immediately. And the last lines she translates hint of an exciting story to come.

If I had to nitpick on something (and I do, cuz why else are you here?), I'm wondering how a single, crumbling parchment survived after having been buried for (presumably) so long. Maybe this is something unusual that you deal with later (you did call out the fact that wasn't so much as a lead case, for example), but it made me wonder.

Also, if the vellum is crackling in her hands, doesn't that mean the "crumbling" parchment is crumbling even further? It makes me wonder about their archaeological practices at this particular dig -- not that I'm an expert or anything.

What do the rest of you think?

First Impact: THE LEGACY OF THE EYE (first page) by Patricia Moussatche

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the first page of a sci-fi novel from Patricia Moussatche. Some of you may remember critiquing the query for this one. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

UPDATE: Patricia has a revised version of the first paragraph in the comments.

First Page
Chapter 1--Proposal

Catrine blinked as her eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the school building. She should have worn a hat. She glanced at David, who had closed the heavy wood door behind them. Her best friend’s smile was as bright as the afternoon light. This was the first time either of them had left the school since their enrollment at the age of two. They were both eighteen now, but David looked ready to conquer the galaxy.

“Maybe we should go over your speech one more time,” she said.

His smile dimmed. “We went over it five times on the way here.”

“Four. And you’re still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to the pupil’s home planet. That’s the whole point of the proposal.”

“Do you want to give the speech?”

Her inside twisted in knots. “No.”

"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn’t liked our idea, they wouldn’t have requested an audience.”

“They probably read the proposal once. You’ve read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it.”

David's smile returned. “Then it wouldn’t have been perfect.”

Or written at all, she thought.


Adam's Thoughts
I've actually read an earlier version of this (Patricia was one of the lucky winners of the 20-page critique). So keep in mind that I have more of the backstory in my head than a new reader might.

I really like the banter between them. It feels natural, shows off the characters (especially Catrine), gives useful information without being obvious about it, and it even makes me smile in a couple of places.

I'm less certain about the opening paragraph. It feels slower and less interesting to me. I don't think it should be cut necessarily, because it grounds us, but it didn't shine for me like the dialog did.

What do the rest of you guys think?

Torment Concept Art

Hey, if you're interested in that game I'm working on, we've got some concept art up.

This first shot is a work-in-progress picture of The Bloom, a literally living city, with tendrils creeping through other dimensions. The concept artist who did this is one of my (new) favorite artists ever. His name's Chang Yuan, and you can see more of his work here.

This next shot is one of the weapons in the game. Our setting is kind of a Dying Earth setting, where the highly advanced technology of the past becomes the scavenged weapons and magic of the future. Some of you might know this is exactly the kind of setting I love to work in.

So listen, I'm not gonna post every single tidbit of the game here. If you want to follow news about it, you might try liking the game's Facebook page, or else following my Twitter feed or Brian Fargo's (being the leader of inXile, whose Torment-related tweets I pass on).

I will for sure let you know when the Kickstarter goes off, so don't worry about that. Otherwise, I'll try to stick to writerly posts in general. Today, though, I just wanted to share with you the pretty.

Kickstarter, Self-Publishing, and Video Games

You've all heard of the literary self-publishing revolution. (Heck, some of you are on the barricades). What you might not know is there is a similar revolution going on in video and board games. It has to do with Kickstarter.

Kickstarter is a funding platform for creative projects. Anyone with an idea for a book, a movie, a game, a technology, or whatever can launch a project page and see if people are interested in funding their project. Authors have used it to self-publish: to fund cover artists and editors, and to see if there's a market for what they want to write before they write it.

We all know why authors self-publish: because breaking into the Big 6 is freaking hard, especially if you write for what is essentially a niche audience. Turns out the same thing is true in games.

Video games, in particular, have their own Big Publishers -- companies with the connections and resources to develop triple-A titles for the major gaming consoles. I don't even know how an independent developer would sign on with them. You'd probably have to prove you have a significant platform first, or else develop a Halo clone or something else they know will work. (Sound familiar?).

