World-Building: Making Up Your Own Games

One totally optional, but (in my opinion) totally fun aspect of world building is making up fictional games for your world. Like holidays and festivals, games unique to your world can give it a deeper feel and provide an endless source of subplots, conflicts, and climactic settings.

And they're easy to come up with: just take a real-world game and change it slightly. Put Chinese chess on a circular board and change the tiles. Play chess with holographic monsters. Combine Blitzkrieg with Stratego.

For a lot of fictional games, the rules don't actually matter. Although fans have made up rules for Avatar's Pai Sho and Song of Ice and Fire's cyvasse, nobody knows the rules used in the actual worlds because they don't matter. The writers have an idea of the basic concepts of the games (taken from the real-world games they combined) and they only reveal what they need to keep the plot moving.


But sometimes you want more than that. A critical event might turn on the outcome of a bet, like in Pirates 2 or Phantom Menace. Or your entire plot might center on a game, like Ender's Battle Room. In these cases, the reader needs to understand and care about what's going on. They need to know the rules.

If you're not into game design, keep things simple. Liars' Dice, podracing, and even the Battle Room are directly translated form real-world games. The writers only made slight alterations for their settings.

If you want something more complicated, be warned: an unbalanced game, whose rules are detailed in the story, will shatter the reader's disbelief. You can solve this by asking, "How could I break this game so that I win every time?" and then fix it, but that's getting into game design techniques, which I don't think you came here for.

Got that? Here's the summary:

• Fictional games are easy to make: take a real-world game and change it slightly.
• If the plot does not hinge on the outcome of a game: be vague about the rules.
• If the plot does hinge on the outcome: stick as close to the rules of a real-world game as possible.
• If the plot hinges on the outcome and you really, really want to come up with something unique: welcome to the world of game design, my friend. Here's a list of games to study up on.

Next week, I'll talk about one particular fantasy game that doesn't work, why it doesn't work, and why the novels end up working anyway. Until then, what are your favorite fictional games and why?

First Impact: ROGUE PRINCESS by J.J. DeBenedictis

We've got one last First Impact submission for September! This might be the last critique for which I offer a monthly prize so remember: anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

And I will still take First Impact submissions as they come in. So if you want a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Huge thanks to J.J. DeBenedictis for submitting the query for her novel, ROGUE PRINCESS. If you don't already know, J.J. runs her own excellent query critiquing/rewriting blog. You may recall she helped make my own query successful. I'm more than happy to return the favor!

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query Letter

I don't imagine necromancers with
mustaches so much, but otherwise
I love this opening.

Everyone thinks necromancers are moustache-twirlers in goth make-up and disturbing wardrobe choices. But really, they're more like Wynne--a considers himself sensitive and friendly young man who. He sees his job less as magically wrangling souls and more as offering comfort and closure to the bereaved.

The 2nd half of this sentence feels
cliche and vague to me.

So when the king tries to kill Wynne to hide the fact the queen has been murdered and reanimated, it thrusts the necromancer into a world of intrigue and violence he has no capacity for.

I'm unsure of the meaning of the
highlighted bit here.

To save his life, Wynne shimmies escapes down a drainpipe and joins the Rogues' League, a military company that offers sanctuary to criminals in exchange for service to the crown. Unfortunately, Wynne's plan to then enlist the help of the warfront necromancers disintegrates. The queen's continued un-life is weakening the walls between worlds, and Wynne's peers are too busy stopping angry souls from creeping onto the battlefield as walking dead to help Wynne crowbar the queen back out of her corpse.

I'm not sure "bigotry" is the right
term here. It makes me hate the
princess more than I think is
warranted.

In fact, the only person willing to help him is the bigotry-driven princess (also hiding out in the Rogues' League) who murdered the queen in the first place. Unfortunately, her bigotry mainly consists of hating she hates anything to do with necromancy, and Wynne isn't sure this is an alliance he can survive.

"The walls between worlds" feels
repetitive to me here.

But he has to. There's more at stake than the comfortable life he had planned. If Wynne doesn't break past the palace's security and re-kill the queen, the walls between worlds will tear, angels and demons alike will spill through to wreak havoc, and the dead will rise and begin to eat the living.

ROGUE PRINCESS is a 77,000-word fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoy the dark humor and relentless action of Joe Abercrombie's novels or Richard Morgan's A LAND FIT FOR HEROES series. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Adam's Thoughts
This sounds like fun! I think the voice and Wynne's character comes through really well, and the plot sounds intriguing. I do want a more sadistic choice to leave me wanting more (I always do, don't I?), but I think this does a good job getting the story across. I think most agents would immediately be able to tell if this was the kind of story they were into.

One thing you do want to be careful of is wordiness. You can see I trimmed a lot, and I bet you could trim even more. There's plenty of great voice and word choice here that you can stand to streamline it without losing any of it (though even I'm rethinking cutting the word "shimmies" -- it's a great image).

What do the rest of you guys think? Would you read this?

The Reality of Time Travel

"Time travel is theoretically impossible, but I wouldn't want to give it up as a plot gimmick."

