Logline Revision Critiques #19

TITLE: BREAK FREE
GENRE: YA FANTASY
Indentured servant Kiel Reaux has one goal: deliver a spell-stone to his boss, the Baron of Old Town, and earn his freedom before his chains become a noose. But when the delivery goes balls up, and lands him in the hands of slavers, Kiel is sold to a priestess who promises him freedom if he escorts her through a murderous magical jungle. Caught between the deadly jungle and the equally deadly Baron who’s tired of waiting for his spell-stone, freedom becomes the least of Kiel’s problems. Freedom means nothing if he’s dead.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is good, but a little long. Maybe cut out the description of the Baron - "his boss" is probably enough here. I would also trim the second sentence to "when the delivery attempt lands him in the hands of slavers." The details are interesting but often extraneous. Cut out anything that isn't absolutely necessary to set up the protagonist's problem and the stakes he faces.

Good luck!

GSMarlene said...

This is pretty long, unfortunately some of what needs to be cut are the cute phrases. Maybe:

Indentured servant Kiel must deliver a spell-stone to his boss to earn his freedom. Waylaid by slavers, he must choose between completing his original task or following the scent of freedom promised by his new owner.

You definitely don't need the final sentence if you stick with "freedom becomes the least of Kiel's problems" - we can guess he's risking his life.

And I just realized that yours and mine both had the word freedom twice - might want to come up with something else for one of them.

K Callard said...

I agree with the other commenters, this could do with a bit more trimming. The phrase "balls up" didn't seem to fit with Barons, spell-stones, and Priestesses. Also, I think you could make the stakes more obvious.

Maybe something like: "Indentured servant Kiel Reaux has one goal: deliver a spell-stone to his boss and earn his freedom before his chains become a noose. But when the delivery goes wrong, slavers sell Kiel to a priestess who promises to free him if he escorts her through a murderous magical jungle. Now Kiel just has to survive the deadly jungle and his equally deadly boss in order to win the freedom he so desperately craves." Ok, that last part was maybe a bit much, but you get the idea.
Good luck!

KayC said...

This has an MG feel for me. For some reason I'm picturing Shortstuff (I think that was the boy's name) from the Indiana Jones movie! Perhaps its the jungle setting.

Anyway, back to the task at hand - I think you are trying to build in too much of the story.

I like the way GSMarlene's has cut it down. Personally I liked the reference to the jungle and preferred the stakes of freedom versus his bosses wrath.

Perhaps something like

"Indentured servant Kiel must deliver a spell-stone to his boss before his chains become a noose. When he is waylaid by a priestess who needs an escort through the magical jungle, he must decide if the freedom she offers is worth the risk if his boss comes looking for the spell-stone."

Good luck with condensing down to something that works for you.

Fiction Writer said...

I like the idea, but agree that it's too long. Maybe...

When indentured servant, Kiel Reaux, is sold to a priestess who promises him freedom if he escorts her through a murderous magical jungle, he must find a way to stay alive.

Wendy said...

I agree that the logline needs to be condensed. It sounds like a book with a lot of action so you need to distill it down to the primary stakes. Without knowing more of the plot, this is just a suggestion:

On his way to earn his freedom, indentured servant Kiel Reaux is captured by slavers and resold to a priestess who also offers him freedom--if he escorts her through a magical murderous jungle. Faced with the choice between the dangerous new journey and his first owner's wrath, Kiel must find a way to survive and earn his freedom.

Princess Sara said...

I think this can be cut way, way down: "To earn his freedom, indentured-servant-turned-slave Kiel Reaux must escort his priestess mistress through a murderous magical jungle. But when his equally murderous former boss demands the spell-stone Kiel failed to deliver, *whatever Kiel has to do to keep both his masters happy*"

amongst said...

Mine was this long also. But then I cut and cut some more (and it hurt BTW) until people could read it with "just a glance."
I think if you cut 6 lines to 2 it could be great!