First Impact: GRIMOIRE by Marcy

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win a 15-page critique from author Jodi Meadows.

And this feature can only continue with your submissions! If you have a query letter, first page, or even back cover blurb you'd like critiqued, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Thank you, Marcy, for letting us take a look at your YA Historical Paranormal. As always, this is just my opinion. You are welcome to disagree.


Chapter One ~ February 1805

The last sentence threw me off on my
first read. I think the problem is the
first sentences are a bit misleading.

It was a fine day for a sale, brisk but sunny; -- a good day for traveling, as evidenced by the crowd in the lane. Most came to buy. Some came out of curiosity. But none of them noticed her sitting in the hall, left with nothing but a single trunk.

I love this paragraph. Great voice.
Great emotion. Totally draws me in.

Arlen watched them, blinking back furious tears, winding her fingers together so tight it hurt. She itched to slap their hands away from whatever they touched, snatch back what they'd bought. How dare they? These were her things!

Except they weren't.

Not anymore.

How long ago did this happen? How
fresh is her pain?

This last sentence is a bit awkward.

It had been an accident according to the coroner. Her parents, coming home from a dinner party in nearby Saxton Greene, were killed when their carriage careened into the pond at the entrance to the property. They were found with their driver all frozen and stiff the next morning when one of the kitchen maids walked in from the village.

And according to Mr. P. T. James Esquire, Ssolicitor to her father's estate, there was no money, therefore, nothing to bequest bequeath. In fact, the estate's debts were such that everything would have to be sold.

Now all the pretty things her parents had collected, the baubles and crystal lamps, the paintings in their gilt frames, the plants in the conservatory - even the lovely gown she was supposed to wear for her coming out ball - were walking out in the hands of strangers.

It was all she could do not to scream.


Adam's Thoughts
What a horrible day for Arlen. This is such a great start -- I'm feeling Arlen's pain and wondering what the heck is going to happen to her (does she become Batman? Please tell me she becomes Batman).

The only major thing I want to say about this is about the opening paragraph. It feels tricksy to me, but not in a good way. I like the irony of it -- that it's a nice day for a sale, but the sale totally sucks. But I don't like feeling like I was tricked into believing one thing, when the story's about another.

I also noticed a lot of little errors here and there -- misplaced commas, bad capitals, misused semicolons, etc. Not so much that I think you can't write (you obviously can, and well), but enough that I noticed.

On the one hand, I understand you shouldn't have to worry about these things until the meat of the story is polished. I get that.

On the other hand, I consider them to be our katas. Ultimately, we should be so familiar with them we don't even think about them anymore. We just do it right. I say this for everyone, myself included. Learn to care :-)

What do you guys think about this piece? Does the opening paragraph work for you? If not, how would you fix it?

How to Beat Your Fears

Step #1: Get in the ring.

MSFV's Logline Critiques, Revision Round

The entries have been posted for Miss Snark's First Victim's Logline Critique Revision Round.* Each one you critique will earn you an entry toward October's First Impact prize: a 15-page critique from Jodi Meadows, author of INCARNATE.

A logline is one or two sentences that answers the question, "What's the book about?" To critique them, you just need to say whether it sounds interesting and why or why not.

And a big welcome to the logline authors! If I messed something up, shoot me an e-mail. I hope the critiques you get here will be useful (they should be; we have some very talented readers). And [plug] if you ever need a query or first page critique, feel free to send those in as well [/plug].

* Blog feed subscribers may have to click over to the blog to read them.

Logline Revision Critiques #26

TITLE: My Sister's Dating a Serial Killer
GENRE: YA Thriller
Original critique on MSFV

High school's a bummer for sixteen-year-old Cameo "Cammie" Carter who must stop her eighteen-year-old sister from dating a serial killer. The only way is to get hard evidence on him, but if Cammie doesn't hurry, the killer might just put her and her sister on his To Do Murder List.

Logline Revision Critiques #25

TITLE: Jennifer Strange

GENRE: YA Paranormal Horror
Original critique on MSFV

Fifteen-year-old Ghost Hunter Marcus must protect his family from a soul-eating wraith but his only hope is Jennifer Strange who doesn't believe she can touch ghosts.

Logline Revision Critiques #24

TITLE: The Wanderers

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Clouds of dead souls are filling the skies of Erion. When a ruthless scientist professes to have found a solution, Rhanee travels back in time to find a way to free the dead before he succeeds and claims ultimate power as his reward.

Logline Revision Critiques #23

TITLE: Artashad

GENRE: Historical

Original critique on MSFV

When exiled Prince Tiridates hears how his people suffer under Persian occupation, he convinces the Romans to send a liberating force to Armenia. The Roman warlords have their own motives, and the Persians will violently defend their claim, but if Tiridates must achieve the throne or his nation will cease to exist.

Logline Revision Critiques #22

TITLE: DEATHLESS
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

When an army of ancient monsters threatens to overrun her country, 17-year-old fugitive, Zee, joins the army to win a reprieve from her death sentence, only to discover that she is the key to awakening the centuries-old goddesses the monsters are fighting to free.

Logline Revision Critiques #21

TITLE: Amongst
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

No one has ever left Verandale…at least not with their body still wrapped around their soul.
But thirteen year-old Enoch believes he has discovered a way to escape.

Logline Revision Critiques #20

TITLE: Twenty-Four Hour Boy
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade
Original critique on MSFV

Up all night, every night, ten-year old gadget-maker Hunter Harris is happy with his freakish lifestyle. Unfortunately, when Hunter reports a strange light and noises in the night and then a murder next door his parents question his sanity and Hunter has to prove that he was telling the truth or risk losing his secret life forever.