But not everybody wants to make Halo.* A number of developers have been using Kickstarter to pitch the games they always loved, and to see if enough people feel the same. You may have even heard of some of the biggest ones:

* Nothing against Halo, of course. There are some very talented folks making those games.

Double Fine Adventure was a Kickstarter campaign by developer Tim Schafer, maker of some of my favorite games of all time: the Monkey Island games, Grim Fandango, and Day of the Tentacle. Last March he asked for $400,000 to make a new adventure game -- something big publishers haven't wanted for decades. He got $3.3 million and kickstarted a revolution (see what I did there?).

A month later, inXile entertainment (starring my former and current boss) pitched a sequel to a very old post-apocalyptic RPG. Wasteland 2 got running with nearly $3,000,000.

Project: Eternity is the brain child of Obsidian Entertainment, home of most of my former coworkers. They asked if people wanted to see a spiritual successor to the old Infinity Engine games like Baldur's Gate, Icewind Dale, and Planescape: Torment. Seventy-four thousand people said, "YES!"

Why am I telling you this? Well, partially because it's fascinating to me. Anything that makes it easier to fund, create, and distribute creativity is awesome, in my opinion.

But also to show that independent publishing is not strictly a book thing. In the last year, there have been seven million-dollar video game projects on Kickstarter, dozens of smaller ones, and who knows how many hundreds of similar board games, RPGs, and other things.

And just like in the book world, I think the way to look at self-publishing is not as a challenge to publishers, but more like filling holes that publishers leave unfilled. Three million dollars sounds like a lot, but when triple-A budgets regularly hit 30 or 40 million, you can understand why EA and Microsoft might not be interested in a niche RPG.

In the same way, ten thousand book sales might not interest a publisher used to selling books in the hundreds of thousands, but to the self-published author, those ten thousand sales are game changing.

Whatever. I just like where the future is going. I'm excited to see what happens next.

What about you? Have you ever backed (or launched!) a Kickstarter? What do you think about the platform.

First Impact: CHRYSALIS by Melissa Grebeleski

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me. I will draw a winner for January in just a few days, so get commenting.

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This week we have a query for a YA fantasy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

UPDATE (1/31, 9 AM): Melissa has posted a revised version of her query in the comments. Take a look and let her know what you think.

Query

How can an archangel be seventeen?

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel, an archangel with amnesia, unknowingly possesses the healing power for all mankind. While trying to remember her past, Ivy must guard her heart and soul against the enemies standing in her way.

I'd move this to the top or the bottom
of the query.

I am searching for representation for my completed 107,074-word 107,000-word young adult novel, titled Chrysalis. The book is about a girl discovering the incredible truth about her destiny. The story entwines love, loyalty, betrayal and sacrifice.

Long paragraph. Maybe split it up.

At first I thought this meant that
archangels have parents.

If she wasn't returned, does that
Lucifer's rebellion is over?

Lucian feels like he comes out of the
blue to me. And his secrets are too
vague for me to follow.

Fairy tales and folklore. T, that’s what it sounds like to Ivy. Who would ever believe that she’s an archangel with amnesia, let alone the sole guardian of God’s power to heal everything for all mankind? One person does—her parents’ new tenant, handsome and arrogant William. He tells Ivy the strangest story about an angel being hidden on Earth in the form of a baby, a child forced by her spiritual parents to remain human until the rebellion of Lucifer ended, making it safe for her to come home. But something went terribly wrong. Ivy was never returned to heaven and now that she’s all grown up she finds herself the target of every demonic being. After two attempts on her life, Ivy realizes there might be more to William’s story and that truth can be far stranger than fiction. Her new boyfriend, Lucian, is charming and sophisticated. But there’s something about him she can’t quite figure out. As she slowly regains her spiritual abilities, Ivy finds herself caught between love and loyalty. William and Lucian hold the secrets of her past and the outcome of her future. One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both and save the world?

