Logline Revision Critiques #8

TITLE: Through the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
Original critique on MSFV

When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. If Izzy fails, both her sister and the Changelings will end up as ingredients in the queen's youth elixir.

10 comments:

Cristin Bruggeman said...

I like this better, especially the detail about youth elixir. My question is why the changelings would help her if rescuing her sister will put them at so much risk. Is there a bigger goal to take out the queen?

Sarah Ahiers said...

Aww! This sounds super fun! I'd take a look at this. I agree with Cristin that i think you may be lacking some details regarding the changeling's motivations, but outside of that, i like this a lot!

Patchi said...

I like this better than the original. The youth elixir is a great addition. But "team up" suggests that she joins their cause (which is?), or does Izzy convince them to help her?

GSMarlene said...

I like this a lot! I really don't have a single suggestion. For the age group, I think the final phrase is super catchy and enough to grab their attention.

Lyla said...

Haha, I like the last line. It made me squirm. You hit all the important points for a logline (problem, characters, decision, stakes) in a concise and interesting way.

Bill Scott said...

Works as is for me. Good job.

Jessica Hutchison said...

This is a super-great logline :)

I agree with the comments above about the Changelings - why would they help her - but don't see how you can easily add this info and still keep the nice flow of this version. Maybe change to "she convinces a band of orphan Changelings to help rescue her."

Good luck with this - sounds like a fun read :)

Princess Sara said...

I like this exactly as it is. The goal and stakes are clear, and the youth elixir had me hooked. Well done!

Wendy said...

This sounds like a fun read! My only comment is I wondered if the changelings were going after the queen anyway, that kind of dilutes your MC's actions. Does she convince the changelings to do something they didn't want to do? Is there a chance they could abandon her? That would up the stakes.

Jolene Ballard Gutierrez said...

I agree with Lyla, the last line raised the stakes and hooked me. I had questions about the changelings and why they'd risk themselves, too, so if you can make that more clear, I think that would be helpful.