Logline Revision Critiques #9

TITLE: NOOKS & GRANNIES
GENRE: Humorous Paranormal
Original critique on MSFV

NOOKS & GRANNIES reveals childhood friends Keegan and Amelia as the late-bloomers they are--accepting their respective quirks and his homosexuality--while coping with ghostly whispers and levitating objects in Keegan's grandmother’s house. Comfortable with their misfit status, they now must learn how to react when two young men come along to shake up their mostly reclusive lives.

8 comments:

Sarah Ahiers said...

i really don't get a sense of voice at all in this. This is a humorous paranormal MS, but the logline has no humor. Maybe try writing this logline from the POV of one of the characters to build that voice back in?
Because right now, it seems very "tellY". Specifically phrases like "reveals childhood friends" "Accepting their respective quirks" "they must now learn to react" all sound like authorial intrusion. I think the voice in your original logline is much better.
You also don't need the title of your MS in the logline.
I think you can get there, i just think you need to play around a bit more to find a structure that you like and that works for this MS. Super good luck!!!

GSMarlene said...

I would leave out the title. "Childhood friends Keegan and Amelia share ..." or something like that.
There's something missing, what is humorous? Poking fun at their misfit lives from the outside, or the inside? If from the outside, lots of people won't find it humorous. If from the inside, then we need to see some of that voice here. And maybe some bigger stakes or goals for the mcs.

Bill Scott said...

Doesn't quite feel like a logline. I don't really get a sense for what the conflict is or what the stakes are.

KayC said...

I agree with the comments above, there is no humour in this and I'm not sure levitating objects gives me a paranormal feel either.

I think your logline starts with the two men who come into their lives, the rest just feels like back story to me.

Jessica Hutchison said...

I agree with comments above. The plot is clearer here than in the original but it is not compelling. Maybe something like:

Childhood friends Keegan and Amelia move into a house with ghostly whispers and levitating objects. Strange as it may seem to others, the quirky house fits these misfits just fine. When love interests come into the picture, they must (and here I get stuck...what is the conflict? do they need to hide the weirdness of the house from the love interests so that the love interests are not scared off? do they need to hide the quirkiness of the house so that it isn't condemned, etc?)

Good luck with this - seems interesting and I like to see GBLT characters in mainstream novels.

Princess Sara said...

Hmmmm. This is too long, yet at the same time too sparse on plot. Perhaps: "When misfit friends Amelia and Keegan move into a haunted house, they can't decide which is the stranger phenomenon: self-levitating paperweights, or the idea that someone might actually want to date them. But when two would-be suitors enter their reclusive lives, ."

Princess Sara said...

(Note: that space before the period is where you would insert something about their goal and the obstacles to it.)

Wendy said...

This is a tough one. I don't know your plot, so I'm just going to pose questions. Does it matter to your plot that one (or both) MCs are gay? Would the humor still be there if they weren't? Is the conflict itself humorous, or just their reactions to it? Why do they have to put up with the "intruders" in their lives? Is this the stakes? What is the choice they make?
Hope this helps.