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Thank you, Marcy, for letting us take a look at your YA Historical Paranormal. As always, this is just my opinion. You are welcome to disagree.
Chapter One ~ February 1805
|The last sentence threw me off on my|
first read. I think the problem is the
first sentences are a bit misleading.
|I love this paragraph. Great voice.|
Great emotion. Totally draws me in.
Except they weren't.
|How long ago did this happen? How|
fresh is her pain?
This last sentence is a bit awkward.
And according to Mr. P. T. James Esquire,
Now all the pretty things her parents had collected, the baubles and crystal lamps, the paintings in their gilt frames, the plants in the conservatory - even the lovely gown she was supposed to wear for her coming out ball - were walking out in the hands of strangers.
It was all she could do not to scream.
What a horrible day for Arlen. This is such a great start -- I'm feeling Arlen's pain and wondering what the heck is going to happen to her (does she become Batman? Please tell me she becomes Batman).
The only major thing I want to say about this is about the opening paragraph. It feels tricksy to me, but not in a good way. I like the irony of it -- that it's a nice day for a sale, but the sale totally sucks. But I don't like feeling like I was tricked into believing one thing, when the story's about another.
I also noticed a lot of little errors here and there -- misplaced commas, bad capitals, misused semicolons, etc. Not so much that I think you can't write (you obviously can, and well), but enough that I noticed.
On the one hand, I understand you shouldn't have to worry about these things until the meat of the story is polished. I get that.
On the other hand, I consider them to be our katas. Ultimately, we should be so familiar with them we don't even think about them anymore. We just do it right. I say this for everyone, myself included. Learn to care :-)
What do you guys think about this piece? Does the opening paragraph work for you? If not, how would you fix it?