Logline Revision Critiques #7

TITLE: Beyond Chains and Stars
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

When twins Chosi and Juhan are stolen from their home world and sold into slavery, they vow to return home. But with Chosi in the gladiator arena and her brother sold into political intrigue, keeping that vow might kill them.

9 comments:

Patchi said...

I found this logline a bit repetitive and I'm not sure I understand "sold into political intrigue." I also think you need to use some stronger words. Maybe something like:

Kidnapped and sold to slavers, XX-year-old twins will need to survive the gladiator arena and political intrigue before they can return to their home planet.

Good luck!

Sarah Ahiers said...

i think you use the wold "sold" too much. I also feel like maybe we could use a bit more. I mean, are they planning to escape? Are they indentured servants, so they can earn their freedom? Details like that would really help to flesh this out some.
Good luck!

GSMarlene said...

This feels a little vague, and detached,maybe? Patchi's suggestion is better. But I still feel like I'm missing something - wondering if maybe Juhan might like his life of intrigue and not want to leave. Is it a hard choice for either of them?

KayC said...

There seems to be lots of back story here, but not much to entice me to want to read on. I don't really need to know they were stolen from their home world, and I certainly would assume that they want to return home, so you don't need to waste precious words in your log line telling me this.

Condense down to kidnapped, sold and the conflict they have to try and save themselves. Is one twin more dominant than the other and trying to save his brother, or does the story revolve around both equally. Either way, perhaps pick one twin to highlight here and give us the stakes and obstacles he needs to overcome to save himself and his twin.

Good luck.

Princess Sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Princess Sara said...

After looking at your original and the revision, I would suggest you focus your logline on Juhan. Perhaps: "After Juhan and his sister are kidnapped by slavers, he vows to get them both home safely. But to keep his word, he'll have to [whatever dangerous thing he does] before his sister dies in gladiatorial combat."

Rissa Snepp said...

Your story sounds interesting, but I understand the issues raised in the comments. Try to insert action verbs that will depict the struggle the twins will face.

Also, I really like Patchi's suggestion and think you should consider it. Patchi tightened the logline which caused it to flow much smoother.

Wendy said...

I'm late to this party and it looks like you've already received great suggestions. Good luck!

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

I'm also late to the party, but I wanted to add that I love the idea that Chosi, the female, is the one in the gladiator arena. Is she the main character? Is it up to her to rescue her brother? If any of this is so, I'd love to see more of it reflected in your logline. I'm intrigued by the idea of shifting the idea that a male must be the rescuer. :)