Logline Revision Critiques #4

TITLE: The Withering of Amblethorn
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Original critique on MSFV


The girls of an exclusive New England school are disappearing only to be returned aged beyond recognition. When authorities brush the case aside two unlikely friends, school outcast Vera and social butterfly Peyton, team up to figure out who-or what- is behind it.

12 comments:

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I think this is better. You're missing a comma after 'aside'. I think 'two unlikely friends' is redundant: When authorities brush the case aside, school outcast Vera and social butterfly Peyton team up to...

Bill Scott said...

Great concept. I'd read it. I also agree with Cristin's edits. Not sure "brush the case aside" is the best description. Are they unable to solve it, not pursuing it to the girl's satisfaction, or just inept?

Sarah Ahiers said...

I like this. i agree with Cristin and Bill about the missing comma, and their comments, but i'd keep reading. The only thing i wonder is if maybe you could start the logline with the MCS instead of ending with them. Because while the beginning is interesting, i don't overly care until i see who the plot affects. If that makes sense.

GSMarlene said...

This is much better. Love the twist that the girls are aged and would definitely read to find out if they can fix them as well as find the culprit.

A Little Push said...

Much better, great job!

K Callard said...

I like this and I agree with Cristin's comments. I'd read this. Good job!

KayC said...

I find it doubtful that the authorities would 'brush off' something this incredible. Perhaps change this bit to when the authorities don't appear to getting anywhere in their investigations. I also think the disappearing and returning is enough of a hook, without having to tell me it's from an exclusive New England school.

Personally, I think you could cut this even further to something short and sharp like "Vera, the school outcast, teams up with the social butterfly to figure out who - or what - is abducting students and returning them aged beyond recognition."

Sums it up for me in 27 words, but that's just my take on it. Either way, this is something I would pick up and read. Good luck.

Jessica Hutchison said...

I love KayC's rewrite but I'm a fan of short and sweet :) Great concept - I would read this :)

Princess Sara said...

I like KayC's suggestion. Short, sweet, and complete.

Rissa Snepp said...

I really like this, but agree with Kay as well. She sharpens it well.

Wendy said...

I like KayC's short version. The only change I would make is that in your original logline I felt like the two girls were equals and KayC's relegates Peyton to a supporting role. If they are equals, use both girls names.

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

Very intriguing and I'd keep reading! I think KayC and Wendy make some valid points, but I think you've done a great job.