Logline Revision Critiques #5

TITLE: Dias de los Muertos: Days of the Dead
GENRE: Middle Grade


Thirteen-year-old Fortunato is left as the reluctant head of his dysfunctional family when his abusive father dies. After finding a 500-year-old journal, Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse that threatens to destroy him and the rest of his family. Can he pacify the ghost of a murdered Aztec woman by replacing the artifact his ancestor stole, or will the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries claim Fortunato as well?

8 comments:

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I like this, but it's a bit long. I think you could cut the first sentence altogether, and start with, "After finding a 500-year-old journal, thirteen-year-old Fortunato..." Sound like an interesting read.

Sarah Ahiers said...

This sounds exciting and fun, but i don't think you need that first sentence. The knowledge that he's the head of the family doesn't seem to tie in with anything else in the logline and i think you can cut it and not lose anything

GSMarlene said...

I like this a lot better. Agreed that you could cut the first sentence as it isn't relevent here, except the 13yo part.

I'm much more interested in reading this after seeing this version of the logline - good job!

xC0000005 said...

I'm not a fan of the question at the end, since it's sort of a given that he will do so. I mean, I'm not guessing that he'll fail and everyone will die. Also, I think you can tighten this up - does it matter how old the journal is? Or how he intends to appease the woman?

KayC said...

I agree with above comments, the first sentence is back story and not necessary. I also think the rest is still too long winded, e.g. I don't think we need to know that he found about the curse in a 500-year-old journal.

"When thirteen-year-old Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse on his family that ..... (give me specifics here, not a generic 'threatens to destroy')he must find and return the ancient artifact his ancestors stole before the curse claims his life."

Even that could probably be cut further to "When thirteen-year-old Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse on his family he must find and return the ancient artifact his ancestors stole before the curse claims his life."

Can you tell I like short loglines?

It sounds like you have a great story here. Good luck condensing it into something that will hook an agent in the Baker's Dozen.

Princess Sara said...

I think the first and second sentences can both be cut--your third line is where the action happens. KayC's one sentence reworking is great.

Wendy said...

I love KayC's revision. When you add the info that tells us how the Aztec curse threatens Fortunato, I think it's a winner.

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

Thank you all so much! I have the first sentence there because it's a big portion of the story physically. There are hints of the curse and the Aztec ghost, but much of it is overshadowed by the abuses that Fortunato is going through while he's living here in America. When his father dies, they move to Mexico, ghostly activity increases, and the information about the curse comes out when Fortunato finds the journal. Does it still make sense to start with the second sentence since it takes him so long to find the journal? Thank you all so much for your collective knowledge!!