Logline Revision Critiques #19

TITLE: BREAK FREE

GENRE: YA FANTASY

Original critique on MSFV

Indentured servant Kiel Reaux has one goal: deliver a spell-stone to his boss, the Baron of Old Town, and earn his freedom before his chains become a noose. But when the delivery goes balls up, and lands him in the hands of slavers, Kiel is sold to a priestess who promises him freedom if he escorts her through a murderous magical jungle. Caught between the deadly jungle and the equally deadly Baron who’s tired of waiting for his spell-stone, freedom becomes the least of Kiel’s problems. Freedom means nothing if he’s dead.

Logline Revision Critiques #18

TITLE:  Listening In The Snow

GENRE: Middle Grade Fiction

Original critique on MSFV

In the deep of a dark Vermont winter, eleven-year-old Nathan Hayes, a shy stutterer, breaks into the long-abandoned Specter house, willing to brave its legendary ghosts in order to find the magic charm he believes will bring his mother home.

Logline Revision Critiques #17

TITLE: The Duct Tape, Cereal Box Knight
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

When an oversized eleven-year-old with a penchant for creative recycling unites two halves of an oyster shell, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of storms that threaten to flood the world. To stop the catastrophe, he'll have to slay a sinister dragon who bears more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears.

Logline Revision Critiques #16

TITLE: The Disappointment Country

GENRE: Adventure/thriller

Never dare someone who runs on one leg. When idealistic outdoorsman Cutter overcomes his amputation to build an “adventure ranch” in remote Colorado, a vengeful former mentor with a war-crimes secret schemes to take it over to hide a mercenary training operation. Cutter must survive wildfire set by a beautiful pawn and a midnight mountain bike chase to save Double Dare Ranch.

Logline Revision Critiques #15

TITLE: FORCED TO FLY

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Lori Gibbs can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten. If Lori fails, she'll hang.

Logline Revision Critiques #14

TITLE: Vitro/Vivo

GENRE: Sci-Fi dystopia

Original critique on MSFV

When Vitro geneticist Drei stumbles across a conspiracy to eradicate her City's life-saving genetic material, she is forced to flee the City before she can find out who is behind the conspiracy or how to stop them. In order to survive the wild lands outside and find a way back in, she must forge a reluctant partnership with Jag, one of the violent, superstitious Vivos, as they discover it is not only Drei's people who are in danger of extinction.

Logline Revision Critiques #13

TITLE: Flint
GENRE: YA Dystopian/Post-Apocalyptic
Original critique on MSFV

In the plague-decimated shell of America, Bekka has no one but her younger sister, who has been inexplicably abducted by the military settlement scouts responsible for her father’s murder six years ago. When one scout returns, claiming she’s had a change of heart, Bekka is sure she’s lying. But accepting the scout's help might be the only way for Bekka to bring her sister home.

Logline Revision Critiques #12

TITLE: The Sculptor
GENRE: Suspense Thriller
Original critique on MSFV

An American graduate student in Rome is targeted by a serial killer, The Sculptor, as the prized masterpiece in his growing collection of plastered victims. After uncovering the family secrets that draws him to her, she ultimately must rely on those secrets to turn the tables on The Sculptor in a terrifying confrontation.

Logline Revision Critiques #11

TITLE: Havoc's Knot

GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Logline: Jake had no idea a trip to the local museum would transform him from wallflower to warrior. When he accidentally takes the place of another boy, he also takes on a prophecy not intended for him. Now he must defeat the wolf king if he ever wants to see home again, or keep the people he loves alive.

Logline Revision Critiques #10

TITLE: Unwritten

GENRE: Contemporary Romance

Original critique on MSFV

Singer/songwriter Katherine Hayes has worked hard to achieve superstar status, and to guard a tragic secret from her past. When her estranged mother launches a smear campaign that threatens everything, Kate finds unlikely refuge with college professor Josh Randall, a man who sees through her defenses but is unwilling to take chances with his own heart. Now, Kate must overcome her traumatic past to repair her reputation and fight for her chance at love.

Logline Revision Critiques #9

TITLE: NOOKS & GRANNIES
GENRE: Humorous Paranormal
Original critique on MSFV

NOOKS & GRANNIES reveals childhood friends Keegan and Amelia as the late-bloomers they are--accepting their respective quirks and his homosexuality--while coping with ghostly whispers and levitating objects in Keegan's grandmother’s house. Comfortable with their misfit status, they now must learn how to react when two young men come along to shake up their mostly reclusive lives.

Logline Revision Critiques #8

TITLE: Through the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
Original critique on MSFV

When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. If Izzy fails, both her sister and the Changelings will end up as ingredients in the queen's youth elixir.

Logline Revision Critiques #7

TITLE: Beyond Chains and Stars

GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

Original critique on MSFV

When twins Chosi and Juhan are stolen from their home world and sold into slavery, they vow to return home. But with Chosi in the gladiator arena and her brother sold into political intrigue, keeping that vow might kill them.

Logline Revision Critiques #6

TITLE: Elemental Fire
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV

Revised logline:
Grieving fourteen-year-old Brook discovers a gate to another world and inadvertently carries the gate key to the hub world of Tirasvara. Merrick, a stranded madman, seeks the key to control travel between Tirasvara and parallel Earths. Merrick’s plans would destroy all existing gates. If Brook doesn’t return it to her own world, while fighting the temptation use the key to flee to a world where her mother still lives, she’ll cause the same destruction.