— Isaac Asimov


So. Back to the Future. You know, the scene in the third movie where Marty complains they can't get the time machine to 88 mph because they'll run into a movie theater, and Doc says, "You're not thinking 4th dimensionally, Marty! When you go back to 1885, none of this will be here."

It's clever, cuz see, even though you're traveling to a different time, you're still in the same place. So while there's a movie theater in 1955, it's all prairieland in 1885. Where a bridge is under construction, 100 years later it'll be finished and you can just sail across.

But if you think about it, that's ridiculously Earth-centric.

See, during the time you skip, the Earth will have moved. For one thing, it rotates constantly. California (where the movies take place) moves through space at about 700 mph. So unless you are arriving at the exact same time of day as you left, the Earth will have shifted underneath you.

In the DeLorean's inaugural voyage, Ein would've crashed into a house 12 miles west of the mall.

Also the Earth is traveling around the sun at about 67,000 mph. So not only would you have to arrive at the exact same time of day, but also the exact same time of year (we won't talk about that quarter of a day that makes Leap Day). So Einstein would have appeared somewhere past the International Space Station.

"Was that . . . a DeLorean?"

But that's assuming the sun is our central reference point, which is just as arbitrary. Why not use the galactic center? Or the (impossible to define) center of the universe? By some measurements, Earth is shooting through the universe at over 1 million miles per hour.

Poor Ein would end up a tenth of the way to the moon. And that's just for traveling one minute in to the future. Marty's first jump would land him somewhere past Neptune. His final 100-year trip would shoot him out of the solar system entirely.

Don't get me wrong, I love time travel stories. But writing them gives me a headache.

Who's not thinking 4th dimensionally now, Doc?

The Secret to Being Awesome

Be Neil Patrick Harris.

The Secret to Getting Published

The Secret to Blogging

It needs to be fun.

Make it so.

The Perks of Being Aquaman

"Just let me know if they get near the water, guys!"

(crosspost from Anthdrawlogy's swimming week).

Twitter Horror

So I'm out of First Impact subs. I will continue to accept submissions as they come in (because, hey, one less post to think up), and September will still have a prize because I said it would, but I might not continue the prizes after that. We'll see.

In the meantime, I present to you this true story, told in tweets.

I dreamt about facehuggers last night -- that scene where Ripley and Newt are locked in a room with 2 of them :-P
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

You have to understand, guys, I HATE facehuggers. Worse than spiders, scorpions, needles, or that cat bus from Totoro.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

YES THE CAT BUS FROM TOTORO WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

The only thing that freaks me out more than facehuggers is open water.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

Anyway, I was trapped in that room with Newt and Ripley for HOURS. I woke up totally stressed out.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

I told my wife about it and tried to explain how terrible facehuggers are (she, of course, didn't really want to know).
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

I said, "We were trapped in this room right here." I slapped my hand against the bulletproof glass NOT REALIZING I WAS STILL IN THE DREAM.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

Buy a Book, Save a Baby

My friend Natalie Bahm is releasing her first book on September 28, but this isn't your normal debut.

I mean, it is a little -- bank robbers, secret tunnels, 12-year-old crushes -- but Natalie isn't selling this book for herself. All the profits are going to help Baby Jayden.

Just watch the trailer.



Jayden has been ill since birth. His parents have almost lost him at least a dozen times, and now they're struggling with a massive debt. This little guy is fighting to survive, and doing a heck of a good job with it. How much would it suck if he lost because of something stupid like money?

Plus you get a book out of it. You can pre-order it at Amazon or iTunes. Help Jayden's parents sleep better tonight (God, wouldn't that be great?).

Fixing Mary Sue

Who is Mary Sue? Mary Sue is a character that is too perfect, the one that has or does cool things just because they're cool. Everybody likes them, and anyone who doesn't gets their comeuppance in the end. Mary Sue is the author's wish fulfillment.

Sue is most common in fan fiction.* You know, where the author's character is best friends with Luke Skywalker, Jayne Cobb, and Jean-Luc Picard. I don't think there's anything wrong with Mary in these contexts, but if you're trying to get published, you want to do away with Sue.

I don't think real Mary Sues appear in fiction as often as some say they do, but they do happen.

How do you avoid this? I mean, I [try to] make a living out of writing cool characters who do awesome things. And basically every character draws from myself in some way. How do I keep my super-cool pirates/ninjas/mech pilots from becoming wish fulfillment?

Here are some ideas:

• Give them a flaw. Not an adorable non-flaw like "clumsiness," but a real flaw like "hell-bent on revenge and too proud to admit it."
• Support their awesomeness. Why are they the youngest, most clever assassin in history? Did they train harder than everyone else? Were they kidnapped at birth and brutally trained to be a killer by a father figure who never loved them?
• Make them fail. It's even better if it's their flaws that cause them to fail.
• Don't let them be the best at everything. Have other characters be better than them at some things, both friends and enemies.
• Give them likable enemies. Not just spiteful, ugly step-sisters, but characters whose opinions the reader can respect.

I don't think Mary Sue appears as much as the internet thinks she does, but it is something to watch out for. If you think you've got a Mary Sue, you need to cruelly examine everything about them and everything they do. Mess them up, make them fail, and ask why they are the way they are.

Who's Mary Sue in the end? It's you (and also Steven Seagal).