Chrysalis is my first novel. I’m a stay at home mother and have been writing privately for friends and family for many years.

It's up to you whether you want to
write a sequel for a story that hasn't
sold, but as far as the query goes,
just say it has series potential.

Although Chrysalis stands alone as a novel, I have started on its sequel ideas for a sequel. I look forward to the opportunity to send you a few chapters, or the entire manuscript, of Chrysalis at your request. The finished manuscript is available on request. Please feel free to contact me using the email address. Please know that I have submitted queries to other agencies. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Adam's Thoughts
I think there's an intriguing story here (if you're not sick of angel stories, which I'm not; but I've heard agents tire of it in the past so watch out). But I think it gets lost behind what looks to me like an amateur query (sorry).

Lots of these problems are structural and easily fixed. For example:

• The logline paragraph that repeats information stated later in the query. I've talked about this before.
• Citing word count down to the exact word (generally round to the neareast thousand).
• Telling what the story's about instead of letting the query show it (e.g. "[It's] about a girl discovering the incredible truth," etc).
• Big Block of Text.
• Superfluous information in the conclusion paragraph (mostly stuff that agents assume is true).

Fix all of that, and this will already look a lot better. Now let's talk about the meat of the query.

I like the concept of a teenager who doesn't realize she's really an archangel (and it makes a lot more sense than a 17-year-old archangel :-). That's your hook. And I guess William's arrival and the attempts on her life are the inciting incident.

But then the query gets a bit vague. It brings up a character that sounds like he's always been there, but feels like he came out of nowhere. And this character has a secret, but we don't get to know what it is.

Now, you don't necessarily need to tell us the secret, but the way this is written now, not knowing the secrets makes her sadistic choice meaningless to us. She has to choose between "love and loyalty," but who's love? And loyalty to whom? "One wants her heart. One wants her soul." But which is which? And why?

This is where you need to get specific. If we don't understand the protagonist's choice, then we can't care, no matter how much we want to. What makes a choice really sadistic is when the reader understands what goes into the choice, and they still have no idea what they would choose if it were them.

That's my opinion, anyway. What do the rest of you guys think?

First Impact: RACHEL ON FIRE by Vanessa Shields

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have a logline and first page for a YA Contemporary from Vanessa Shields. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Logline

The bit about him killing his parents
hooked me. I wonder if that couldn't
come sooner.

I'm less sure about the last line.

On the bus out of town, it takes one kiss with Tom to ignite sixteen-year-old Rachel’s love. She’s ready to uncover the truth about Tom, the blue-eyed loner, who is rumored to have killed his parents in a house fire. Through a series of fiery firsts that uncover Tom’s scarred story, Rachel falls courageously in love. True love is real.

First Page

I was following this until the last
line. Then I felt out of the loop. Why
does she feel like something's up?

I watched my older brother Alex fidgeting with his university acceptance letter. He was speechless, for once. In fact, we all found ourselves happily silenced. My parents took a sip of their coffees. Then my mom put her hand on my dad’s shoulder. Suddenly, I felt so far out of the loop I couldn’t even see it.

“That’s great. Really great,” my dad said. He looked at my mom. We all looked at my mom. “Actually, we’ve got some news for you guys, too.”

A bad feeling in my guts stood at attention.

“We’re selling the house,” my mom said. A little sob slipped out of her mouth, which she quickly covered with her hand.

“What?!” I barely had enough breath to say the word.

“We don’t need to live in this big, old thing with Alex going off to school,” my mom said.

“Hey, Rachel, it’ll be okay,” Alex jumped in.

“Will it?” I glared at my mom. I couldn’t believe what my ears were hearing.

“Did you know about this?” I looked at Alex. His eyes found my mom’s, and then he nodded. Guilt shaded my family’s faces a bright hue of red. I pointed at them dramatically.  