Alternate format:
When fourteen-year-old Brook follows her physicist father though a gate to the world of Tirasvara, she discovers a plot to alter the physical laws governing travel between parallel worlds. If she can’t stop a madman determined to control access to all worlds, physical disasters will reverberate through her world and destroy her gateway home.

Logline Revision Critiques #5

TITLE: Dias de los Muertos: Days of the Dead

GENRE: Middle Grade

Original critique on MSFV

Thirteen-year-old Fortunato is left as the reluctant head of his dysfunctional family when his abusive father dies. After finding a 500-year-old journal, Fortunato learns of an ancient Aztec curse that threatens to destroy him and the rest of his family. Can he pacify the ghost of a murdered Aztec woman by replacing the artifact his ancestor stole, or will the death curse that has haunted his family for centuries claim Fortunato as well?

Logline Revision Critiques #4

TITLE: The Withering of Amblethorn
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Original critique on MSFV

The girls of an exclusive New England school are disappearing only to be returned aged beyond recognition. When authorities brush the case aside two unlikely friends, school outcast Vera and social butterfly Peyton, team up to figure out who-or what- is behind it.

Logline Revision Critiques #3

Title: Running Down the Dragon

Genre: Adult Thriller/Fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Thalia Drake of the U.S. Military's elite shapeshifter forces, and the world's last dragon, must stop a serial killer whose ultimate goal is exterminating shapeshifters. But stopping him means exposing the deadly secret she's hidden for thousands of years - her true identity.

Logline Revision Critiques #2

Title: ACE OF SHADES

Genre: YA steampunk fantasy

Original critique on MSFV

Seventeen-year-old Enne Alfero must find her lost mother in the shadow world before she loses herself in casino royales, hot street lords, and an unbreakable vow to work as an assassin that pits her against the city's politicians in a deadly game for her life.

Logline Revision Critiques #1

Title: CHRYSALIS
Genre: YA
Original critique on MSFV

Seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel is an archangel with amnesia.

William and Lucian, long time enemies, are both sent to retrieve the gift Ivy guards, the healing power for all mankind.

One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both and save the world?

First Impact: The Legacy of the Eye, by Patricia Moussatche

Before we get to our First Impact critique, I need to announce that on Friday, Author's Echo is hosting revised versions of Authoress's Round One Logline Critiques. That means two things for you:

1. More chances to win this month's First Impact prize. All critiques offered to these logline revisions will be entered for the monthly prize.
2. There will be a deluge of posts on Friday (e-mail subscribers, I'm so, so sorry).

Remember, anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments of this post, and the logline revisions on Friday, will be eligible to win a 15-page critique from Jodi Meadows, author of INCARNATE. Each post you critique is another chance to win.

We always need more stuff to critique, so if you would like to submit your query/first page/etc, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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This week we have a sci-fi query from Patricia Moussatche. My inline comments are to the side, with overall thoughts at the end. And remember, this is just one guy's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

This is a lot of setup. I think you can
just put "they're a team" after the
first sentence and cut all but the last.

"Diligence to write down ideas" feels
like a lame ability next to David's.

Query
David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates. David has brilliant ideas and Catrine has the diligence to write them down. Catrine is shy, so David gives their thoughts a strong voice. When David’s temper flares, it is always Catrine who calms him down. They are a team. At least until the day he kisses her.

Woah, this paragraph raises a lot of
world-building questions. How does
the throne have authority if it doesn't
exist? What has David accomplished?
How does the throne represent
hypocrisy? What kind of hypocrisy?

That day, David notices a tiny tattoo hidden beneath her hair that marks Catrine as next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on their planet. Will his own accomplishments count for naught when the next ruler is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he always believed in?

More questions: What turmoil? How
is his gov't deceitful? Why is David
the only one who can make Demia
prosper? Where's home and who's
luring him there? And most
importantly: what's the bait?

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia--a position that does not exist--by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist.

I'm betting your work deals with
science fact, not fiction ;-)

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is science fiction with romantic elements and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [where I work].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche


Adam's Thoughts
World-building is so, so, so, so, so hard to get across clearly -- decuply so in a query. The trick in a query is to stay 100% focused on what matters: the main character, his goal, his conflict, and what terrible choice he must make. Don't hint at anything you can't explain, and don't explain anything you don't absolutely have to.

This query actually does feel focused on the main storyline, but it hints at a bunch of things we don't understand. You either need to explain things, or even better, cut the bits that raise questions.

For example, instead of saying "a hereditary throne that should not exist," go straight to what's sinister about it. "She's marked as the next Queen Poobah. The Poobahs were supposed to have been removed from power centuries ago, but they've been ruling the utopian Demia from the shadows. Now David's parents are conspiring to make him the next King."

Or instead of explaining it, skip his relationship with Catrine and the tattoo, and go straight to David's parents conspiring to marry him to Demia's next shadow ruler. Then explain why this is a bad thing (stakes) and why just saying no is not an option (sadistic choice).

Anyway, that's just my idea. What do the rest of you think?

Books I Read: The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan

Title: The Lightning Thief
Author: Rick Riordan
Genre: MG Fantasy
Published: 2005
My Content Rating: PG for action scenes
Cliffhanger Ending: No

Summer after 6th grade, Percy Jackson learns that the Greek gods are real, alive, and one of them is his father. Oh, and half the Greek pantheon is trying to kill him because they think he stole Zeus's master lightning bolt. So, not the best summer of his life.