* The term 'Mary Sue' was coined by Paula Smith in 1973, when she wrote a parody Star Trek fan-fic starring Lieutenant Mary Sue, the youngest and most-loved Lieutenant in the fleet. You can read it here (page 25). It's kinda hilarious.

First Impact: DEAD RECKONING Query by Aline Carriere

We're still low on submissions for First Impact. I'm happy to continue this feature as long as there's interest, but if there isn't, I'll just drop it. To get a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

August's winner, and recipient of a 10-page critique from agent Tricia Lawrence, is maine character!

This month, anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

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A big thank you to Aline for submitting the query for her novel, DEAD RECKONING. (You may remember reading the first page here).

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.

Dear Agent,

The middle of this paragraph feels
like telling to me. I say get to the
story, so we can see what Anne does.

When eighteen-year-old Anne Davis, is captured by pirates, she may be a victim of circumstance but she refuses to be a victim, and. She uses her wits, sex and sense of justice to navigate and survive the treacherous world of 18th-Century piracy, become a legend and find love. Based on the story and characters of TREASURE ISLAND, woven with the lives of actual pirates, my historical erotic adventure novel DEAD RECKONING is complete at 75,000 words.

The 2nd sentence here moves too fast
for me. A lot of events appear out of
nowhere (it feels like).

"With her own crew": Is she a
pirate now?

The end of this gets vague (for me)
and telling again.

Both attracted to and repulsed by the brutal Captain Flint, Anne finds her place aboard the pirate ship Walrus, until she refuses to kill and is marooned on Treasure Island. Following her rescue by the Hispaniola, Anne returns to the sea with her own crew after making a rash and heartfelt promise to a young boy to bring his father home. She embarks on a star-crossed journey across an ocean, through two trials, an execution and to the brink of death, with joy and bitter loss as her life careens out of control and she travels towards her destiny. DEAD RECKONING is a character-driven story of choices, calculations and chance, as Anne decides whether to return to her life of privilege or forge her own future.

I'd cut the first two sentences, unless
you got pro rate (5+ cents/word) for
one of those markets.

I have been writing professionally as an attorney for twenty-years. Recently my stories have been published at Suspense Magazine and in the Elements of Horror anthology. Additional stories and essays may be found at www.jedlight.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Aline Carriere


Adam's Thoughts
A love a good pirate story, and there are a lot of elements here that I love, but I think you might be trying to cram too much into the query. For example, the query lists a lot of exciting things -- two trials! an execution! near death! bitter loss! -- but without context, it's just a list.

Like if I were talking about Pirates of the Carribean, I could say, "To save the governor's daughter, Will Turner must commandeer a Navy vessel, outwit the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, and face a crew of the undead before they sacrifice the girl he loves."

OR I could say, "To rescue the girl he loves, Will Turner seeks help from the thing he hates the most: a pirate. But as he tries to stay one step ahead of the Royal Navy, and the pirate who's supposedly helping him, he discovers there's more pirate in his blood than he would like to admit."

Okay, so it needs work, but do you see my point? A list without context is not as interesting as a character with a goal and an arc. It's not enough to say what Will does (seeks help from a pirate) and learns (that he is a pirate), we have to know why it matters (because he hates pirates). You can even skip things (the undead crew) for the sake of focusing on the main arc and why it matters.

I know it's not the best example, but I hope it's helpful. I bet somebody else can give you better advice in the comments.

Controlling the Internetz

Original picture by HeyGabe, creative commons.

The internet is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I mean, without it, I'd be stuck alone out here, still waiting for my hard copy of Writer's Market to show up so I could send letters to agents asking if it was okay to query them my fictional novel.

But it's kind of a time suck, yeah?

I can't say I've solved that, but here are a couple of things I've found that have helped me tremendously:

1) Take an internet sabbath.
Some people say you should unplug for a couple weeks or a month. Maybe that's right for you. To me, a month-long break just means 600 e-mails I'll have to slog through when I come back online.

But one day a week? I can totally do that. I have been for nearly a year now. It's not always easy, but it definitely reminds me that I don't have to be All Online, All The Time.

2) Study (and limit) your internet usage.
There are lots of browser extensions that can help tell you how much time you waste spend on certain sites, and can also limit your usage.

For Firefox, I used Mind the Time to track how much time I spend and where, and once I know that, I use LeechBlock to cut off my usage after a certain time. Safari and Chrome have a similar extension (that I've never used, but it looks solid) called WasteNoTime.


They're not perfect, but these things definitely help me pay attention to why I'm on the computer.

Do you manage your time? How do you do it?

Wrecked by Critiques (and Dealing With It)

Original Picture: Sam Sanford

I know revisions are where good novels are made. I know it. But getting notes back from my critique partners always wrecks me. It's like getting punched in my fear of failure over and over and over and over.

Here's how I deal with it.

1. I have a rule: no reading critiques right before bed. Critiques either make me despair, or else drive my brain into a planning frenzy trying to fix things. Either way, I sleep terribly when this happens.

2. Read it all in one go. No sense in dragging out the torture.

3. Eat some bacon.

4. Write down the major things that need work. Once I see it as a list, I usually realize there's only a couple of things that will take more than a sentence-change to fix (granted, there's a thousand sentence changes, but . . . ).