“You all knew about this! How could you not tell me?” I was shouting. I wanted to run out of the room, but my legs were concrete heavy.

“We should have told you Rachel,” my dad said.

            I still felt like there was part of the loop that wasn’t being revealed.

Adam's Thoughts
I'm intrigued by the mystery, but I feel a little disconnected from the character. Nothing stands out to me as "wrong," but I think it's a combination of little things:

• The sentence in the first paragraph where she feels out of the loop, but I don't even know what signals she picked up on that made her feel that way. I'm still trying to get grounded in these characters and the acceptance letter and what that means.
• I think there's something lacking in her reaction to the news. Plenty of emotions are shown, but why is this so bad for her? What does this house mean for her? (Part of this might just be me: I don't personally identify with the issue because I've never felt that way about a house.)
• It also might be that nobody else seems to have any emotions (with the exception of when her mom covers her sob -- that part's great).
• Like the first "loop" sentence, I'm not sure what signals she's picking up on to make her think they're hiding more from her.

I'd read on, for sure, but if nothing changed, eventually the characters would be having All The Problems, and I would be like, "So?" And you don't want that.

What do the rest of you guys think?

Attention Blog Readers

I'm officially lowering my commitment to this blog, for obvious reasons. I will keep up the First Impact posts as long as I have submissions, and I'll post other things when I've got the time/inclination. But I need to give myself the freedom to back off my M/W/F schedule.

The new official schedule is "One to Three Times a Week and If I Miss a Week I'm Sorry." I highly recommend the RSS feed or an e-mail subscription if you are one of those who still checks websites on specific days.

I don't even need to read the comments to know you understand. I know you guys, and you are AWESOME. Three posts a week isn't even really hectic, but it does weigh on me as One More Thing. And when I've got too many Things weighing on me, the harder-but-more-important ones (like writing or playing games with my kids) get skipped.

And yes, playing games with my kids is hard. They have no attention span, so I have to triple mine to compensate.

Secret Hobbies

Name both these movies, and you win my eternal esteem.
Cross-posted from Anthdrawlogy's Heat week.

I am not a dancer, not by any twisted aerial of the imagination. But I do watch a lot of dance media: Shall We Dance, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, all four Step Up movies, every single episode of So You Think You Can Dance...

I'm not sure how this happened (I married a dancer), but I regret nothing. Some of these guys are fricking superheroes with what they can do.

So what's your secret hobby?

First Impact: LOST AND FOUND AT THE BEAR CLAW BREWHOUSE

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the first page of a black comedy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page

As I stared at the two little blue lines, my grandpa’s words from a few months before echoed in my head. Doped up and pregnant.

I think adrenaline is produced in the
brain. And it actually enhances your
memory.

The memory is a blur thanks to the massive dose of adrenaline my heart shot out when I asked to live with him while working at his competitor’s restaurant. I only remember snippets of conversation and images, like the half deer carcass over his shoulder.

No granddaughter of mine. 

The cleaver, gleaming in the afternoon sun as he lifted it above his head.

Forty years I’ve run this resort. I know what goes on.

His grey eyes boring into me from over his half moon glasses.

You’ll end up doped up and pregnant, just like all those other poor innocent small town girls. 

The cleaver again, this time coming down between ribs with a heavy thunk.

Looking at those blue lines,

I could feel adrenaline clouding my thoughts again. Two lines, I thought. Two beings, one body. Me and my baby. My fetus. My... embryo? Whatever. Two. One too many to prove my grandfather wrong.

I'm having trouble parsing this
clause.

I like the end line.

I sat down on my creaky twin bed, standard issue in the 50s motel now home to Bear Claw Brewhouse employees, and lit up the joint my roommate rolled for me. If I was going to fail, I was going to fail all the way.

Adam's Thoughts
There's a lot of good stuff here. There's some nice voice and a so-far-compelling character. I like how you intertwined her grandfather's words with his actions in the flashback. This feels like a good start to me.

