Logline Revision Critiques #2

Title: ACE OF SHADES
Genre: YA steampunk fantasy

Seventeen-year-old Enne Alfero must find her lost mother in the shadow world before she loses herself in casino royales, hot street lords, and an unbreakable vow to work as an assassin that pits her against the city's politicians in a deadly game for her life.

10 comments:

Angela Brown said...

My admiration for steampunk grows daily. I like this logline. I would read it, mostly because of my fascination with well- written steampunk novels. I'm a bit on the fence regarding this logline itself because it has a whole lot going on. I read it a few times before I really got a good grasp on things.

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I think this is a good revision. It felt disjointed and confusing before, but now I get a feel for the world and stakes. Good luck!

Bill Scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill Scott said...

I like it. I don't know what a casino royale is, so I'm lost a bit on that part. I also wondered about the unbreakable vow. if it is unbreakable is she already lost?

Good luck.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I have mixed feelings about this. There's nothing in the logline that tells me this is steampunk. I didn't even realize it was fantasy until i read the genre label. Also, it's one long sentence, which made it difficult to read. I'd consider maybe breaking it into two sentences and throw a touch of worldbuilding in here.
But otherwise, it sounds exciting and i'd take a look at it

GSMarlene said...

I agree with breaking it up a bit. Might give an opportunity for a bit more about the world, but the stakes and obstacles are there!

Princess Sara said...

I was really confused about whether the "she" at risk for losing herself in casinos is Enne or Enne's mother. I would also change "an unbreakable vow to work as an assassin" to "her career as an assassin"--the important thing is that she works as an assassin, the vow bit is just excess verbiage.

Other than that, this is pretty solid!

Rissa Snepp said...

I really like this but think it would work better has two sentences instead of one. This one is a borderline run-on. Considering how effective this logline already is, I'm sure you can perfect it with a little break up.

Wendy said...

The elements of your story sound interesting. From your logline though I wasn't sure how all the elements worked together. Does her work as an assassin keep her from looking for her mother? If that's the thing that's most important to her, why would she get lost in casino royales and hot street lords? Why is her mother lost? Was she taken? Wander off? Just thoughts!

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

Your logline sounds interesting but I, like Princess Sara, wasn't sure whether "she" was Enne or her mother. I also wondered how her mom was lost and if that ties in to the unbreakable vow to work as an assassin. . .the answers may be more than you should include in a logline, but my curiosity on that end made me want to keep reading! :)