5. Take a break. My brain needs time to process how to fix things. Optionally: repeat step #3.

6. Make a plan. I don't know about you, but by the time I have a plan (and some bacon), I feel all better.

What about you? Are you wrecked by critiques (and if not, who are you)? What do you do about it?

First Impact: BLOOM by Ranee Clark

HEY! We're done with August, but I have nothing to critique for September! If you want your query letter, first page, or back cover copy critiqued here, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

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A big thank you to Ranee for submitting the query for her YA fantasy, BLOOM.

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query

This part doesn't come across like
you'd think it would. Cut it.

In BLOOM, a Young Adult fantasy novel complete at 86,000 words, the comfortably sweet yet still sassy voice of Finna Claremont will captivate readers.

Not sure why the italics. Otherwise,
this is a decent start.

Born into one of the Big Three families of the Enchanter realm, 17-year-old Finna Claremont’s lineage—yeah, lineage—should mean she’ll make a great guardian…. Right.?
 

This is a big paragraph. Can it be
broken up?

I'm in for this whole thing until the
last two sentences. It gets vague, and
I don't see a compelling choice like
I want to.

Finna’s screwed up everything from transporting to blocking her thoughts since she was little, so when a fairy declares Finna has special responsibilities to protect her world, it shocks everyone, including Finna. To prove she can hack it as a guardian, Finna sets out to stop an evil politician threatening the rights of all Enchanters. She’ll have to trust the last person she ever expected to befriend (not to mention fall in love with) to pull it off. And trusting Liam Monroe isn’t as easy as it sounds. Because he’s a Monroe. They’ve hated the Claremonts for a hundred years, and the feeling is mutual. There’s a lot more than family honor riding on the line if Finna fails to measure up. She’ll have to count on her fledgling powers or else watch the world she knows disappear.

Brief and to the point. Good.

I am the president of my American Night Writers Association chapter where I volunteer my cold-hearted manuscript reviewing services. If you would like to consider BLOOM, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Ranee` S. Clark
raneesclark.blogspot.com
ANWA PM Writers President

Adam's Thoughts
This is a solid start. The story sounds cool, the character and conflict are clear, and you've got a strong, fun voice.

Which brings me to point #1: Don't tell us what the voice is. Show us. Don't say it will captivate readers. Captivate us.

I think you did a great job of showing the voice in the rest of the query, but it's funny how saying what the voice is has the opposite effect intended. Like if a guy asks you out and says, "I promise I'm not a creepy stalker who'll research your personal history on Facebook."

He might be telling the truth, but it feels weird.

Point #2: a compelling choice. I know I harp on this, but that's because it works. "Do or die" is not really a choice. We all know she's going to try, else there wouldn't be a story. What makes her situation impossible? What makes us think we have no idea what we would do in her shoes?

But all in all, this feels like a great start to me. What do the rest of you guys think? What would you change?

How to Get Good at Something

I have to tell myself this every time I start a new novel.

"Hey, I've got this idea for a book. Maybe you could write it for me..."

This is why I'm politely noncommittal when people tell me their ideas.

First Impact: Out of the Water by Deniz Bevan

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

To continue this feature, we need stuff to critique! Send your queries, first pages, etc. to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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A big thank you to long-time reader Deniz for submitting the query for her historical romance, OUT OF THE WATER. (Also thank you for coming in well under the 300-word limit. My wife and children thank you.)

Keep in mind all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query Letter

Maybe mention the year right away?

Not sure how I feel about this final
line.

Eighteen-year-old Rosa becomes separated from her family as they flee their Spanish homeland, and the Inquisition. Now her one hope of reaching Constantinople and reuniting with her family lies with a stranger, Baha, an artist returning to the Ottoman Empire. As they travel together, Rosa's drive to find her loved ones is matched by a deepening desire for the man at her side.

I think we skipped the bit where she
reunited with her family.

Again, not sure about the last line.

Yet her family refuses to accept this man of a different faith. Constantinople was meant to be her family's refuge, but when janissaries arrest her father and brother, Rosa and Baha risk their lives to rescue them. Together they will prove that their love can withstand their differences... if the Grand Vizier doesn't throw them both in the dungeons first.

OUT OF THE WATER is complete at 115,000 words. I hope you find my 15th-Century historical romance a good fit for your interests.

Italicize the newspaper title?

I have lived and worked in Turkey, and my non-fiction work, including travel articles, book reviews and personal essays, has most recently appeared in the trilingual (English, French, and Turkish) newspaper Bizim Anadolu.

 

Not sure whether this is necessary.

Initial drafts of OUT OF THE WATER were revised through participation in author Barbara Rogan's invitation-only Next Level Workshop.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Deniz Bevan

 

 

Adam's Thoughts

You know, Deniz, this feels really strong to me. You've got a strong character, goal, obstacles, and -- if not a sadistic choice -- at least very strong stakes. I'm just going to explain a couple of my comments up there, then let the commenters at it (who, of course, may have an entirely different opinion).

Last line of the 1st paragraph. I'm not sure what strikes me as off about this line. It's minor. Maybe it's the abstract comparison of her drive and her desire, when I want something more specific (but how can you get specific about love? I don't know).