What I loved about this book (in list form, cuz I'm feeling lazy today):

• It's funny.
• Exciting action.
• The plot is nice and twisty, even after seeing the movie.
• Speaking of which, it is much better than the movie.*
• The world-building is pretty clever.**

The only thing I didn't like so much was the scenes at Camp Half-Blood felt too much like Harry Potter to me (it didn't help that the brave, muggle-raised protagonist befriended the school's camp's smartest girl). But once they got on their quest, that didn't bother me so much.

I'm not a "Greek mythology! Love it!" kind of guy (I prefer Eastern mythology, which I'm less familiar with). But if you are gonna revisit the Greek stories, Rick Riordan figured out a really great way to do it.

Have you read this book? What did you think?


* Seriously, it was like Hollywood used all the boring, irrelevant parts and cut all the interesting stuff that made sense.

** The only problem I had with the world-building was how demigods were all dyslexic because they're "genetically predisposed" to read ancient Greek. It's the language geek in me. Sorry, Rick.

Talking About the Ninjas (Next Big Thing)

I don't do tags very often, but (a) I like talking about my WIPs and (b) I'll do pretty much anything the beloved Authoress asks.

So today I'm talking about ninjas of the post-apocalyptic kind.


Ten Interview Questions for the Next Big Thing:

1) What is the working title of your book?
The Word doc is titled The Con of War, but I'm not sure I like it. So on the internet I use the more descriptive Post-Apocalyptic, Dragon-Riding Ninjas (with Mechs!).

2) Where did the idea come from for the book?
I actually had six half-formed ideas and asked people which sounded cooler. Overwhelmingly, the response was, "Do them all!"

3) What genre does your book fall under?
YA Science Fantasy (post-apocalyptic, obvs.)

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
I don't know about actual actors, but my wife and I were watching a lot of So You Think You Can Dance when I planned this story. So in my head, the young con-artist is Dominic, his techy sister is Katee, and the ninja is Emo Billy.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
An assassin, on the run from his clan, must work with a young con-artist to keep the kingdom from slipping into civil war and anarchy.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
My agent is eagerly waiting for me to finish revising this thing.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? May we see an intro?
It took me 4 months, which is the fastest I've ever drafted anything. I'm paying for it in revisions though.

Believe it or not, the story starts with the weather:

It was cloudy the day Kai killed his god. He'd expected earthquakes, blood rain, darkness at the very least, but the day his god died—and the day they would execute Kai for killing him—looked the same as any other. As if it were not a god who had died, but a man.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
The world of Catherine Fisher's INCARCERON felt similar to me (far future tech mixed with a fantasy feel). And I learned from Holly Black's WHITE CAT when I was planning the cons.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
Honestly, I just threw in as many cool things as I could while still making sense. But the con-artist's struggles to trust and be trusted definitely comes from experiences with my own kids and attachment issues.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader's interest?
Krista Van Dolzer once called it, "A steampunk Inception with ninjas!" She hasn't actually read it yet, but I'm counting that as an official blurb.


The rules demand I tag 5 people, so here are some of the people whose works-in-progress I am most interested in. Some of them have already posted their answers, so check them out:

Krista Van Dolzer
Matthew MacNish
Myrna Foster
Daisy Carter
Melodie Wright

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Message for the tagged authors and interested others:

Rules of The Next Big Thing:

*Use this format for your post
*Answer the ten questions about your current WIP (work in progress)
*Tag five other writers/bloggers and add their links so we can hop over and meet them.

Ten Interview Questions for the Next Big Thing:

What is your working title of your book?
Where did the idea come from for the book?
What genre does your book fall under?
Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? May we see an intro?
What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Who or what inspired you to write this book?
What else about your book might pique the reader's interest?

Include the link of who tagged you and this explanation for the people you have tagged. Be sure to line up your five people in advance.

First Impact: MG Fantasy from Kristen Wixted

First off, I have to thank Matt MacNish for promoting this feature and single-handedly filling up October with submissions. You should thank him too, because until those submissions came in, there wasn't going to be a prize this month (and it's a good prize; keep reading).

Second, the winner of September's prize -- $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page crit from me -- is PATCHI! Please contact me and let me know which prize you want.

And thank all of you for your thoughts. keep them coming. The authors always tell me how much they appreciate it.

Lastly, I have a special prize for October: a 15-page critique from the amazing and talented Jodi Meadows! To win, leave a critique on any First Impact post this month. Purchasing a copy of Jodi's fantastic INCARNATE won't improve your chances, but it will keep you good company and cure acne (maybe). Plus! Dragons!

Somebody stop me. We have a critique to do.

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Disclaimer: This is all just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it. Overall comments at the end.

First Page

I like this opening. But unless kids
do get locked away in this story, I'd
snip that bit. Get to the point.

Not all attics are full of shadows, spider webs, and ugly hatboxes dotted with evidence of unwelcome creatures; those are the kind of attics where children get locked away. Some attics smell like lavender soap, are strewn with treasures, and if the right child should come in at the right moment, are full of possibility.

I was initially confused, as "diaries"
are different from ships' logs.

Love the voice at the end.

The treasures in Aunt Tibby’s attic were mostly old diaries. Crooked, nearly toppling stacks of antique journals and ships’ logs covered the wooden floorboards and wide shelves, because the museum had run out of room and Aunt Tibby wasn’t about to throw them away. Heavens no.

This snipped bit slows things down, I
think. And it's info you can give later.

Somewhere, in one of the piles of antique leather and cloth-covered books was a particular diary that Eve, Aunt Tibby’s grand-niece, couldn’t wait to find. It was the key to her questions, because now that she was eleven she had lots of questions, about her Mama.

