Logline Revision Critiques #21

TITLE: Amongst
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

No one has ever left Verandale…at least not with their body still wrapped around their soul.
But thirteen year-old Enoch believes he has discovered a way to escape.

22 comments:

Angela Brown said...

This is one I would read. The stakes are clear from the first sentence. It's clear that the MC mentioned has found a way to do the impossible and so I'm intrigued to follow the adventure on how this comes to be...and if he succeeds in escaping.

xC0000005 said...

My only suggestion would e to explain why it is that one would want/need to leave. Otherwise, short, sweet, and if I had a sense of why, I'd read.

Patchi said...

Very intriguing! I like it. My suggestion would be to add the why he needs/wants to escape at the end.

Bill Scott said...

I like it and agree with the above. What exactly is he escaping from?

Stephanie Garber said...

I like this! Short, yet intriguing. But I would like to know why Enoch wants to leave Verandale.

Good luck!

GSMarlene said...

Quite good, but I just need a little more about Verandale. Is it a town, another world, the faerie underworld? Those will make a difference to the reader (cuz I'm a little over fae so would avoid that over some mysterious town shrouded from the rest of the world or something.

Sarah Ahiers said...

I like this a lot!
I do wish, though, i knew why he wanted to leave. I mean, if it's a paradise, then it doesn't matter that no one ever leaves, because who would want to.
But otherwise, that's all i questioned

robyn said...

'Body still wrapped around their soul' is very nice; grabby. But I definitely need to know what/where Verandale is and why Enoch would want to escape. Not being able to just isn't a good enough reason. You could easily insert a few clarifying words right before and after the word Verandale. The medieval kingdom of Verandale where Arthurian cyborgs rule with a despotic hand.... Or whatever.

I'd love to win a crit of my own. Fingers crossed!

Empress Awesome said...

Why does he want to escape?

K Callard said...

I agree with the others, you need to explain why Verandale is bad, but I think you could add your description of Verandale at the end, so as not to lose the impact of "body wrapped around their soul" ie. "...has discovered a way to escape the (slave city? torture chamber? etc)

Good luck, you're just about there.

Cali said...

Like everyone else, I am intriged by the premise, but I would like to know why he wants to leave.

I would totally read this.

Anita Saxena said...

Totally hooked. But like everyone else I want to know why people want / need to leave Verandale?

Fiction Writer said...

Agree with the others: why does Enoch want to leave and why does he believe he has a solution?

Wendy said...

I agree with the others--the premise totally sucks me in, but then I stop and wonder. The words with their body still wrapped around their soul are amazing, but is this just to say "alive"? If you intend something else, that wasn't clear to me and like everyone else I wonder what the exigence is to leave "Verandale." the name sounds so peaceful....

KayC said...

This is so much better than your original submission. Fantastic hook that immediately pulls the reader in. Being so (beautifully) short you have left yourself a little room to explain the compelling reason why he needs 'to escape from ....'

When I first read this I also wondered how he was planning on escaping, but having thought about it a bit, I think not knowing adds to the lure of the log line.

Great job, you are so very close to getting this perfect and having all of us buy it when it's published!

Annie Rains said...

Why does he want to leave? There are no stakes here. I am intrigued, but not hooked yet.

Victoria Dixon said...

Wow. Now that's got ZIP. The only possible addition I can think of is a way to escape ... what. Instant death, disembodiment? Soul theft. Even then, I'm not sure it would improve it. Sometimes, shorter is better. Nice job.

Rissa Snepp said...

I love it. I can tell why others may want you to add the stakes in there and that's supposedly what every logline needs at the end...but it works perfectly fine to me and hooks me right away, my dear. And hey, sometimes breaking the rules can get yah to first place. ;-)

Princess Sara said...

This is crisp and zippy, but has no clear stakes. What drives Enoch to attempt such a risky venture? Add that in, and you're golden. :)

Soup Momma said...

Yes, I would pick this one up off the shelf and hand it to the cashier. I love the fact it leads me to a lot of questions, which can only be answered by reading the book.

Kathleen said...

So others have left without their bodies wrapped around their soul? I agree with the others, why leave? To where? What is this place?

Kathleen said...

So others have left without their bodies wrapped around their soul? I agree with the others, why leave? To where? What is this place?