Logline Revision Critiques #1

Title: CHRYSALIS
Genre: YA
Original critique on MSFV

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel is an archangel with amnesia.
William and Lucian, long time enemies, are both sent to retrieve the gift Ivy guards, the healing power for all mankind.
One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both and save the world?

15 comments:

Bill Scott said...

I liked the first sentence. As I read on I got a little confused. William and Lucian both seem to want the same thing — the healing power for all mankind, yet one wants Ivy's heart the other her soul. Do they both want the healing power for the same reasons? If not why does Ivy have to survive them both. I just don't understand by the log line. I wonder if you rearrange the first sentence to Seventeen-year-old Ivy Chapel, an archangel with amnesia, guards the healing power for all mankind. It might free up the second sentence a bit.

Sounds interesting.
Best of luck.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I think this is close, and reading it makes me want to read more, but i had to read the logline twice to fully understand it. I think it breaks down in the second sentence a bit and could be smoothed out some - specifically i think it's the "gift ivy guards" that pulls me out some

Empress Awesome said...

I like that it's more specific than your original, so good on you for that! :) My only thing is that if both guys are going after her for her gifts... don't they both want her soul? Plus, she wouldn't really have to SURVIVE the one who's fallen in love with her, right? Seems to me it would end up being two against one, which would make it much easier to save the world. That's my long-winded way of saying the last sentence needs adjusting.

GSMarlene said...

Liking this a lot better. But "survive them both" leaves me a little cold. Does that mean she can't end up loving one?

Jessica Hutchison said...

Love the first sentence.

long time enemies = long-time enemies

I agree with the comments above. Maybe try something like:

Seventeen-year-old Ivy is an archangel with amnesia. She guards a gift, the power to heal mankind. When William and Lucian, long-time enemies, try to retrieve this gift, Ivy fights to remember, to survive and to save mankind.

KayC said...

Hmmm ... if she has amnesia, how does she know William and Lucian are enemies? Why does one of them want her soul? Is it her soul that has the healing power? In which case, she wouldn't be 'guarding' it she would be holding it. Why has the second come to steal her heart? Did he start out wanting her soul (or the gift) and changed his mind? Has he come to protect her because he loves her? Why does she need to survive the one who loves her?

As you can see, I got distracted (and confused) by all the questions this raised.

I like Bill Scott's suggestion for the first line. It sets the stakes for the gift really well. Simplify the second half so it gives us a conflict and a choice (without raising any questions)and this will be great.

Good luck.

Rissa Snepp said...

Much improvement from your last logline! Yay! I was slightly interested in your novel then, but now I find it very intriguing with this revision in mind.

Nevertheless, I agree with most of the posts here. The first sentence hooked me immediately, an archangel with amnesia? How awesome is that premise? However, the second sentence lost me and raised questions as well. I read it once in my head and twice out loud just to make sure I was understanding it correctly and not jacking anything up. I concur with Scott's idea as well, it will make your revisions for the second sentence flow more smoothly.

Btw, nice character names. And I take it Lucian wants her soul, considering that sounds bad and his name is close to Lucifer...right?? lol, I could be totally wrong here.

Good Luck!

Princess Sara said...

This logline is too long--loglines should really be two sentences, tops. It's also not clear who you're protagonist is. If this is a single-perspective book, focus on your protagonist. If it's a multiple-perspective book, focus on your hookiest perspective character (based on this logline, I would say Ivy).

I like Bill Scott's suggestion for the first sentence.

Melissa said...

Thanks for your great advice everyone! It really helps. Here is the newest version of my logline...

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel, an archangel with amnesia, guards the healing power for all mankind. Two long-time enemies are sent to retrieve that power, at all costs.

Patchi said...

I liked the revised version, but I think it's a bit vague at the end. I also miss the heart and soul bit. How about:

Two long-time enemies are sent to retrieve that power, but one wants her heart, the other her soul.

Melissa said...

Thanks, Patchi!How's this?


Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel, an archangel with amnesia, guards the healing power for all mankind.Two long-time enemies are sent to retrieve that power, but one wants her heart, the other her soul.

Wendy said...

I like the advice you got to combine the first sentence (which I love BTW) with the description of the power your MC has. What threw me is the use of the word "guards." If she has amnesia, does she really guard it or just unknowingly possess it? Like some of the other commenters I was also confused why longtime enemies were sent together to get Ivy's power. Were they sent by the same person? In order to get what they want, do they mean to harm Ivy? I wasn't sure why she had to "survive them both."

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

I was pulled in by this logline. I think Bill Scott's suggestions for tightening and combining the first and second sentences is a very valid point. I actually liked the "Will she be able to survive them both. . ." portion because it seemed to hint at a bad-boy love interest, and I'm a sucker for bad boys. I finished reading and wanted to read more!

Melissa said...

Okay, here is the latest version!
Let me know!!!

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel, an archangel with amnesia, unknowingly possesses the healing power for all mankind. While trying to remember her past, Ivy must learn to guard her heart and soul against the enemies standing in her way.



amongst said...

Agree with much of what has been posted here. I think the first sentence rocks! If you could boil the rest down to an equally impressive second sentence, then I think you have a winner.