Good description (all of this is, btw),
but now that we have a goal (Mama),
I immediately want to know more. I
think some of this could be snipped
to get us there faster.

So for months, every time she visited her great aunt on Martha’s Vineyard, Eve put on her favorite old jeans and sweatshirt—clothes that she would never be allowed to wear at home in New York City—and she scoured. She searched. She investigated, explored, and rummaged around in the attic. She flipped through yellowed books, she tossed aside threadbare scarves and feathered hats so she could get at more old books. One time, to reach a pile of diaries that was off in a corner, she was even forced to pick up, with two reluctant fingers, a ratty, blonde wig and fling it aside.


Adam's Thoughts
I don't have a lot to say except to elaborate on my comments there. The voice, and especially the descriptions, are really good. I get the feeling I'm about to step into a mystery or possibly an adventure.

My only real complaint is at the end, and honestly that could be just because it's cut off as a first page. If the very next line was like, "Her mama had died when she was little . . . " or else, "Then one day she found it," I probably wouldn't have a problem with the length of that last paragraph at all.

So I'm just being nitpicky, really, because I don't know how much longer I have to wait to get to the meat. This first page is enticing (that's why I want the meat!), and though I do see occasional tangents that slow things down, they're not so bad that I wouldn't keep going.

What do the rest of you think?

World-Building and the Problem With Quidditch

On Friday, I talked about making up fictional games for your world: take a real-world game and alter it slightly: to suit your world, to make it unique, and (if you're like me) to make an actual game that might be fun to play.

Today we're looking at an example: Harry Potter's Quidditch.

Quidditch is essentially basketball on broomsticks -- with six goals instead of two, extra balls that hurt/distract the players, and the snitch to determine the end of the game. It's a good concept and it totally suits the world. And it's a testament to the books that even though this central game is fundamentally unbalanced, hardly anybody seems to notice.

But yes, it's unbalanced.

The problem is the point value of the snitch. Every goal in Quidditch is worth 10 points, but whoever grabs the snitch simultaneously ends the game and earns 150 points -- 15 goals. The overall effect is that regular goals don't matter.

Unless one team is down by more than 15 goals, right? Then they wouldn't want to get the snitch. There's tension!

Well, yeah, but when does that ever happen? Have you seen a professional soccer game go 16-0? An NFL game with a 112-point gap? Even in the NBA, all-time comeback records don't go much higher than a 16 goal gap. The best strategy to win Quidditch would be to make everyone a keeper until the snitch shows up. Nobody would do that (because it's boring), but any team that did would always win.*

So why does Quidditch work? For the following reasons:

• The protagonist is the seeker. Can you imagine if Harry was the one making meaningless goals, while some minor character caught the snitch and won the game?
• Quidditch wins and losses are not plot critical. If Harry had to win a Quidditch game to save his life, I would be a lot more mad at his team for not being smarter about gaming the system.
• Something else is almost always going on -- like someone's trying to kill Harry or something, so we're invested in something other than the match.

These are good things to keep in mind if you're making your own fictional game. The more the plot focuses on the game, the more that game has to hold up under scrutiny.

And don't bother playing Quidditch in real life. It's not as interesting as it looks (unless you change the rules, of course).


* Though in the books, Quidditch teams are ranked by points scored, not games won. This fixes the brokenness for a tournament, but it makes individual games less interesting, and makes it almost impossible to have a true championship game.

World-Building: Making Up Your Own Games

One totally optional, but (in my opinion) totally fun aspect of world building is making up fictional games for your world. Like holidays and festivals, games unique to your world can give it a deeper feel and provide an endless source of subplots, conflicts, and climactic settings.

And they're easy to come up with: just take a real-world game and change it slightly. Put Chinese chess on a circular board and change the tiles. Play chess with holographic monsters. Combine Blitzkrieg with Stratego.

For a lot of fictional games, the rules don't actually matter. Although fans have made up rules for Avatar's Pai Sho and Song of Ice and Fire's cyvasse, nobody knows the rules used in the actual worlds because they don't matter. The writers have an idea of the basic concepts of the games (taken from the real-world games they combined) and they only reveal what they need to keep the plot moving.


But sometimes you want more than that. A critical event might turn on the outcome of a bet, like in Pirates 2 or Phantom Menace. Or your entire plot might center on a game, like Ender's Battle Room. In these cases, the reader needs to understand and care about what's going on. They need to know the rules.

If you're not into game design, keep things simple. Liars' Dice, podracing, and even the Battle Room are directly translated form real-world games. The writers only made slight alterations for their settings.

If you want something more complicated, be warned: an unbalanced game, whose rules are detailed in the story, will shatter the reader's disbelief. You can solve this by asking, "How could I break this game so that I win every time?" and then fix it, but that's getting into game design techniques, which I don't think you came here for.

Got that? Here's the summary:

• Fictional games are easy to make: take a real-world game and change it slightly.
• If the plot does not hinge on the outcome of a game: be vague about the rules.
• If the plot does hinge on the outcome: stick as close to the rules of a real-world game as possible.
• If the plot hinges on the outcome and you really, really want to come up with something unique: welcome to the world of game design, my friend. Here's a list of games to study up on.

Next week, I'll talk about one particular fantasy game that doesn't work, why it doesn't work, and why the novels end up working anyway. Until then, what are your favorite fictional games and why?

