Logline Revision Critiques #23

TITLE: Artashad
GENRE: Historical

When exiled Prince Tiridates hears how his people suffer under Persian occupation, he convinces the Romans to send a liberating force to Armenia. The Roman warlords have their own motives, and the Persians will violently defend their claim, but if Tiridates must achieve the throne or his nation will cease to exist.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice improvement over the original. I think my concern now is that the protagonist's role sounds somewhat passive - not that convincing the Romans wouldn't take impressive negotiation skills, but I'd like to know that he'll be more actively involved in the conflict that follows. You might also want to include something like "his native land of Armenia," just to clarify his origins.

Good luck!

xC0000005 said...

There's an errant "if" near the end of this. That said, I'm wondering what Tiridates actually does. It sounds like the Romans are doing the work, and Tiridates (and the novel) are about convincing them to go.

Bill Scott said...

Was a bit complicated for me. I had to read it several times. I think if the first statement had more to do with the exiled prince's goal of achieving the throne and not the suffering people, then I wouldn't have been as confused at the end.

Good luck.

Stephanie Garber said...

I agree this is an improvement from your first logline. Good job. But, I'm sorry, I still wasn't drawn in by this. I agree with Matril that Prince Tiridates seems to have a a passive role. This is just a suggestion, but maybe the first sentence could focus on Prince Tiridates need to convince the Roman's to help him, giving him a bit of a more active role.

Good luck!

GSMarlene said...

This isn't quite my genre, but a couple points: what are the roman motives and how do they conflict and there's an extra "if" in the final phrase.

Sarah Ahiers said...

The stakes are clear, but i had to read it a few times to really get across what was going on (the errant "if" didn't help things. Also, this is not my genre, so keep that in mind).
I do agree with the others that i wish the Prince was more active in this logline, because right now, it seems like the Romans and the Persians are the only ones who are doing anything, while he's just sitting back, watching and wringing his hands.
But i definitely think you're close. Good luck!

Cali said...

I really like this second version. But could you hint at what he must do to achieve the throne?

Anita Saxena said...

Exiled princes, always fun :)
I think the last part of the final sentence needs some polishing, how about:
..., but if Tiridates doesn't regain the throne his nation will cease to exist.

Fiction Writer said...

I think this could be condensed, e.g., Exiled Armenian Prince Tiridates has to hurry and convince the Romnans to help him ascend the throne or his kingdom will cease to exist.

PatEsden said...

I like the first sentence and how he cares about the people who are suffering, but this sentence doesn't quite match his goal at the end of the logline. How does the people's suffering relate to him gaining the throan and his nation not existing?

I think fiction writer is right that tightening this up a lot will make it clearer.

Wendy said...

To clarify who is from where, maybe start with When Exiled Prince T of Armenia hears how his people are suffering under Persian occupation, he X's to convince the Romans to send a liberating force to his homeland. I feel like there's a fascinating story here, but I'm still not sure what Prince T does.

Jessica Hutchison said...

Sorry, I liked the first version better. This one seems impersonal - doesn't make me feel for MC as much.

KayC said...

I preferred the original first line, where he resolves to reclaim his throne. It was much stronger.

In this version you also lost me in the second sentence. I think it goes without saying, that the Persians will defend their claim. I think you could be using this area to set the stakes.

I'm not sure that the last line is effective because you have opened a whole can of worms with the comment 'his nation will cease to exist'. Why?

I would suggest trying to explain the conflict and consequences a little more. Make me feel worried about the people and give me a reason to want Tiridates to succeed. A tall order in 50 words, I know!

Perhaps something along the lines of - When exiled Prince Tiridates hears that his people are being ...... he enlists the help of the Roman warlords to reclaim his throne. But the warlords have an agenda of their own and soon Tiradates isn't sure who the enemy is or how he can best save his people.

This is rough, but hopefully will give you some ideas.

Good luck.

Victoria Dixon said...

I love historical war/alternative history stories, so I love the potential of this, but I'd like to know what Tiridates does. He convinces people in this logline, but there needs to be more. To do that, I suggest JUST sticking with him in your logline. If you need a villain, mention one by name, not both. You could always he's fighting two nations for his country's freedom or some such.

Princess Sara said...

This is really vague and makes your protag sound passive. Perhaps something like: "To save his people from Persian oppression, exiled Armenian prince Tiridates must convince the Roman Empire to help him regain his throne."

Cristin Bruggeman said...

Thank you, everyone for your comments! It's really hard to describe a novel in 50 words. I've given it another try, and if any of you would like to give input on this version I'd really appreciate it!

Rome has promised to liberate Prince Tiridates' homeland from Persian occupiers and make him king…if Tiridates discreetly kills off the emperor's political rival. Tiridates takes the deal, but soon discovers his new allies are as treacherous as his enemies, and to free Armenia the prince will have to outmaneuver the two greatest empires on earth.