Last line of the 2nd paragraph. I didn't realize it at first, but I think what I'm missing here is a choice. Their goal and stakes are strong (save her family, possibly die trying), but it's not as compelling as a sadistic choice. I kind of assume she's going to save them, so what's going to entice me to read on at this point, to say, "How the heck is she going to do that?"

The more I think about it, the more I think that's the big lack. Everything else is here.

As for nitpicking the bio paragraphs, they look pretty solid to me. I'm very much of the "less is more" philosophy of bio paragraphs, so I do question things like whether you need to talk about your non-fiction work (though writing for a Turkish newspaper is cool) or whether agents are likely to care what workshops were used to revised it (even prestigious ones). Your story is strong enough for me that I don't think you need those things, but it's your call.

What do the rest of you guys think? Does it need a choice? Am I being too picky about the bios? Should "15th-century" be hyphenated or not? (I'm kidding. The answer to the last question is "yes.")

Connecting With a Character (and Dr. Horrible)

One of the most important things we need to do as writers is help the reader connect with the character. But what the heck does that mean?

It means the character is sympathetic. We like them and want them to succeed. They don't even have to be a good guy. They can be a villian, like Dr. Horrible.

Dr. Horrible is one of the most sympathetic villains I've ever seen (and I won't spoil the series except to say he gets even more sympathetic). What makes us root for him can work for any character, good or bad.

THEY'RE LIKEABLE
Dr. Horrible: "Ok, dude, you are not my nemesis.... I'm just trying to change the world, ok? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka. Besides, there's kids in that park..."

The traits we like in real people work just as well for our characters. They're honest, nice, noble, brave, humble, funny. They play fair and sacrifice for others.

Dr. Horrible isn't all of these things, but he strives not to kill. He's self-deprecating. He really is working for the people (even if he sees those people as sheep, sometimes).


THEY EXCEL AT SOMETHING
Dr. Horrible: "I got a letter from Bad Horse."
Moist: "That's so hard core. Bad Horse is legend. He rules the League with an iron hoof."

They might be pathetic or ignorant or victims of everything. They might not even succeed, but a character that excels at something is a character worth rooting for. Even if Dr. Horrible's inventions don't work perfectly, the fact is he has a (mostly) working transmatter ray, freeze ray, and he can remotely hijack an armored van. That's pretty awesome, if you ask me.


THEY HAVE A GOAL
Dr. Horrible: "It's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not . . . quo. The world is a mess and I just . . . need to rule it."

If we're going to root for the character, we need to know what they're striving for. It's hard to cheer from the sidelines if you have no idea how one scores a goal.

And it needs to be a goal we agree with. Ruling the world may not be the most sympathetic vision, but Dr. Horrible's motivation certainly is.


THEY FAIL
Dr. Horrible: "[reading fan mail] 'Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your Transmatter Ray? Obviously, it failed or it would be in the papers.' Well, no. They're not gonna say anything in the press, but behold! Transported from there to here! [pokes a bag of gold liquid] The molecules tend to . . . shift during the transmatter, uh, event. But they were transported in bar form..."

Once we're rooting for them, we feel every failure, and every step back makes the victory that much more awesome.

No, I'm not going to tell you whether Dr. Horrible succeeds. You have to watch it.

Seriously, go watch it.

A Tale of Two Johns

(remix)

This is an old story from the computer game world, but there are lessons here for everyone, even writers.

In 1990, id Software was formed by two men: John Carmack and John Romero. Over the next 6 years, id redefined PC gaming and the first-person shooter genre with games like Wolfenstein 3D, Doom, and Quake. Romero is even credited with coining the term "deathmatch."

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about to this point, here's the summary: Carmack and Romero made really good games; they were kind of a big deal).

The PC gaming world was theirs. Carmack licensed the Quake engine to multiple game developers -- including Valve, who used it to make the even more groundbreaking Half Life. Professional gaming took off with QuakeCon. Everyone wanted to be id.

(Translation: They made lots of money).

But after Quake hit the shelves in 1996, Romero quit (actually he was fired, but he was going to quit anyway). His plans were ambitious, and he felt Carmack and the others were stifling him. Carmack, meanwhile, felt that Romero wasn't realistic.

(The two Johns parted ways).

Carmack -- the technical powerhouse of id -- pushed the envelope with Quake II and Quake III: Arena. Good games, well-received, and very, very pretty. But where they pushed things technically, their general design stayed the same. To the point where Quake III was little more than a deathmatch arena with no substance.

(Carmack's games were technically beautiful, but not very compelling).

Romero's company released this ad
months before Christmas.

Romero, meanwhile, now had the freedom to be as ambitious as he wanted. He proudly announced his masterpiece, Daikatana, would hit the shelves by Christmas the next year. They would use the Quake engine, so the technical aspect would be taken care of, leaving him and his designers only to design.

(Romero thought he didn't need Carmack's technical expertise).

Christmas came and went with no Daikatana. Carmack had released Quake II by then, and Romero realized his masterpiece looked dated. He grabbed the new engine, not realizing it was so different from the one he knew it would require an entire rewrite of his precious game.