First Impact: ROGUE PRINCESS by J.J. DeBenedictis

We've got one last First Impact submission for September! This might be the last critique for which I offer a monthly prize so remember: anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

And I will still take First Impact submissions as they come in. So if you want a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

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Huge thanks to J.J. DeBenedictis for submitting the query for her novel, ROGUE PRINCESS. If you don't already know, J.J. runs her own excellent query critiquing/rewriting blog. You may recall she helped make my own query successful. I'm more than happy to return the favor!

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query Letter

I don't imagine necromancers with
mustaches so much, but otherwise
I love this opening.

Everyone thinks necromancers are moustache-twirlers in goth make-up and disturbing wardrobe choices. But really, they're more like Wynne--a considers himself sensitive and friendly young man who. He sees his job less as magically wrangling souls and more as offering comfort and closure to the bereaved.

The 2nd half of this sentence feels
cliche and vague to me.

So when the king tries to kill Wynne to hide the fact the queen has been murdered and reanimated, it thrusts the necromancer into a world of intrigue and violence he has no capacity for.

I'm unsure of the meaning of the
highlighted bit here.

To save his life, Wynne shimmies escapes down a drainpipe and joins the Rogues' League, a military company that offers sanctuary to criminals in exchange for service to the crown. Unfortunately, Wynne's plan to then enlist the help of the warfront necromancers disintegrates. The queen's continued un-life is weakening the walls between worlds, and Wynne's peers are too busy stopping angry souls from creeping onto the battlefield as walking dead to help Wynne crowbar the queen back out of her corpse.

I'm not sure "bigotry" is the right
term here. It makes me hate the
princess more than I think is
warranted.

In fact, the only person willing to help him is the bigotry-driven princess (also hiding out in the Rogues' League) who murdered the queen in the first place. Unfortunately, her bigotry mainly consists of hating she hates anything to do with necromancy, and Wynne isn't sure this is an alliance he can survive.

"The walls between worlds" feels
repetitive to me here.

But he has to. There's more at stake than the comfortable life he had planned. If Wynne doesn't break past the palace's security and re-kill the queen, the walls between worlds will tear, angels and demons alike will spill through to wreak havoc, and the dead will rise and begin to eat the living.

ROGUE PRINCESS is a 77,000-word fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoy the dark humor and relentless action of Joe Abercrombie's novels or Richard Morgan's A LAND FIT FOR HEROES series. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Adam's Thoughts
This sounds like fun! I think the voice and Wynne's character comes through really well, and the plot sounds intriguing. I do want a more sadistic choice to leave me wanting more (I always do, don't I?), but I think this does a good job getting the story across. I think most agents would immediately be able to tell if this was the kind of story they were into.

One thing you do want to be careful of is wordiness. You can see I trimmed a lot, and I bet you could trim even more. There's plenty of great voice and word choice here that you can stand to streamline it without losing any of it (though even I'm rethinking cutting the word "shimmies" -- it's a great image).

What do the rest of you guys think? Would you read this?

The Reality of Time Travel

"Time travel is theoretically impossible, but I wouldn't want to give it up as a plot gimmick."

— Isaac Asimov


So. Back to the Future. You know, the scene in the third movie where Marty complains they can't get the time machine to 88 mph because they'll run into a movie theater, and Doc says, "You're not thinking 4th dimensionally, Marty! When you go back to 1885, none of this will be here."

It's clever, cuz see, even though you're traveling to a different time, you're still in the same place. So while there's a movie theater in 1955, it's all prairieland in 1885. Where a bridge is under construction, 100 years later it'll be finished and you can just sail across.

But if you think about it, that's ridiculously Earth-centric.

See, during the time you skip, the Earth will have moved. For one thing, it rotates constantly. California (where the movies take place) moves through space at about 700 mph. So unless you are arriving at the exact same time of day as you left, the Earth will have shifted underneath you.

In the DeLorean's inaugural voyage, Ein would've crashed into a house 12 miles west of the mall.

Also the Earth is traveling around the sun at about 67,000 mph. So not only would you have to arrive at the exact same time of day, but also the exact same time of year (we won't talk about that quarter of a day that makes Leap Day). So Einstein would have appeared somewhere past the International Space Station.

"Was that . . . a DeLorean?"

But that's assuming the sun is our central reference point, which is just as arbitrary. Why not use the galactic center? Or the (impossible to define) center of the universe? By some measurements, Earth is shooting through the universe at over 1 million miles per hour.

Poor Ein would end up a tenth of the way to the moon. And that's just for traveling one minute in to the future. Marty's first jump would land him somewhere past Neptune. His final 100-year trip would shoot him out of the solar system entirely.

Don't get me wrong, I love time travel stories. But writing them gives me a headache.

Who's not thinking 4th dimensionally now, Doc?

The Secret to Being Awesome

Be Neil Patrick Harris.

The Secret to Getting Published

The Secret to Blogging

It needs to be fun.

Make it so.

The Perks of Being Aquaman

"Just let me know if they get near the water, guys!"

(crosspost from Anthdrawlogy's swimming week).

Twitter Horror

So I'm out of First Impact subs. I will continue to accept submissions as they come in (because, hey, one less post to think up), and September will still have a prize because I said it would, but I might not continue the prizes after that. We'll see.

In the meantime, I present to you this true story, told in tweets.