Be careful you don't over-explain why you're doing things. You don't need to explain that her memory is blurred and in snippets in order to introduce that particular flashback. Most of the time, you can just jump into it. Keep things tight and snappy.

And I know the adrenaline thing is really nitpicky, but that's the kind of thing that can either gain or lose the reader's trust. You have to have the reader's trust, and it starts with the small details. You don't have to research every little thing (I mean, I do, but I'm slow and obsessive), but do get good critique partners who can catch this kind of thing. It's one thing we nerds are good at :-)

How do the rest of you feel about this opening?

Making Up Fantasy Languages

It's impossible (perhaps illegal, and certainly blasphemous) to talk about fantasy languages without mentioning the Godfather of Fantasy Language: Mr. John Tolkien. The guy invented languages for fun since he was thirteen years old. He wrote the most epic novel of all time just so he had a place to use those languages.

If that's you, read no further. You're fine.

Most of us, however, did not specialize in graduate-level English philology. So most of us don't really understand how language evolves or what it takes to create an artificial language that has the feel and depth of a real one. That's why a lot of amateur fantasy languages sound silly or made-up.

So how do you create a language that FEELS real, without spending years determining morphology, grammar, and syntax? I'll show you what I do. It's the same thing I do with most world-building: steal from real life, then obscure my sources.

Let's take the phrase "thank you." It's a common phrase, often borrowed between languages (e.g. the Japanese say "sankyu" as borrowed English; in California we say "gracias" as borrowed Spanish, etc).

STEAL FROM REAL LIFE. First I need a source -- some existing, real-world language I can base my fantasy language on. I want it to be somewhat obscure, and I want to show you how you can do this without even knowing the source language (which means no Thai), so I'll pick Malay.

There's lots of ways to find foreign words in a chosen language. If I wanted to be accurate, I'd use 2-3 sites to verify, but I'm making up a language, so Google Translate it is. It translates "thank you" as "terima kasih."

Now that's pretty cool on its own. It's pretty, easy to read, and sounds totally foreign. But despite the odds, somebody who speaks Malay will probably read my novel at some point. That's why we obscure the source. Two ways I do that: (1) alter the letters/sounds/word order of the existing phrase and (2) mix it with some other language.

OBSCURE YOUR SOURCES. For my second source language, I'll pick something from the same family in the hopes it will make my made-up language sound more real. A little Wikipediage tells me Malay is an Austronesian language, and lists the major languages of that branch. I'll use Filipino (just because it's also in Google Translate) and get "salamat."

Then I mish-mash for prettiness and obfuscation. Salamat + terima = salima or salama or, slightly more obscure, sarama. For kasih, I already used the "sala" part of salamat, so I'll take mat + kasih = matak. "Sarama matak." But that feels a bit long for a thank you phrase, so I'll shorten it to "Sarama tak."

And there you go. It was a little work, but a lot less work than it took Tolkien to invent Quenya. If I'm really serious about this fantasy culture/language, I'll keep a glossary of the phrases I make up in my notes, along with a note of what the source languages are (so I can repeat the process to create more phrases that sound like they could be from the same language) and links to the translation sites I used.

If the glossary gets big enough, I might (because I am a bit of a language geek) start converting the phrases into their constituent parts: individual words, verbs, maybe even conjugations. But that's breaching into Tolkien territory where I said I wouldn't go.

Anyway, now you know my secret. Go forth and make cool-sounding languages.

(remixed from an older post)

Top Secret Project is No Longer Secret

Let me tell you a story about a little boy and his dreams. This boy (we'll call him Adam) wanted to make video games since he was 11 years old and Nintendo Power ran a contest to design your own game.* Back then (the late 80's), the only career paths to video games were computer programming and art. Believing he was no good at the latter, he studied computers for the next twelve years.

But Adam wrote too. Oh, God, he wrote -- and designed, because for him it was always about creating the games. Programming was just a means to an end.

