Logline Revision Critiques #24

TITLE: The Wanderers
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Clouds of dead souls are filling the skies of Erion. When a ruthless scientist professes to have found a solution, Rhanee travels back in time to find a way to free the dead before he succeeds and claims ultimate power as his reward.

17 comments:

Bill Scott said...

Great first sentence.

Have questions about the second sentence. Found a solution to what? Obviously the dead souls filling the skies, but i don't understand exactly how that's a problem. Are the blocking out all light and the planet is dying?
The way your sentence is structured "he suceeds" is confusing. I think it refers to the ruthless scientist, but it is in closer proximity to Rhanee so it could be referring to him.

GSMarlene said...

I think we need to know what is bad about the scientists solution - because solution sounds good to me. Is he going to use them in some way, harness their energy, enslaving them?

Stephanie Garber said...

I like your first line, but it doesn't draw me in as much as I think it could. Obviously no one wants dead souls in the sky, but do you think you could show/tell us why these souls need to be freed?

I also agree with Bill about the structure of your second sentence. The "he succeeds" does sound as if you're referring to Rhanee.


Good luck!

Sarah Ahiers said...

The first sentence is good, but after that it kind of tumbles away some. I think you just need to be more specific, just come out and say that the scientist's solution is actually a plot to control the world, or whatever, so we're not left confused when suddenly your MC is trying to stop him.

Stacey said...

I believe there is room here for a little more impact- I want to know why the sky is filling with dead souls. Second sentence does feel as though it is referring to Rhanee. I wonder what you mean by ultimate power. I love the idea of the time travel!

EmilyaNaymark said...

Yes, the problem here is with the second sentence. I think you need to say a little about Rhanee (I don't even know if it's male or female) and specify that the 'he' in the sentence is the ruthless scientist. So something like 'When a ruthless scientist professes to have the solution (make it simpler), (a couple of adjectives here - young, a time-traveler trainee, orphaned, I don't know, something about who she is. I think it's a she) Rhanee travels back in time to free (skip the 'find a way') the dead before the scientist claims ultimate power as his reward and (mention why this is bad - for example: enslaves all of mankind, or kills her whole family.)

Joan Stradling said...

This needs tightening and clarification.

Clouds of dead souls fill the skies of Erion. When a ruthless scientist's solution is to (enslave the souls and gain ultimate power--or whatever it is), a x-year-old (boy/girl) must stop him by traveling back in time to find another way.

Wendy said...

I am confused. It seems to me that if a scientist found a way to get rid of clouds of dead souls, that would be a good thing. But from reading the rest of your logline, I'm guessing that's not the reaction I'm supposed to have. Why does it matter Rhanee? I don't see his stake in this.

Anita Saxena said...

Love the first sentence. If I understand correctly the scientist wants to harness these souls for his own evil plans and Rhanee must stop him? In the second sentence please tell us exactly what the scientist's aims are for the souls; who Rhanee is (boy? Girl? Teen? a one word description of what makes them unique); why is it important for the cloud of dead souls to remain untouched?
Sorry, I know that's a lot. I just want to understand the conflict better because the first sentence is a great hook.

Fiction Writer said...

Why clouds of dead souls? Why not just dead souls? And who is Rhanee?
and who does the indefinite pronoun he refer to?

Just some ideas for tightening this


PatEsden said...

I find the premise behind this very cool. But I feel like the logline is more focused on the coolness of the souls than the main character. Why is this person the only one who can solve this issue? Maybe an adjective to discribe the main character rather than his name and another one to tell a bit about why the clouds aren't a wonderful thing.

The Dieselpunkette said...

The premise sounds interesting, it just seems a bit vague as to the stakes. Why are the dead souls a problem, and why does this ruthless scientist stand to gain power by fixing it?

A Little Push said...

I love your first sentence. I was a little confused about whether the ruthless scientist and Rhanee are the same person...I'm guessing not, so maybe adding an adjective before Rhanee's name would clarify. Also, the last phrase confused me: "before he succeeds and claims ultimate power as his reward" - who succeeds? What kind of ultimate power? And what is the reward for, freeing the souls?

KayC said...

Thanks for all the great comments. For anyone still lurching in these pages over the weekend (being in Australia I'm behind the eight ball in these critiques because I'm sleeping while everyone else is busy commenting!)is this any better?

"Clouds of dead souls are trapped and filling the skies of Erion. Their desperate yearning to be free leaves everyone exposed to their touch as a mindless shell. Rhanee must travel back in time to find a way to release them before she, too is caught in their deadly embrace."

Jessica Hutchison said...

KayC, I like your rewrite as it explains more about the dead souls. The second sentence is a bit wordy. Maybe something like:

Clouds of dead souls are trapped and filling the skies of Erion. Everyone exposed to their touch turns into a mindless shell. Rhanee, a teenage something or other, must travel back in time to free them before she, too, is caught in their deadly embrace.

Add a little something short after Rhanee's name to help us see her character better.

What a cool story :)

Victoria Dixon said...

This does intrigue me, but I agree with the others. Why is the dead-cloud cover bad? Why is the solution worse? (And it should be.) Also, make sure you make it as active as possible.: Clouds of dead souls fill Erion's skies. Are filling is passive and ending on a prepositional phrase is a No No. LOL Good luck with it! It sounds good.

Princess Sara said...

I like your revision in the comments, but it needs major tightening (and also, what happened to the scientist--is he the antagonist, or are the dead souls stealing people's minds the antagonist?).

Perhaps something like: "Dead souls haunt the skies of Erion, destroying the minds of anyone they touch. Unless time-traveler Rhanee can release them, she may be the next to die."