I dreamt about facehuggers last night -- that scene where Ripley and Newt are locked in a room with 2 of them :-P
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

You have to understand, guys, I HATE facehuggers. Worse than spiders, scorpions, needles, or that cat bus from Totoro.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

YES THE CAT BUS FROM TOTORO WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

The only thing that freaks me out more than facehuggers is open water.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

Anyway, I was trapped in that room with Newt and Ripley for HOURS. I woke up totally stressed out.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

I told my wife about it and tried to explain how terrible facehuggers are (she, of course, didn't really want to know).
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

I said, "We were trapped in this room right here." I slapped my hand against the bulletproof glass NOT REALIZING I WAS STILL IN THE DREAM.
— Adam Heine (@adamheine) September 6, 2012

Buy a Book, Save a Baby

My friend Natalie Bahm is releasing her first book on September 28, but this isn't your normal debut.

I mean, it is a little -- bank robbers, secret tunnels, 12-year-old crushes -- but Natalie isn't selling this book for herself. All the profits are going to help Baby Jayden.

Just watch the trailer.



Jayden has been ill since birth. His parents have almost lost him at least a dozen times, and now they're struggling with a massive debt. This little guy is fighting to survive, and doing a heck of a good job with it. How much would it suck if he lost because of something stupid like money?

Plus you get a book out of it. You can pre-order it at Amazon or iTunes. Help Jayden's parents sleep better tonight (God, wouldn't that be great?).

Fixing Mary Sue

Who is Mary Sue? Mary Sue is a character that is too perfect, the one that has or does cool things just because they're cool. Everybody likes them, and anyone who doesn't gets their comeuppance in the end. Mary Sue is the author's wish fulfillment.

Sue is most common in fan fiction.* You know, where the author's character is best friends with Luke Skywalker, Jayne Cobb, and Jean-Luc Picard. I don't think there's anything wrong with Mary in these contexts, but if you're trying to get published, you want to do away with Sue.

I don't think real Mary Sues appear in fiction as often as some say they do, but they do happen.

How do you avoid this? I mean, I [try to] make a living out of writing cool characters who do awesome things. And basically every character draws from myself in some way. How do I keep my super-cool pirates/ninjas/mech pilots from becoming wish fulfillment?

Here are some ideas:

• Give them a flaw. Not an adorable non-flaw like "clumsiness," but a real flaw like "hell-bent on revenge and too proud to admit it."
• Support their awesomeness. Why are they the youngest, most clever assassin in history? Did they train harder than everyone else? Were they kidnapped at birth and brutally trained to be a killer by a father figure who never loved them?
• Make them fail. It's even better if it's their flaws that cause them to fail.
• Don't let them be the best at everything. Have other characters be better than them at some things, both friends and enemies.
• Give them likable enemies. Not just spiteful, ugly step-sisters, but characters whose opinions the reader can respect.

I don't think Mary Sue appears as much as the internet thinks she does, but it is something to watch out for. If you think you've got a Mary Sue, you need to cruelly examine everything about them and everything they do. Mess them up, make them fail, and ask why they are the way they are.

Who's Mary Sue in the end? It's you (and also Steven Seagal).

* The term 'Mary Sue' was coined by Paula Smith in 1973, when she wrote a parody Star Trek fan-fic starring Lieutenant Mary Sue, the youngest and most-loved Lieutenant in the fleet. You can read it here (page 25). It's kinda hilarious.

First Impact: DEAD RECKONING Query by Aline Carriere

We're still low on submissions for First Impact. I'm happy to continue this feature as long as there's interest, but if there isn't, I'll just drop it. To get a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

August's winner, and recipient of a 10-page critique from agent Tricia Lawrence, is maine character!

This month, anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

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A big thank you to Aline for submitting the query for her novel, DEAD RECKONING. (You may remember reading the first page here).

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.

Dear Agent,

The middle of this paragraph feels
like telling to me. I say get to the
story, so we can see what Anne does.

When eighteen-year-old Anne Davis, is captured by pirates, she may be a victim of circumstance but she refuses to be a victim, and. She uses her wits, sex and sense of justice to navigate and survive the treacherous world of 18th-Century piracy, become a legend and find love. Based on the story and characters of TREASURE ISLAND, woven with the lives of actual pirates, my historical erotic adventure novel DEAD RECKONING is complete at 75,000 words.

The 2nd sentence here moves too fast
for me. A lot of events appear out of
nowhere (it feels like).

"With her own crew": Is she a
pirate now?

The end of this gets vague (for me)
and telling again.

Both attracted to and repulsed by the brutal Captain Flint, Anne finds her place aboard the pirate ship Walrus, until she refuses to kill and is marooned on Treasure Island. Following her rescue by the Hispaniola, Anne returns to the sea with her own crew after making a rash and heartfelt promise to a young boy to bring his father home. She embarks on a star-crossed journey across an ocean, through two trials, an execution and to the brink of death, with joy and bitter loss as her life careens out of control and she travels towards her destiny. DEAD RECKONING is a character-driven story of choices, calculations and chance, as Anne decides whether to return to her life of privilege or forge her own future.

I'd cut the first two sentences, unless
you got pro rate (5+ cents/word) for
one of those markets.

I have been writing professionally as an attorney for twenty-years. Recently my stories have been published at Suspense Magazine and in the Elements of Horror anthology. Additional stories and essays may be found at www.jedlight.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Aline Carriere


Adam's Thoughts
A love a good pirate story, and there are a lot of elements here that I love, but I think you might be trying to cram too much into the query. For example, the query lists a lot of exciting things -- two trials! an execution! near death! bitter loss! -- but without context, it's just a list.

Like if I were talking about Pirates of the Carribean, I could say, "To save the governor's daughter, Will Turner must commandeer a Navy vessel, outwit the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, and face a crew of the undead before they sacrifice the girl he loves."

