Second, the winner of September's prize -- $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page crit from me -- is PATCHI! Please contact me and let me know which prize you want.
And thank all of you for your thoughts. keep them coming. The authors always tell me how much they appreciate it.
Lastly, I have a special prize for October: a 15-page critique from the amazing and talented Jodi Meadows! To win, leave a critique on any First Impact post this month. Purchasing a copy of Jodi's fantastic INCARNATE won't improve your chances, but it will keep you good company and cure acne (maybe). Plus! Dragons!
Somebody stop me. We have a critique to do.
Disclaimer: This is all just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it. Overall comments at the end.
|I like this opening. But unless kids|
do get locked away in this story, I'd
snip that bit. Get to the point.
|I was initially confused, as "diaries"|
are different from ships' logs.
Love the voice at the end.
|This snipped bit slows things down, I|
think. And it's info you can give later.
|Good description (all of this is, btw),|
but now that we have a goal (Mama),
I immediately want to know more. I
think some of this could be snipped
to get us there faster.
I don't have a lot to say except to elaborate on my comments there. The voice, and especially the descriptions, are really good. I get the feeling I'm about to step into a mystery or possibly an adventure.
My only real complaint is at the end, and honestly that could be just because it's cut off as a first page. If the very next line was like, "Her mama had died when she was little . . . " or else, "Then one day she found it," I probably wouldn't have a problem with the length of that last paragraph at all.
So I'm just being nitpicky, really, because I don't know how much longer I have to wait to get to the meat. This first page is enticing (that's why I want the meat!), and though I do see occasional tangents that slow things down, they're not so bad that I wouldn't keep going.
What do the rest of you think?