Logline Revision Critiques #25

TITLE: Jennifer Strange
GENRE: YA Paranormal Horror
Original critique on MSFV

Fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus must protect his family from a soul-eating wraith but his only hope is Jennifer Strange who doesn't believe she can touch ghosts.

21 comments:

Bill Scott said...

It works well up until "wraith." The second half — "doesn't believe she can touch ghosts" — confuses me.

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I'm also confused by 'doesn't believe she can touch ghosts'. What does he want her to do? Why is the wraith after his family? Why, if he's a ghost hunter, is he unable to stop it himself?

Empress Awesome said...

Hmmm... I think I like the first version better. She can touch ghosts, but she doesn't believe she can? It just makes the plot seem confusing. If she were reluctant because of horrible side effects/consequences that would be another story (and it would also be awesome!)

Sarah Ahiers said...

I'm confused by the "doensn't believe she can touch ghosts" bit. Because, no one can touch ghosts, so doesn't that make her normal? Unless you're saying that she actually CAN, and that's what makes her special, but that she doesn't believe she has this ability. If that's the case, i would try and clarify that more

Stephanie Garber said...

I like the first half of this, but I agree with the other critiques that the second half, about Jennifer Strange, is a bit confusing. Maybe you could tell/show us why Jennifer is Marcus' only hope, before adding the bit about her not believing she can touch ghosts.

Good luck.

GSMarlene said...

Definitely need more about Jennifer and what makes her special. I'm wondering if its not just whether she can touch ghosts (and how does that help the wraith situation) but what happens when she does?

K Callard said...

Once again, I agree with the other commenters. If there's a very short description of Jennifer that would explain her powers, you could probably just slip it in "...is Jennifer Strange, a (medium? ghost whisperer? unbelieving psychic?), who doesn't (realize? want to believe?) she can touch ghosts."

Good luck.

Lyla said...

Same comment, basically--I would like to be told why it's important that Jennifer doesn't believe she can touch ghosts. Is the ability to touch ghosts important to stopping the wraiths?

Cali said...

I like the first post best. I like where this is going, but if touching ghosts is important, why not say that first. Then you could say, "but she doesn't believe she can touch ghosts."

Joan Stradling said...

I agree with the other comments. This is too confusing and raises too many questions.

Anita Saxena said...

Cool concept. But I need to know how Jennifer can help? What is the special thing that she can do? And then follow it up with the fact that she can't touch or doesn't believe in ghosts.

Wendy said...

I agree that I need to know what it means to "touch" ghosts and why this is important. I was also thrown off by the capitalization of Ghost Hunter, as if it was part of Marcus's name. I got the impression that it will take some time/plot twists to get Jennifer Strange's help, so it made me wonder why the soul-eating wraith is after Marcus' family. IMO, knowing that might up the tension. Just thoughts.

Fiction Writer said...

Don't know what a wraith is...maybe other readers won't either. Not sure why Ghost Hunter is in caps or why he can't handle the ghost himself.

Agree with others; why must she touch the ghost? More explanation needed, please.

The Dieselpunkette said...

The part about jennifer not thinking she can touch ghosts confused me too. It also sounds like Jennifer's main conflict centers around her disbelief, and it doesn't seem that compelling. Convincing her she can do something she obviously can do, doesn't seem like it should be that hard.

PatEsden said...

I like the premise of this. Sounds fantastic, in fact.

But I'm wondering if the longline would be stronger if you replaced Jennifer's name with words which discribed her. What is she beyond a girl who doesn't believe?

Annie Rains said...

Why is Jennifer Strange his only hope? I think you could hook the reader more if we knew why he needs her in order to save his family.

KayC said...

Firstly, this doesn't scream 'horror' to me. Give me a reason to feel like it's going to be scary. I also agree with the comments above. How does Jennifer touching ghosts help him? Describe her ability in a more compelling way and make us believe that she is capable of helping.

Perhaps something like - Fifteen-year-old Marcus has seen the blood and gore the soul-eating wraiths leave in their wake. When they begin stalking his family he turns to the only person who can help him. The only problem is he has to convince Jennifer of her ...... abilities first.

This is rough and 'blood and gore' is really pathetic (you need to insert your own voice), but hopefully you get what I mean.

Rissa Snepp said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Kay. I want to know what Jennifer's ability has to do with protecting his family from soul-eating wraiths. The fact that she can touch ghosts gives me nothing regarding destroying this wraith. Forget the terms, "touch ghosts" tell me in a nutshell what happens when she touch ghosts. Is it a fatal touch to all paranormal entities, is it something that paralyzes them, sends them to another dimension, is it an otherworldly gift that transforms evil creatures into...I don't know. Ants?!

Gives us a little more detail about what this Jennifer Strange can do.

Oh, and yes, I do find this very interesting. Seems like it would be my type of read. ;-)

Princess Sara said...

I agree with previous posters that this is too confusing. Why would Jennifer's belief be an obstacle? What is a Ghost Hunter?

Perhaps: "To protect his family from a soul-eating wraith, fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus must convince a reluctant ghost-toucher to ."

C. A. Schmidt said...

The sentence feels run-on and I agree with the other posters--I'm confused about Jennifer Strange (great name)-- why does he need her at all if he's a ghost-hunter?

Kelsey Sandy said...

Why is Jennifer his only hope? How does she "touch" ghosts? Why doesn't she believe that she can and how will that help Marcus?

Also, why do we get Jennifer's full name, but not Marcus's? I like just one name in a logline, if possible:

Fifteen-year-old ghost-hunter Marcus ____ must protect his family from a soul-eating wraith, but his only hope is convincing a young girl to use the power she denies. Something like that, at least. I still think my version is too vague, but I'm not clear on Jennifer's power.