(Romero realized technology mattered. He tried to catch up and failed, badly).

Three years later, Daikatana had become a joke. It was made worse when the game was released with outdated graphics, crappy AI, and unforgivable loading times.

(Romero's game was super late, ugly, and impossible to play).

Carmack thought that technical expertise made a game. Romero thought it was creativity and design. The truth is both are necessary to make a quality game.

It's the same in writing (told you there was a lesson). Technical expertise -- your skill with prose, structure, and grammar -- can make for a well-written story, but one that is thoroughly boring to read.

Creative design -- compelling plot, characters, and conflict -- can create a brilliant story, but if the technical aspects aren't there, it will be an unreadable mess.

Don't sacrifice one for the other. You need both to succeed.

First Impact: Dead Reckoning by Aline Carriere

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

If you want your material critiqued, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Thank you to Aline for submitting the first page of her erotic historical adventure novel, Dead Reckoning. (Don't worry if erotic isn't your thing -- it isn't mine either, but the page below is totally PG).

Keep in mind all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


First Page
(Author's Note: The reference to Flint from "Treasure Island" is intentional as "Treasure Island" is an integral part of the book.) 

The pirates found Anne below and roughly brought dragged [or some stronger verb] her to the deck of the ship. They pawed at her and pulled at her clothes; her hair unraveled and fell in golden curls on her shoulders. When she pushed their hands away, others took their place.

“Here comes Flint,” one of the men said and they stopped their jostling. “Look what we found below, Cap’n.” The men parted and revealed Anne disheveled, confused and trembling.

“Where is Captain Cole?” she demanded. Flint glared at her with piercing green eyes and she looked down. No sooner had she done so, he He lifted her chin with his hand and forced her to confront him. Flint was a name even she had heard whispered in fear – a pirate who was a curse to the civilized world and a legend among pirates. She fought to meet his stare. She did not want to appear weak, but her body betrayed her. She could not stop from shaking and tears formed in her eyes. She sensed his command and strength and in horror realized he was her only hope.

A couple phrases here made me
question whose POV we're in.

“Your Captain and those of the crew who would not join us are dead.” Flint took in the struggle within her and dropped his hand. She did not look down, but rather at the men around her as though to challenge them.

What mess is he talking about?

“Gregor, take her to the great cabin,” Flint said, “and the rest of you sort this mess before I get my whip.” He walked past her without looking at her again.

In the last sentence, I just think the
humor hits better if 'considerably'
is applied only to the second one.

Anne Davis, newly turned eighteen, was had been a passenger bound from Boston to Bristol aboard the Merrilee on a glorious April day in 17 – with a cargo of molasses, spirits and rum. She had been on her way to meet her fiancé for the first time across the ocean;, an arrangement she looked forward to with dread and hope, and which had now been replaced with considerably more dread and considerably less hope.




Adam's Thoughts
If I read erotic novels, I would absolutely keep reading this. It's well written, with voice, tension, and two great characters from the start. We learn a lot about Anne even before the final paragraph, just in the way she responds to Flint with both fear and attempted challenge, and in how "even she" had heard Flint's name.

And Flint, too, is an interesting character. He steps onto the stage with authority, but shows a hint of compassion as he sees her fear and chooses to drop his hand. It's such a tiny gesture, but it speaks a lot.

I honestly don't have a lot to say about this. The only thing is I'd be careful of sticking inside Anne's POV. There were just a couple of phrases here and there that threw me out of her head for a moment: when the men "revealed" Anne in para. 2, and then in para. 4 when Flint takes in her struggle (made me wonder how she knew he was doing that) and again when looks at the crew "as though" to challenge them (doesn't she know whether she's challenging them or not? I'd say something like "in a weak attempt at challenging them" or something).

But that's me being nit-picky. You really did a great job with this, Aline, as far as I'm concerned.

What do the rest of you think?

In Favor of Drawing Maps

You guys know I love maps. And though I sometimes resort to quick and dirty tricks to make one, mostly my maps are a labor of love -- one I spend way too many hours on.

It may surprise you, then, that I almost never draw them.

I know, right? I'm willing to draw cheap puns, but not a map for my beloved world. What I usually do is find a map generator that lets me specify parameters and hit the random button a bunch of times until I find something I like. (If that's your style, btw, this program might suit you just fine).

I thought drawing a map would feel artificial. Like it wouldn't look like a map, or it would be too obvious that I created geographical features just to support my story. I thought I needed a map to be given to me, to "discover" the world in a more natural way.

So I would spend hours and hours searching for a generator and clicking "Generate Random Map" until I found one I thought I could work with. Not realizing that I knew what I wanted to work with the whole time and could've sketched it up in a few minutes.

I honestly thought I was saving myself time. The truth (that I'm only now seeing) is that I was afraid of doing it wrong.

When you draw your own map:

• It's faster.
• You get exactly what you want.
• You're reminded just how big a world really is.

 And as for doing it wrong? It's really hard:

• It doesn't have to be pretty, just good enough for you to write from.
• You don't have to be able to draw a straight line. In fact, you shouldn't ever.
• You get to revise.

