Logline Revision Critiques #20

TITLE: Twenty-Four Hour Boy
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade
Original critique on MSFV


Up all night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris is happy with his freakish lifestyle. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door his parents question his sanity and Hunter has to prove that he was telling the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

10 comments:

Patchi said...

If he likes his lifestyle, why would he think it's "freakish?" How about:

When ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris reports strange noises next door, his parents question his sanity. They don't believe his tale of a murder either and Hunter has to prove he is telling the truth or risk losing his secret up all night, every night lifestyle.

GSMarlene said...

I'm not sure how he could lose his secret life. He still wouldn't sleep. Would his parents lock him in a closet. I like Patchi's idea, but still wonder what he'd really lose.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I guess i don't know why gadget-maker translates to "Liar". Like, why don't his parents believe him?
But, that said, the voice is great and fun, and i think if you can nail down a few more specifics, so we're not confused, i think you'll have a killer logline.

Anita Saxena said...

Interesting concept. Maybe some streamlining?

Strange lights and noises keep ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris up every night. When Hunter thinks the occurrences are a murder next door his parents question his sanity. Hunter has to prove the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

I'm not sure what "his secret life" is, perhaps you want to expand on that? Or maybe that's what you meant by freakish life? Just clarify. Hope this helps! Good luck!

A Little Push said...

I agree with previous posters that I'm not sure how he could lose his secret life - how would his parents make him sleep? Why would they assume he was lying or insane instead of believing him? Good luck!

KayC said...

Love the voice, but I'm not sure that I would use the secret life and questioning his sanity as the angle in the logline. There are too many comments above that are questioning it.

I'd keep the first line. Drop the "unfortunately" in the second line and just go straight to "When strange lights and noises in the night result in murder Hunter has to use all his creations to prove to his parents that he's not making up stories."

Jessica Hutchison said...

I agree with the comments above. Maybe something like:

Strange lights and noises keep ten-year-old gadget-maker Hunter up at night. When Hunter reports the occurrences as a murder, his parents think he's sleep deprived. Hunter has to prove the truth or face being put to bed early every night like a baby.

Princess Sara said...

I agree with prior posters. What is his "secret life"/"freakish lifestyle"? Don't play coy with your stakes!

amongst said...

I love the first sentence. If you chop the next three lines of text into one, I would like it even more.

Gina Fava said...

Intriguing premise. Love the first sentence. Second sentence is a bit of a run-on, which diminishes the suspense for me. If you tighten up the second sentence (ie drop unfortunately, add a couple commas to break up the noises and the murder), then I think it's a real winner. Good job!