In early 1999, Adam got his wish. Feargus Urquhart, head of Black Isle Studios, took a chance on a rookie programmer not quite out of college, and Adam became a scripter on one of the greatest RPGs ever made. And he impressed some people. So much so that when he told them he wanted to be a designer on the next project, rather than a programmer, they happily obliged.

But it didn't last. Oh he loved the job, but the hours were many, and he was commuting 2.5+ hours a day on top of it. When Adam got married, he decided a less demanding (and possibly better paying) job would help ensure the longevity of his new family.

And then he went crazy and left it all for Thailand.

It was all good, though. He'd found a new creative outlet in his novels, and being a full-time dad actually gave him opportunity to write. Of course he missed game design, just like he missed steak houses and the ocean; it was just one of many sacrifices he'd made for the greater good.

But Adam, like so many of us, underestimated the power of the internet and social networking.

Now, this is happening. My old friend, Colin McComb, asked me to be one of the primary designers on a successor to our beloved Planescape: Torment. We're working with Monte Cook (one of the creators of my favorite edition of D&D) and other equally cool people that I can't even mention yet.

We're still in pre-production, and there's always a chance the game won't even happen: big publishers don't want this thing, so we have to go directly to the people who do (BTW, if you're one of those people, we'll talk later).

But just the fact that there's a chance I can do game design again is kind of blowing my mind. We're living in the future, guys. Next stop: teleporters and flying cars.

* Before 11, I wanted to be a jet fighter pilot. I blame Iron Eagle.

First Impact: HUNTED by Jessica Hutchison

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have a query letter for a YA urban fantasy. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query

A one-sentence logline? I'm wary :-)

Zuza always thought superheroes were cool until she became one.

Oh! You went right on with the plot
instead of backing up. Great!

A lot of great voice here.

Now when her evil step-mother asks her to pass the salt, she can launch it at her head without lifting a finger. And then there's the healing. H: her regeneration power rivals a salamander's. It's that awesome.

Just some suggestions here. Reword
them to taste and, you know, accuracy.

But not everything's that coolit's not as cool as it sounds. She seriously has to worry about bounty hunters from other dimensions tracking her down and tossing her through a portal to the Phantom Zone.

The family issues here feel like
first world problems to me. Focus on
the story.

It's just one more complication in an already complicated life. She's got a weird Latvian name (thanks Dad) and a pregnant step-mother determined to replace Zuza with her own spawn. That would be more than enough to handle, but now there's Raven, the intense guy with lethal eyes and a habit of punching people who try to kiss her. Somehow he's the only one who gets that she's in trouble. That she needs help. Problem is, she's having trouble deciding whose side he's on. And when she learns her superpowers are about as stable as a Russian nuclear power plant, she knows she's almost out of time.

The query shows Zuza's character.
You don't need to tell it.

This highlighted bit is exactly how
to write about yourself (if you're
going to do that).

FINDING ZUZA is an urban fantasy for young adults complete at 96,000 words. It takes a curly-headed, dramatic Felicity-like character and puts her into the fast-paced action and romantic suspense of a Cassandra Clare novel. I've published a few short stories, one titled Lazarus in the short story anthology Bicycle Love (Breakaway Books, 2004). Currently, I teach agriculture-related courses at a small university where driving tractors, shearing sheep and tapping maples are all on the syllabus.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Jessica Hutchison
[address, email, blog address]


Adam's Thoughts
There is a lot of Great here. The voice and the story sound solid enough that you could probably get requests with this as is. But I bet we can make it better.

For me, the threads start to fray in the last plot paragraph ("It's just one more complication..."). Up to that point, I'm totally hooked by the character and conflict, and all I need is to know the stakes -- what she has to do and why it matters. But instead I get dumped back into family matters (which, to be honest, sound a little whiny to me considering she's got telekinesis and healing factor).