Let me say that again: YOU GET TO REVISE. My fear of doing it wrong? It's exactly the same fear I have every time I start a first draft. As writers, we know revision is not a bad thing; it's the only thing.

I don't know why I thought map-making was any different.

Have you ever made your own maps? How did you go about it, and what would you do differently next time?

Avenger Pigeons

These guys came out of a very odd conversation between me and Susan Quinn. Something about a way to get paper copies of her books past Thailand's Swiss cheese postal system -- like armored carrier pigeons.

You've seen Avengers, right? If not, why the heck not?

And if you have, can you please tell Authoress why she needs to see it? (And whether she really needs to see all the movies leading up to it. I vote no, provided she gives me twenty minutes to explain the origins of the four main characters.)

First Impact: The Eyelet Dove by Lindsay Kitson

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency, if you share your thoughts in the comments. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

If you want your material critiqued, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Thank you to Lindsay for submitting the back cover copy of her Dieselpunk novel, The Eyelet Dove.

Keep in mind all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Back Cover Copy

I love the elements here, but I feel
like this opening could be trimmed.

Avalice’s impoverished middle class grows restless with the indulgences and warmongering of their King and nobles in their flying fortresses and chateaus in the sky.

This feels like backstory, so I'm now
wondering if all these details really
have to be here.

Ten years ago, Etienne formed the Machinists union, and wrote a book, The Manifesto Machina, about the equality of all people. When the King ordered the disbandment of his union, they refused and the king had them slaughtered, Etienne thrown in prison, and every known copy of The Manifesto Machina burned.

Now Etienne is on a conditional release, serving in the military as an engineer. But when cheaply printed copies of The Manifesto Machina are distributed in the capitol, he’s the first one everyone suspects. The Admiral tries to keep him from the firing squad, but by the time Etienne finds out who reprinted his book, he realizes he can’t turn his back on his beliefs, and joins them.

I know these will connect (I can see
it down there), but this feels like a
whole new story to me. It's a little
jarring.

Meanwhile, on the Dreadnaught Omnipotent, a flying aircraft carrier, Claire dreams of being Avalice’s first female fighter pilot. But when her dream comes true, she finds herself embroiled in intrigue surrounding the Admiral’s prodigal bastard son, ace pilot Michel. When Michel is suspected of murdering a nobleman, Claire is caught in the middle, trying to uncover Michel’s true motives.

Here it feels like it unravels a bit.
It's good and exciting, but I think it
loses focus a little.

While Etienne stirs up a revolution, the King gets word of a saboteur planted on the Omnipotent, known only as the Eyelet Dove, with a mission to cripple the military when Etienne’s rebels attack. The Admiral must find and arrest the Eyelet Dove before he has a chance to act, and when Avalines take up arms against Avalines, Claire's loyalty will be tested.


Adam's Thoughts
I have a confession. When you said, "the Dreadnaught Omnipotent, a flying aircraft carrier," I said, "Oh HECK yes!"

Yeah, so, I'm easy.

There is a lot of cool stuff here. It sounds like a really solid story that I absolutely would read. I think the only thing it really needs is a little trimming and a little focus.

The trimming comes in deciding which plot points to talk about and which to summarize. For example, the entire 2nd paragraph could be summarized by introducing Etienne in the 3rd paragraph as "former revolutionary Etienne." The trick is deciding what's important enough to stick in here. It's hard to say without having read your story, but as a guideline: (1) Get to the main plot as soon as possible (no backstory, if you can help it) and (2) no history of characters who are not the main character.

Which brings me to the focus. Claire's sadistic choice is the one we're left with at the end, which makes me feel like she's the main character. If Etienne is also a main character, then sure: he can have a full paragraph (though I'd like it if they were connected more). But if his revolution is just the foil for Claire's story, then Etienne doesn't need to be mentioned at all.

Finally, I felt like that last paragraph lost focus a little. To be more specific, it talked about what "the Admiral" must do, for example, when the Admiral is not a character we care about. And it doesn't tell us why Claire's loyalty will be tested, which lessens the impact of the choice.

But as I said, if I had read this as-is, I probably would've peeked at the opening pages. This really does sound like something I'd enjoy.

What's your opinion, guys? How could this be improved?

Speculative Fiction: A Diagram

Following up our conversation a couple weeks ago, I present Adam Heine's Official Definition of Speculative Fiction:

1. Speculative Fiction is an umbrella term covering everything that is either science fiction or fantasy.

2. Science Fiction and Fantasy are the two main branches of speculative fiction. Sometimes they overlap.

3. Horror is fiction intended to frighten or scare. It could be sci-fi, fantasy, both, or neither.

4. Magical Realism is not sci-fi, but to quote Terry Pratchett, it's "like a polite way of saying you write fantasy."

5. Everything Else -- paranormal, utopian, dystopian, superhero, apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic, alternate history, urban fantasy, weird fiction, supernatural, and all of the -punks -- is a sub-genre of sci-fi/fantasy.

Among other things, this means there is no speculative fiction that is not either sci-fi or fantasy. You will be very hard-pressed to convince me otherwise.

Here, I made a diagram to help.

Why Your World is Boring

(remix)

I'm always surprised when someone who loves fantasy tells me they haven't read The Lord of the Rings. I mean, this book is fantasy. And it's awesome! Why have so many people not read it?

