Logline Revision Critiques #12

TITLE: The Sculptor
GENRE: Suspense Thriller
Original critique on MSFV

An American graduate student in Rome is targeted by a serial killer, The Sculptor, as the prized masterpiece in his growing collection of plastered victims. After uncovering the family secrets that draws him to her, she ultimately must rely on those secrets to turn the tables on The Sculptor in a terrifying confrontation.


Patchi said...

I think this is better than the first version, but the second sentence seems vague to me.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I wish you'd put the MC's name in here, just because it would help cut down some on the pronouns.

I also wish we could maybe get a glimpse of what these family secrets are, so we understand why this serial killer is searching for her

GSMarlene said...

It is a little tough to read, trying to make sure I was following the pronouns. But once I did, ooh, I really like this. Not my typical genre, so I must have skipped the first time around, but this sounds very exciting, a Silence of the Lambs type.

A Little Push said...

I agree about the pronouns - "she" threw me in the second sentence since for some reason I had assumed your MC was male. The second sentence was a little vague - we assume there will be a terrifying confrontation in a thriller, so tell us more about what makes yours unique!

I picture your last line ending with something like "...she must turn the tables on him before she becomes the most prized masterpiece in his collection of plastered victims." (obviously cutting that from the first sentence).

Good luck!

K Callard said...

I think you could combine your two versions to come up with a keeper. Maybe something like: "When American grad student Mara finds out the serial killer the Sculptor wants her as the masterpiece in his growing collection of plastered victims, she (discovers specific thing) that draws him to her. Mara ultimately must (specific action) to turn the tables on The Sculptor in a terrifying confrontation." Or something along those lines. Good luck.

KayC said...

I really like the collection of plastered victims reference(either at the start or at the end, as suggested by A Little Push), but I'm not sure you need the American graduate student in Rome reference at a logline level, where we're trying to save on words. I think it would be sufficient to just start with her name.

Her motivation is good (who wants to end up in plaster?), you just need to explain the family secret and how it will help her.

I like the voice in this and the premise is great. Good luck.

Unknown said...

Hey, I absolutely love the premise, it reminds me of The Bone Collector (Angie and Denzel, awesome duo) But I have a few issues with the logline. "An American graduate student..." aren't good enough details about this chica, whose name I wish to know. You need to give us a descriptive word about what may seems to be a flawed but passionate/active protagonist that draws us into her.

The second sentence is too wordy and not specific enough. I know the stakes are life and death, but give is a little something about the connection between her and his family past. You mention the secrets twice, but don't elaborate on them at all. Give your readers a peek behind the veil she's uncovered before we dive into her world which is about to turn to hell!

;-) Good luck, dearest!

Carolyn Chambers Clark said...

I agree with Sarah.

Wendy said...

This sounds like quite the thriller!
Just to muddy the waters further, here's my take on this. I don't think we need to know how your MC solves the problem. We just need conflict and stakes. And I don't think you need to say there will be a terrifying confrontation--I got the terrifying vibe fine without here. I would like to know something about the family secret to set up the conflict though. So here goes:

Mara, an American grad student in Rome, discovers (family secret/reason) that draws a serial killer to her. In a fight for her life, Mara must turn the tables on The Sculptor before he makes Mara the plaster covered masterpiece in his collection.

Princess Sara said...

I think this could be tightened:

"When grad student Mara discovers The Sculptor, a notorious serial killer, covets her for his collection, she must uncover the secret that draws him to her before she winds up among his plastered victims."

Since uncovering the family secret seems to be Mara's objective here, I don't think you have to specify what the secret is. Obviously, if she knew, there wouldn't be much of a conflict there!

Unknown said...

All of you are wonderful for critiquing this for me. I feel inspired by your insightful comments and helpful advice. THANK YOU!