Introduce Raven for sure, but be more clear about the trouble Zuza's in. The bounty hunter paragraph makes it sound like it's an ongoing problem, rather than something new and deadly that she needs help with.

Where I really got interested again was how her powers were unstable. That's a great hook and I want to know more about it. What does she need to do before her time runs out? That's what I'm unclear on: her goal.

Those are my thoughts. What do the rest of you guys think?

Failed Olympic Events

The Cat Toss. For the record, I would totally watch this.

From Anthdrawlogy's Olympics week.

What's your favorite failed Olympic event?

The Problem With Self-Imposed Deadlines

The trilemma above is a universal for any project. And I've realized this is exactly why my self-imposed deadlines almost never work. I mean, I'll set them, but then I'll get stuck on something, or a problem will appear that I didn't foresee. And once my deadline is broken, replacing it just feels . . . fake.

My self-imposed deadlines don't work because, in the querying and submission stages, the choice above is made for me:

CHEAP, because nobody's paying me. (The only way it could be cheaper is if I paid for the privilege to write which, really, yuck).

GOOD, because if it's not my best stuff, then nobody will ever pay me.

In a way, it's kind of nice. I don't have to choose! I can take all the time I need to make it right, and it's okay.

Under real deadlines, now, I'm a pro. But that's usually because somebody gave them to me. With money. And an implicit declaration of which of these three is least important to them.

I can do that.

How about you? Do self-imposed deadlines work for you?

First Impact: WARRIORS OVER DARKNESS AND THE UNSETTLED GRAVE by Clarissa

I hope you all had a good vacation. Because it's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, etc. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

---

This week we have the first page of a YA urban fantasy from Clarissa. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page

The highlighted bit is a little vague
for me, but okay. I'm curious who
thinks bloodshed is a good thing.

2nd sentence is a bit awkward.

After-hours at the lakefront carnival was a perfect place for bloodshed, especially the kind saddled with revenge. As an assassin of daemonic creatures, Aleera Merrick knew that fun fact all too well considering the shoreline was where she found plenty of her victims and even dumped them in the very handy Lake Michigan. Plus, the high rides and skyscrapers were great stakeout points. 

Isn't a lager a kind of beer?

The longish, awkward sentences are
starting to get to me.

It was past the pier’s midnight closing hour, but teenage lagers in their drunken stumbles were taking forever to leave the grounds. She could hear their hoots and slurred tongues along with the wasted giggles and sloppy kisses of insecure girls. They didn’t see Aleera of course; but the eeriness her mere presence exuded could put more pep in their steps than any vicious canine. She supposed it was wrong, but even after decades of looking like a youngster fresh out of school, abusing her abilities was a habit no rehab could ever break. 

I like these two highlighted lines.

And abuse them she did. Her exhale was the prickly sensations bouncing across their necks. Her intense gray stare burning cracks in their backs was the feeling of a predator on prey. The dark whispers melting from her lips were the voices inside their heads. Like the devilish ones that tell long-face men to kill, kill, kill their loved ones in disgusting ways…but Aleera vowed to never go that far.

And just like that they were gone. 

If she wasn’t careful she could drive folks mad. The extent of her power tugged slyness at her lips. Mundane humans never changed. They would always be so easy to manipulate. It was in their nature; Adam and Eve were proof enough. That’s precisely why she had to protect them from creatures like to her…the untamed ones.

Adam's Thoughts

I don't think I really got into this until the third paragraph. And I think the reason is that there's a lot of thinking and telling here, but the third paragraph is where we really get to see what Aleera can do. And it's awesome and it's creepy.

Not that you can't ever tell. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do. But it'll draw the reader in more if she's doing something, and if we can learn about her through what she does.

I think this is why people say you should start with action. Not because you need exciting openings with explosions, but because we want to do something with the character, rather than read her thoughts.

And it does seem like a fascinating world. Aleera is an intriguing anti-hero, and I'm curious what shakes up her world.

So, what do the rest of you guys think?