I'll give you three reasons: world-building infodumps, plot-stopping songs, and unintelligible languages.

Listen, I know these are what make LotR what it is. I KNOW. But you have to understand that for a first-time reader -- someone who is totally unfamiliar with Middle Earth -- these parts are boring.

Tolkien loved his world -- and rightfully so; it's amazing. But the truth is that if Tolkien tried to pitch it today as his debut novel, he'd be told to cut the word count in half, split the story into smaller parts (oh wait), and for Pete's sake use a 'k' instead of a hard 'c' in your fantasy names!

Sorry.

Many of us who write fantasy fell in love with it because of books like Tolkien's. We created our own worlds, with new races and cultures and politics and histories and languages. We wrote a story in that world.

But you know what happened? Our story became more about the world than the story. And it was boring.

Now we're full grown authors. We know about character and conflict. We're good with pacing and tension. But every once in a while, we start our story off with an infodump prologue, or we toss a 70-line poem into our story "to flesh out the world."

People don't want to read about your world. They want interesting characters to root for. They want a compelling plot. Give them these things and only then will they listen to whatever you've got to say about the history of the Sidhe (or why it's pronounced 'she').

Readers that love your characters will love your world, not the other way around.

What about you? Did you get into fantasy because of Tolkien? Where do you stand on stuff like this:

Go on, John Ronald. Tell me why this was necessary.

First Impact: The Show Must Not Go On by J. Kaitlin Adams

Time for another First Impact critique. But first: July's winner, who gets to choose between $10 for Amazon/B&N OR a 20-page critique from me, iiiiiiiis . . . Stephanie Scott! Congratulations, Stephanie.

And for August, we have a special prize: a 10-page critique from my agent, Tricia Lawrence! To be eligible, all you have to do is share your thoughts in the comments of any First Impact post this month. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

If you want your material critiqued, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Thank you to Kaitlin for submitting the first page of her YA fantasy. Keep in mind all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it.

Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Opening Page

Right from the start, I'm interested
in this strange relationship she has
with her parents. Nice.

My talent was about the only thing that made my parents happy. And But in my sixteen years of experience, I had learned their happiness usually ended in my suffering. So when they called my name for dinner, their voices high and excited, a hard knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I walked into the kitchen where they sat at the table, holding hands and smiling. The knot in my stomach grew.

“Lori,” Mom said, “sit down.”

I stayed where I was. Our best silver platters were piled high with fish, chicken, and rice. Fruit and rolls topped our porcelain bowls. And our crystal pitchers were filled to the brim with tea. Eating well was not rare for us. Eating for a family of ten was. I had spent the past five hours outside, practicing my talent, unaware Mom was cooking such a feast.

“Your mother and I,” Dad said, “have decided-”

This felt a little strange to me, since
she had just called Lori down to talk
(presumably). Maybe if she just called
her for dinner at first, instead?

“Wait until after dinner,” Mom said.

“Why?”

“She’ll need a full stomach. It’ll be a lot to take in.”

Dad squeezed Mom’s hand and grinned. “Right. Sit down and eat up, Lori.”

Not sure how I feel about this simile.
I like that she's relating her value
to something in the scene, but then it
breaks when the fish's parents are
brought up.

I hadn’t seen Dad that happy in ages. Any appetite I had had left, disappeared. I sat, and after they filled their plates with food, I didn’t touch any of it. They exchanged a glance. It wasn’t like the food was poisoned. If I died, my talent would die with me, and then I’d be about as valuable as the platter of dead fish were to their parents. I just figured the longer I took to finish dinner, the longer I could prolong put off what they were about to tell me.

Minor nitpick: In the last paragraph
it sounds like she's not going to eat
at all. This almost feels like giving
in to me (even though I know it's not).

I put a couple of bites of fish and a roll on my plate. Even after my parents had eaten all their food, I still had most of the fish and half a roll left on mine. They watched me, their hands still eintertwined, hardly able to control the twitching of their lips. Mom’s free fingers drummed the table. Every few minutes or so, Dad sighed, as if that would hurry me along.

I pinched off a piece of my roll, about the size of my fingernail. I looked at it, turned it over, smelled it-

This made me laugh out loud.

“EAT!” Dad yelled.

Adam's Thoughts
There's a lot of interesting stuff here: a wry voice, a strange relationship between Lori and her parents, a mysterious talent, and an even more mysterious announcement.

The voice really drew me in. It's not just Lori's snark about her situation -- I've seen that before -- but also the almost comical actions of her parents that make me like them (even though they somehow make the protagonist suffer).

My only real complaint about this is that even after 370 words (yes, I do count -- if people start going overboard regularly, I'm going to have to cut them off ;-), I still don't know what any of the mysteries are. Not that I want everything explained up front, but I feel like we could get there sooner, or at least get some hints here and there, like a puzzle to solve.

But it's really hard to say, because this is only the first page, and for all I know everything is answered in the next line. But hey, the sooner you can hook the reader with your cool gimmick, the better, right?

Anyway, that's just my opinion. What do the rest of you think?

NOTE: Kaitlin has a revised version in the comments. You are welcome to critique either one.