Logline Revision Critiques #14

TITLE: Vitro/Vivo
GENRE: Sci-Fi dystopia

When Vitro geneticist Drei stumbles across a conspiracy to eradicate her City's life-saving genetic material, she is forced to flee the City before she can find out who is behind the conspiracy or how to stop them. In order to survive the wild lands outside and find a way back in, she must forge a reluctant partnership with Jag, one of the violent, superstitious Vivos, as they discover it is not only Drei's people who are in danger of extinction.

11 comments:

Patchi said...

I found "Vitro geneticist" confusing. You might be trying to say too much here. How about:

When Drei stumbles across a conspiracy to eradicate Vitro's life-saving genetic material, she is forced to flee her city. In order to survive the wild lands outside and find a way back in, she must forge a reluctant partnership with the violent, superstitious Vivos, as they discover it is not only Drei's people who are in danger of extinction.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I think this is better than the original, but i still think it could use some more tightening to cut down on some extraneous words and increase clarity.
The conflict, though, is strong and apparanent, especially in that last sentence, so that's really good.
I think you're really close

GSMarlene said...

Still pretty complicated to read aloud, but this version is clearer. I like Patchi's suggestion. You might be able to still cut "In order to survive ... way back in," as well.

Lyla said...

Good job clarifying the conflict. I do think this version is a little wordy; you might consider cutting small phrases like "how to stop them," or "survive the wild lands outside" (since it seems like the main conflict centers around stopping the conspiracy--surviving is a secondary problem and you don't need it in a logline).

xC0000005 said...

Agree with Patchi, in fact I'd revise their version, cutting the word "outside" (since I doubt the wild lands are inside), and perhaps "her city" - I think it reads better, but then again, I think a lot of things.

K Callard said...

I like Patchi's version, but I agree with xC0000005 that you could remove "outside." Good luck.

KayC said...

I would suggest changing the order around a little. Set the problem, then the stakes and then the conflict to solve the problem. Perhaps something like

"When Drei stumbles across a conspiracy to eradicate life-saving genetic material, she is forced to flee the city. In the wild lands she discovers it is not only her people who are in danger of extinction. She is forced to forge a reluctant partnership with the violent, superstitious Vivos in order to find a way back into the city to .... (save the day)"

Just one more thing to think about and contemplate in the merry-go-round that is logline writing!

Rissa Snepp said...

I find this premise interesting for other folks I know, but not for me...simply because I'm not a sci-fi dystopia type of gal. But yah know, I'm just one person and everyone has their own taste.

So, I agree with Patchi. Those uncommon terms, or occupation I suppose, threw me off and made this more complicated than what it needs to be. Along with "vivos." Just strip it to the essentials so you can hook us right away. Not everyone knows these terms and you can write an effective logline without using them all.

Fiction Writer said...

Like the concept, but I'm not clear on who else is in danger of extinction.

Wendy said...

Reading the logline, it wasn't clear to me what Drei's main conflict was. I'm assuming it's stopping the conspiracy, and not necessarily returning to her city. That said, here's my take on a revision:

Drei is forced to flee her city before she discovers who is conspiring to destroy her people's life-saving genetic material. In the wild lands, Drei must forge a partnership with the violent, superstitious Jag or both their races/tribes (whatever) may be extinguished.

Princess Sara said...

I would cut this down even further than Patchi. The fact she flees the city is important to your plot, but not to your basic conflict. Instead, I'd give more information about what exactly Drei and Jag are trying to accomplish. Perhaps:

"When Vitro geneticist Drei uncovers a conspiracy to eradicate the Vitros' life-saving genetic material, she must forge a reluctant partnership with Jag, a superstitious Vivo whose people are also in danger of extinction, to *whatever it is they do*.