OR I could say, "To rescue the girl he loves, Will Turner seeks help from the thing he hates the most: a pirate. But as he tries to stay one step ahead of the Royal Navy, and the pirate who's supposedly helping him, he discovers there's more pirate in his blood than he would like to admit."

Okay, so it needs work, but do you see my point? A list without context is not as interesting as a character with a goal and an arc. It's not enough to say what Will does (seeks help from a pirate) and learns (that he is a pirate), we have to know why it matters (because he hates pirates). You can even skip things (the undead crew) for the sake of focusing on the main arc and why it matters.

I know it's not the best example, but I hope it's helpful. I bet somebody else can give you better advice in the comments.

Controlling the Internetz

Original picture by HeyGabe, creative commons.

The internet is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I mean, without it, I'd be stuck alone out here, still waiting for my hard copy of Writer's Market to show up so I could send letters to agents asking if it was okay to query them my fictional novel.

But it's kind of a time suck, yeah?

I can't say I've solved that, but here are a couple of things I've found that have helped me tremendously:

1) Take an internet sabbath.
Some people say you should unplug for a couple weeks or a month. Maybe that's right for you. To me, a month-long break just means 600 e-mails I'll have to slog through when I come back online.

But one day a week? I can totally do that. I have been for nearly a year now. It's not always easy, but it definitely reminds me that I don't have to be All Online, All The Time.

2) Study (and limit) your internet usage.
There are lots of browser extensions that can help tell you how much time you waste spend on certain sites, and can also limit your usage.

For Firefox, I used Mind the Time to track how much time I spend and where, and once I know that, I use LeechBlock to cut off my usage after a certain time. Safari and Chrome have a similar extension (that I've never used, but it looks solid) called WasteNoTime.


They're not perfect, but these things definitely help me pay attention to why I'm on the computer.

Do you manage your time? How do you do it?

Wrecked by Critiques (and Dealing With It)

Original Picture: Sam Sanford

I know revisions are where good novels are made. I know it. But getting notes back from my critique partners always wrecks me. It's like getting punched in my fear of failure over and over and over and over.

Here's how I deal with it.

1. I have a rule: no reading critiques right before bed. Critiques either make me despair, or else drive my brain into a planning frenzy trying to fix things. Either way, I sleep terribly when this happens.

2. Read it all in one go. No sense in dragging out the torture.

3. Eat some bacon.

4. Write down the major things that need work. Once I see it as a list, I usually realize there's only a couple of things that will take more than a sentence-change to fix (granted, there's a thousand sentence changes, but . . . ).

5. Take a break. My brain needs time to process how to fix things. Optionally: repeat step #3.

6. Make a plan. I don't know about you, but by the time I have a plan (and some bacon), I feel all better.

What about you? Are you wrecked by critiques (and if not, who are you)? What do you do about it?

First Impact: BLOOM by Ranee Clark

HEY! We're done with August, but I have nothing to critique for September! If you want your query letter, first page, or back cover copy critiqued here, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

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A big thank you to Ranee for submitting the query for her YA fantasy, BLOOM.

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query

This part doesn't come across like
you'd think it would. Cut it.

In BLOOM, a Young Adult fantasy novel complete at 86,000 words, the comfortably sweet yet still sassy voice of Finna Claremont will captivate readers.

Not sure why the italics. Otherwise,
this is a decent start.

Born into one of the Big Three families of the Enchanter realm, 17-year-old Finna Claremont’s lineage—yeah, lineage—should mean she’ll make a great guardian…. Right.?
 

This is a big paragraph. Can it be
broken up?

I'm in for this whole thing until the
last two sentences. It gets vague, and
I don't see a compelling choice like
I want to.

Finna’s screwed up everything from transporting to blocking her thoughts since she was little, so when a fairy declares Finna has special responsibilities to protect her world, it shocks everyone, including Finna. To prove she can hack it as a guardian, Finna sets out to stop an evil politician threatening the rights of all Enchanters. She’ll have to trust the last person she ever expected to befriend (not to mention fall in love with) to pull it off. And trusting Liam Monroe isn’t as easy as it sounds. Because he’s a Monroe. They’ve hated the Claremonts for a hundred years, and the feeling is mutual. There’s a lot more than family honor riding on the line if Finna fails to measure up. She’ll have to count on her fledgling powers or else watch the world she knows disappear.

Brief and to the point. Good.

I am the president of my American Night Writers Association chapter where I volunteer my cold-hearted manuscript reviewing services. If you would like to consider BLOOM, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Ranee` S. Clark
raneesclark.blogspot.com
ANWA PM Writers President

Adam's Thoughts
This is a solid start. The story sounds cool, the character and conflict are clear, and you've got a strong, fun voice.

Which brings me to point #1: Don't tell us what the voice is. Show us. Don't say it will captivate readers. Captivate us.

I think you did a great job of showing the voice in the rest of the query, but it's funny how saying what the voice is has the opposite effect intended. Like if a guy asks you out and says, "I promise I'm not a creepy stalker who'll research your personal history on Facebook."

He might be telling the truth, but it feels weird.

Point #2: a compelling choice. I know I harp on this, but that's because it works. "Do or die" is not really a choice. We all know she's going to try, else there wouldn't be a story. What makes her situation impossible? What makes us think we have no idea what we would do in her shoes?

But all in all, this feels like a great start to me. What do the rest of you guys think? What would you change?

How to Get Good at Something

I have to tell myself this every time I start a new novel.

"Hey, I've got this idea for a book. Maybe you could write it for me..."

This is why I'm politely noncommittal when people tell me their ideas.