Logline Revision Critiques #3

Title: Running Down the Dragon
Genre: Adult Thriller/Fantasy

Thalia Drake of the U.S. Military's elite shapeshifter forces, and the world's last dragon, must stop a serial killer whose ultimate goal is exterminating shapeshifters. But stopping him means exposing the deadly secret she's hidden for thousands of years - her true identity.

11 comments:

Bill Scott said...

Hooked. Good work.

Sarah Ahiers said...

Great job. It's definitely an improvement over the original. I'd pick this up. I read it a couple of times to see if i could offer any improvments, but i got nothing.

Patchi said...

I like this a lot. It's more focused than the original version.

Empress Awesome said...

This sounds awesome! But does the US Military usually go looking for serial killers?

GSMarlene said...

I think this is perfect as is. You totally nailed it - I think you'll be fought over in the Baker's Dozen!

xC0000005 said...

Love the elegance of this. It's short and sweet and tells me what I want (which is that I want to read more).

Jessica Hutchison said...

Very nice logline.

Should it be "elite Shapeshifter Forces"? (capitalized?)

also, a quick question: if her shapeshifter identity is a secret, how is she a member of the shapeshifter forces? is it not composed of shapeshifters? maybe change to:

Thalia Drake, the world's last shapeshifting dragon, must stop a serial killer whose ultimate goal is exterminating her kind. But stopping him means exposing the secret she's hidden for thousands of years - her true identity.

A Little Push said...

I like Jessica Hutchison's version. I was a little confused by the first line - I didn't actually get that she was the world's last dragon until I read the other comments. Good luck!

KayC said...

When I read this the first time I thought - this is great.

But then I read the comments. I interpreted this as Thalia and the world's last dragon were teaming up to stop the serial killer. I thought her true identity was an entirely different thing again. From the other comments above I'm now not sure if she is the last dragon or not? If she is - take the dragon reference out of the first sentence and it will all make sense. You could change the very last bit to say - her true draconic identity if you wanted to get the hook of the dragon in your logline.

This is fantasy, so I'd also be inclined to drop the U.S. in the logline and refer to it as military's elite Shapeshifter Forces.

This sounds like a great story and definitely one I'd pick up to read. Good luck.

Princess Sara said...

I'm with KayC--is she the last dragon, or is she teaming up with the last dragon? Either way, this sounds pretty badass, but you should clarify that point.

Wendy said...

For what it's worth, when I read this, I thought it meant that Thalia is the last dragon. What I didn't understand is why she is the one who has to stop the serial killer. She's a member of a shapeshifter team. Why can't the other elite members help? Why is it up to her? I think the stakes would feel stronger if I knew this.